My Christmas story. - Help.com

My Christmas story.

Many nights i spent here in front of my computer. Sitting staring, hoping, hurting, and waiting. Waiting for what? I still don’t know. I came to this site broken. I was isolated and alone. Hidden from the world. I look back and cant believe how far in my own world I had gone. I couldn’t see past my misery, couldn’t see the good trying to pull me out into the world. I did come across some real fine people here. I went out of my way to try and push them out of my life. Like true friends they didn’t budge. I then did what I could to hurt them. Still they didn’t not budge. Last year at this time I didn’t even acknowledge Christmas. I could have cared less about my family, and friends. I was scared to live. I lost the most important thing to me and she left a giant whole in my life, my heart, and my soul. Thought I would die without her. Tried to die, to give up. I found that when it came down to it i didn’t want to die, I just didn’t know how to live without her.Thanks to my good friends, I was able to make it through the year. They taught me how to heal, how to feel things beside pain. Taught me it was ok to be happy. I had a good couple of months were I got my life back on track. I was lucky enough to get my daughter back in my life, fortunate enough to have people stand by me. It started going to well and I didn’t know how to handle it. I started feeling guilty again for being happy. I went back to my dark world of pain, and anger. I dropped everything and everyone and hid. Then I said goodbye to a good friend, my best friend. I will always remember her, and how she helped me. She passed away, she took her own life. I thought I would revert back to my darkness even further, but no instead I understand her struggle, I understand her choice. It still hurts but I know she is finally at peace with the her torment. I wish it could have been different, I wish she could have healed, and been happy. But I can not change what she has done,I can only accept it and learn from it. Going through this has made me see things a bit different. Instead of looking out my window and seeing gray gloomy sad skies, I see a wonderful snow filled world. The big thing about it is I can see the beauty in this world. Even if at times it gets cold and lonely, it still has something for me. I then made a choice that has changed my life. I tried to join the army. I made it to basic training. I went 3 weeks, would have gone the full 9 but the loss of my friend brought me home. I will be starting over but finishing it this time around. Those 3 weeks taught me alot about myself, things I can be proud of. I am strong, I am brave, I am a leader. surprise surprise! I am actually good at leading and making decisions. For me that is huge. I am focusing all my energy on positive thinking and problem solving. There is no easy way out of anything. I didn’t know this before. I had a Christmas wish come true, didn’t know it til this very second though. Last year for christmas I cried and begged and prayed, and wished that I would find peace, find happiness, or at least be content. I got more then that. I have a life, a family, friends, a career i can see i am going to enjoy. I for once can honestly say I really am healing, I really am capable of coping, and be happy. Well looking back at this its not really a Christmas story, mainly just my story. but I will call it my Christmas story because I got my last years Christmas wish. There is no point in this post, just writing some thoughts out. Thanks for reading.

For my best friend pez.
I will forever miss you. I hope you found the peace you were looking for. I will always cherish the time we had. even if it was in the dark. You helped me from the dark. You deserved better, you deserved to be happy. I hope you knew that it WASNT your fault. I will not dwell in sadness over you, but remember the good times and celebrate the good moments we shared. I love you.

This open post was written 11 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 105, 19, 10 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Subscribe to Replies | Report Post

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