this is a very hard time of year. and it is no better matched with an anniversary.
I wish there was something I could do. I will pray.
Awww, so sad. I’m so sorry :(
aww.. i am so broken because of this!!! i am so sorry
this is probably the saddest thing i ever seen
My father died of a pulmonary embolism after breaking his femur, I read your other post, I’m sorry for you loss. Its a rare occurrence but sadly it does happen.
i’m so sorry and i cant imagine what it must be like to have a heart that is so severely broken because your other half is irreplaceable :(
Not to be mean, but I think I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. How can you expect to have a future with her if you are still this involved with your former wife? It sounds like you are stuck between trying to move on and hanging on to the past. Your best bet is to move on.
Anonymous
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11 months ago (5 days, 21 hours after post)
Although this is very sad, it’s also very beautiful. She was your world. She was a very lucky person, and only someone with a beautiful heart could write this. You’re a true gentleman.
(Thank you for your advice too)
im so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved wife. if its too difficult to discuss with your girlfriend then just have some time with yourself today. you must have some beautiful memories - make sure you keep them alive x
I’m sorry…it seems like she had a good man by her though. And your girlfriend…that’s excellent thinking that you shouldn’t make her feel even more insecure with this. Focus on the happiness in this very moment, and do not waver. What’s done is done, and you’re lucky enough to have this moment to savor. That, I think, is God’s gift.
That has to be one of the sweetest things i have ever heard/read. I am sure she is ‘up there’ looking down on you, and smiling at everything you do because she is so proud to have been with you!
It’s wonderful to know that people like you are in this world, because she is not still here with you know that with your thoughts you are both still together and will never be apart, know that she is thinking about you every second of everyday as you are of her. Your girlfriend has a lot to deal with, she must really love you ,but not feel she can be the same person your wife is to you, she is a different person and must accept she cannot fill the shoes of your wife, if she can deal with that then it’s up to the two of you where you go from here. Please do not torture yourself for the rest of your life and enjoy the time that’s left with someone you can love, your wife would want that for you as you will be with her again.
well you know my situation but if its one thing I have a fairly solid grasp on it’s being reminiscent. if I we you in you particular situation i think i would think about something that you and she did together that really made you happy. Or maybe just something that you did together that made her extremely happy.
I think if i were in your shoes i would do something that she really enjoyed and that you enjoyed at the same time. something simple like maybe if on your first date you took her out to get ice cream. I would hop on my motorcycle and take a long ride out to tasty freeze which is about 100 miles away from me. because the motorcycle ride is something that i really enjoy and who doesn’t love ice cream.
you see what I’m getting at it can still be something that your GF does with you but i think it would be better to be kind of an anniversary for yourself. if you GF loves you and respects your space and the relationship that you had with your wife then she should totally understand that.
Thank-you everyone for your kind words. I really didn’t expect them. I expected most people to say what bradento said. That’s certainly what my brain tells me.
Your kindness and understanding has really helped. With our anniversary past and her day of death soon, there is a tough time in the year regardless of how well I may do during the rest of the year.
I feel under a lot of pressure (self-imposed) to not discuss this as everyone wants me to be happy and I certainly have had a lot of happiness and made huge amounts of progress. I hate to see the worry and pain in other people’s faces.
I am so grateful to have an outlet here when things get tough close to those special days, where people can share some kindness.
Thank-you.
bradento wrote:
Not to be mean, but I think I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. How can you expect to have a future with her if you are still this involved with your former wife? It sounds like you are stuck between trying to move on and hanging on to the past. Your best bet is to move on.
How can you say that? Let the poor man mourn for once a year! He is moving on, but that doesn’t mean he can’t remember his past. The past is not something that can be changed. Let it be.
I’m not someone who is good with kind words. My words often sound harsh, but are logical. However, I will say that you do not always need to be happy on the outside. That’s why sites like this are so great. Let yourself mourn when you need to; remember what is lost, honour the memories, and live your life as she would have wanted you to. Happily.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Awe…That’s so sad…I’m sorry for your loss…I understand how you feel. It’s normal to miss her especially on those days. I miss my grandfather too.
My aunt told me that whenever I feel sad and I miss my grandfather, I should recall the good times we had together. That made me more sad at first. It made me see that I’ll never have more of those hugs and kisses. I grew up and later I figured out the other half of the solution. When you recall all those good times, you are supposed to feel happy that you were able to have them. DOn’t look on what you lack, what you missed and what you’ll never have. You’re supposed to look to those wonderful memories with a smile…with the contentment that at least, you were able to savor your time together. I still cry for my grandfather every now and then. They say I have to move on. And I do move on. Moving on doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to cry and to miss her. Moving on means accepting that she is not here physcially but you know she’s in your heart, in the memories, in the air etc. Death does not end a relationship. People end relationships but not death. Love transcends beyond physicality and thus, beyond death.
I firmly believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones. In the meantime, I know how sad such separations make us.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost someone Sept 2001, for other reasons than the obvious. We were together eleven years and I miss him greatly. You are so lucky that you have been able to take a leap and try again. When it ended for me I was only 32, and I just can’t see myself going through that all over again, to afraid. You are lucky, maybe tell your girlfriend that you are trying to give everything to her. One thing I don’t understand is how can she be jealous in this situation. She should realize you are a good guy that you loved once and want to love again.
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Anonymous
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10 months, 2 weeks ago (3 weeks, 2 days after post)
Im sorry you had to experience that. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way. You should sit down with your girlfriend and explain the situation , say i used to love her in a way i will always love her in a way but i have to on,i love you now. If she feel insecure if she doesnt react well or understand then she doensn’t care for you as much as you may think. Just my opinion though
I’m so sorry 4 your loss. I’ve been through a lot of hard times my self. When I was eleven my uncle committed suicide. We were very close. My parent’s were seperated at the time and my mom worked 2 jobs. He babysitted my siblings and I while she was working. For several years after, it was hard for me to get close to anyone. And then about a year after he committed suicide my parents divorced. That made things even more difficult. And then exactly one year after my parents divorced I was raped. Ever since then my life was kinda a rollercoaster. I finally met someone about 5 months ago that I’ve allowed myself to get close to. It’s really hard for both of us. Because of my trust issues. But we’re doing it. And I think that if you and your girlfriend can sit down and talk, and you let her know the best you can that you are trying to move on. She will understand. I hope I’ve helped.
I’m sorry that all that has happen to you. You sound like a great man. Like I said earlyer, there is nothing to be embarrassed about anything. You had things you couldnt handle at the time, and I’m sorry you as well had to go throw that. You are a very sweet man, its sweet of you not to worry your new lover if she ask then explaine other then that enjoy your life, make the best outta life. Live for today not the past and not tomorrow. I hope all works out for you and your girl friend.
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I’m sorry for your loss. It’s lovely that you still hold a special place in your heart for your wife. It’s unfortunate that you had to experiance this extrodinary loss. That’s just a part of life I suppose.
I lost the most special person in my life a couple of months back so I realise that getting over your loss is hard. Really hard. Although, I’m sure your wife would be happy to know that you have found love with your girlfriend and although your life is moving on you still think about her all the time. Nobody should expect you to get over it. It’s not there problem.
But I admire your passion and the amount of love that you so obviously have. I’m sure that your wife would be extremely proud of you.
You are a very brave man.
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Anonymous
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9 months, 2 weeks ago (1 month, 3 weeks after post)
I feel so sad for you. Your wife must have been the luckiest lady for having someone who loves her even in death. I an sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry..But this is so beautiful! I really wish everyone gets a love like this :)
i know this is an old post but it made my cry. i am still crying. life is precious.
im so sorry to hear that just remember all the good times you shared together and know she is thinking of you dont worry we all go through difficult times hope this helps
there are no words to respond, just emotions, and its way beyond any text
Anonymous
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8 months, 2 weeks ago (2 months, 2 weeks after post)
my father died when i was 13. i am now 28. i am ok now. true to the saying that time heals all wounds. but there is still this certain void in my heart brought about by his loss. a void that you cannot exactly explain or understand, but forever will be here.
Anonymous wrote:
my father died when i was 13. i am now 28. i am ok now. true to the saying that time heals all wounds. but there is still this certain void in my heart brought about by his loss. a void that you cannot exactly explain or understand, but forever will be here.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Time doesn’t heal wounds, unfortunately. It’s the process of going through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finding acceptance of the event (not in the sense of saying it is ok, but accepting it happened and finding a way to adjust your life and world view to accommodate the event).
So if you never fully address those issues, you can live a 100 years and still be damaged. There was a long time I refused to allow myself to feel angry AT my wife (she abandoned me through death, she didn’t look after herself properly, she didn’t follow my advice that day about dealing with the ice which would’ve saved her, she left me with a huge mess of a house and financial problems and taxes to figure out, I lost my job due to emotional problems after her death…). When I finally allowed it, I felt a wave of relief and crying. I accepted that I had the feelings even if I didn’t want to (and I didn’t… believe me, I strongly remember all her best qualities) and I expressed my anger in a letter on my computer. It was very hard but it’s necessary to go through these stages over and over.
The interesting thing is that these stages of loss apply to any loss. Even if that loss is a job, a friendship, an opportunity… you can start to recognize your reactions and deal with them in a more high level way.
For me, the void you talk about is probably 99% regret… I probably feel a little regret every day, that I wasn’t good enough for her, I didn’t treat her as well as I could have, I could’ve been so much better. The hard truth of the matter is that we all take everything for granted so easily.
Anonymous
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8 months, 2 weeks ago (2 months, 2 weeks after post)
it’s been 15 years. the wound caused by his sudden lost had already been healed. but the wound left a scar - the void i was referring to. it is not regret nor guilt. it is more of an empty space in my heart that can never be filled by anything/ anybody. a certain kind of love that was lost and that can never be replaced by any other kind of love.
idk much about bargaining, but i think i did go through w/ the stages and process you’ve mention. and i quite agree that it could apply to other kinds of loss and problems.
as for me, a parent’s love is unconditional and lasting. my father had spent quality and quantity time with me. thinking it over, it was quite enough. i could still feel his love and care for me, and i think it will last a lifetime. but sometimes i can’t help but miss him so much.
i can see my father in me though. i can see his drive, ambition and even his facial features in me. i can see his moods and his reactions. though there are really times that i wish he could be here, to simply be with me and share and be proud of my achievements, i just console myself w/ the thought that he at peace now w/ god. and that he deserves, and that i cannot take away from him.
life has a peculiar way of teaching us something. for a hard-headed and stubborn person like me, i learned it the hard way. i am now living life i hope better than yesterday.
Memento Mori.
Rest in peace.
*Wipes away a tear*
D.
Anonymous
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8 months, 2 weeks ago (2 months, 2 weeks after post)
so you better love your parents while they are still alive!
or just simply give more love. spread love =)
Anonymous wrote:
life has a peculiar way of teaching us something. for a hard-headed and stubborn person like me, i learned it the hard way. i am now living life i hope better than yesterday.
This was my own realization as well and it seems the only positive path forward. Thank-you for sharing your own experiences.
Anonymous
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8 months, 2 weeks ago (2 months, 2 weeks after post)
you are welcome. good luck, may tomorrow brings us much deserve joy and happiness than today.
getting it off my chest and sharing it is worth the effort.
I know this is an older post but the heart never fully heals. This is the saddest emotional piece of writing I’ve read in a long time that actually made me feel your pain in a tiny tiny way… and that was a lot to say the least )’: I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is to try to go on with family events and holidays without her next to you. My heart goes out to you. You will see your angel again one day and nothing else before that will matter. Ill keep you in my prayers sweetheart. God be with you always.
Much Love.
(you just replied to my other post) this is why i am insecure, i’m afraid that somewhere deep inside, my boyfriend misses things about his ex. that he likes things about other women better. i can’t trust what might be going on in his head, as apparently your girlfriend can’t either…i don’t know this just really confused me. i understand a memory of your loved one, your wife…but wishing your girlfriend were like here and you could be yourself with your girlfriend like you could with your wife? this would break your girlfriends heart (which i know is why you are keeping it secret) but that’s why we are insecure…ppl keep secrets and one way or another we always find out and the pain is too much to bear, and we just can’t trust, and we wonder why we aren’t good enough, and why we keep getting rejected over and over.
dunamisrocke wrote:
(you just replied to my other post) this is why i am insecure, i’m afraid that somewhere deep inside, my boyfriend misses things about his ex. that he likes things about other women better. i can’t trust what might be going on in his head, as apparently your girlfriend can’t either…i don’t know this just really confused me. i understand a memory of your loved one, your wife…but wishing your girlfriend were like here and you could be yourself with your girlfriend like you could with your wife? this would break your girlfriends heart (which i know is why you are keeping it secret) but that’s why we are insecure…ppl keep secrets and one way or another we always find out and the pain is too much to bear, and we just can’t trust, and we wonder why we aren’t good enough, and why we keep getting rejected over and over.
Thank-you for sharing this.
I think a major challenge is accepting that no person can be absolutely everything to another. We are who we are because of everything we experienced in the past (including past relationships). That’s what makes us attractive– how we’ve progressed and learned through life. It’s unrealistic to think that everything for your partner before you was crap and now it’s perfect.
In any longterm relationship, you have plenty of feelings. Feelings are in the moment. They are reactions to situations, to chemistry in the brain, to memories. Just because I miss someone I spend a long time with doesn’t mean someone else shouldn’t trust me. I just don’t get it.
It seems like a perfectionist concept that a relationship must be 100% perfect with someone only ever thinking of you. The problem is, you’re making this about YOU. If your partner doesn’t feel you are 100% of everything he needs, if he thinks fondly of someone else, if he has a life outside of you, then somehow you can’t trust him. Hunh? That just means that you do not accept him for who he is which includes all his thoughts and feelings about his whole life.
That is the problem with insecurity. The insecure person focuses on themselves. They spend so much time worrying about measuring up or being rejected that they close out the other person and don’t accept them for who they are, and don’t share themselves in an open way. THAT is what causes rejection.
Some alone time would help, a break from your busy world and time with your problems is what i would perscribe, that is if i was a doctor, you seem like a man that seems to desperatly need to find your center and observe what the world still has to offer you. no matter how hard it is take some time for yourself, go sit alone in front of a big oak tree think about the branches and the way the tree forks and compare it to your decisions and problems in your life. get back to you for awhile. there you will find her and really be able to make good decisions and get a foothold.
I’m so sorry for you………………….
Oh. That’s so sad :’( I’m sorry
Anonymous
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7 months, 4 weeks ago (3 months, 1 week after post)
that’s really sweet of you.it must have been really tought not havin any one else really understanding how you feel or what you’re going through.
i truly hope the situation will improve for you soon.
wow….im sorry youre still suffering with this. is there an update with your relationship? how do you feel?
this is so sad, and i’m sorry that you have to go through this.
i don’t know if your wife was buried or cremated, but maybe go
put some flowers at her grave if she was buried.. or if not, go
leave some flowers somewhere you two used to go together.
even though your girlfriend is insecure, she should understand
that even though you care about her, no one can ever replace
your wife. there is a reason you married her afterall.
love is an extraodinary thing.. and no matter where you are in life.. you will always love her.. i’m so sorry for you loss. my heart goes out to you.
awww….
Just know you’re an amazing person who loves to help others, and she is helping and watching over you.
you miss your wife so use this day to spend time on your own celibrating the life3 she did have. do something she enjoyed and remeber all the good things.
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good thing you have someone like that to think of… some people have the feelings of missing someone they’ve lost but don’t have the good memories.
luv luv
I am alone in this world right now. In the past 2-1/2 years I lost my mother,job,car and home. All I have is memories of good times that seem so long ago but I know they will return even though the ones I loved and the things I had will not. When a person dies they do not want to take you with them. They want you to live and be happy even though they are gone. All you can do is try to be the best person you can be and try to live a life that will pay honor and respect to the loved one who is gone. They want you to be happy because they are happy now that they don’t have to deal with the worries of this world.
Thank-you everyone. Your comments are very touching. I never expected such a heartfelt response to my post and I find all of your good wishes comforting.
Take this from someone who is currently awaiting Gabriels walk home. And who has also expienced great loss! LET IT GO! Know that your loved one knew you loved them. Know your loved one knows they’ll be missed. They rest in the comfort of knowing that you can still talk to them regurally. Even to vent your pent up frustrations. Make peace with yourself. Everyone will be ok. you can’t focus on getting on if you cant move on. It doens’t mean you dont miss or love the ones you’ve lost. It thrills them to know you can pick up the pieces and be strong with there memory. Recapture your joy. And never let anything even trgedy steal your joy or your kindness from you again. That will be your legacy! for yourself and your loved one(es)
Hey, thanks for your advice, I will take it. sorry about your wife. Its hard to find the right person, sounds like you had something for a while that we are all looking for.
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There will be a day where every tear will be wiped away. A day that is coming soon. You’re wife is not dead. She is simply sleeping awaiting the day where we will be lifted up into glory. And may her spirit, in the lord, present herself to you, as a comfort and confirmation that a day is coming where in union to the lord we will all be together as a family of God in joyious celebration. In a joy that is held in eternal completness, to be shared with all who choose love. Who choose life. May god bless you profoundly and lift you up. May your sorrow be bound with love and joy.
May you be blessed in every good way. Be at peace and know that your tears and sorrows have been heard and may the lord return to you, 7 fold, the loss you have suffered on behalf of his plan and may you be assured that it has not been in vain. So be it, in Jesus name.
I am sorry about your loss and I know that doesn’t help subside the aweful emptiness you feel inside. I too have known a loss of this magnitude and it is not easy. I had no one to talk with either, no one who understood my agony. I struggled to get out of the bed each day and it did not take much to bring me to tears. The only thing I knew to do was cry and ask God for help. It still hurts and always will. I will pray for you. God bless you.
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If your girlfriend really loves you and cares about your well-being she should be able to put her insecurities aside. Maybe she’s not the one for you. Why spend the rest of your life with someone you have to hide your feelings from.
that was sad and so beautiful too.
People want you to be happy, but I think that being allowed to be what ever you feel is what’s right. You said you could be yourself around her… wow, your a lucky man to have had that. I understand you can’t talk to your girlfriend about it, would be hard for her, but maybe in time she’ll see that part of what she loves about you is the reason you don’t just “move on” from the times past.
Might be rude to comment on something so personal, so I hope you take this with the respect it is sent with.
The past is part of who we are in the present, it can’t be changed and it shouldn’t be forgotten. Your girlfriend’s insecurities come from more then just the fact that you’re a widower. You will find someone who you can be comfortable with again, hopefully your current girlfriend. You didn’t say how long your wife’s been gone, but as with all things it gets more tolerable with time. I hope you can find peace.
Aww that is so sad, i somewhat relate to it… When u miss the person you have been with.
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I am extremely sorry.I cant feel that but I can surely understand that.I am really very sorry.
awwwww sorry sweetheart, she will aways be with you in spirit
Thanks for the input on control. It nailed it. Your post also challenged my perspective. I need to be more appreciative of what I have. My heart and prayers go out to you.
This is so sad. Maybe you arnt ready yet… r u sure u want 2 move on?
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im sorry for ur loss and thanks for the help
i wish u well
I could never imagine what it would be like to lose my baby boy.
I wish you and your girlfriend all the best; I bet your wife was a very lucky woman to have someone like you =]
x
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Anonymous
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5 months, 2 weeks ago (5 months, 2 weeks after post)
I’m very sorry for your loss. Thank you for your help. As harsh as it was, you are probably correct. I know I am insecure, I always have been and I am aware that I need to change that. I will work on that in order to not drive my fiance away.
Man.. sorry for your loss. It’s nice to see that you still love your wife despite having a girlfriend now.
Im so sorry that you lost your wife. Thank you so much for your help! I have to tell you that im a very insecure person myself, and I am not 100% sure how i would feel if i were in ur girlfriends shoes, but if i were her and if it is serious i would want to be that person you go to when something is bothering you! even though im sure your wife is watching over you maybe you need your girlfriend to hold your hand. That is the one great thing about people most of them are very understnding when it comes to things like this. Good luck I hope everything works out for you!
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I’m not sorry to hear this blog rather deeply privileged and moved. linuxya, She (your wife) will be even way more touched that you wrote and shared this. Wow…don’t be too sad rather immensely grateful…cuz you stuck gold…and you know that…and that will always be yours. Good for you man.
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Anonymous
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5 months, 2 weeks ago (5 months, 2 weeks after post)
linuxya, how is practice? you helped me one time here, i still remember you and thank you for that.
sad but true. your lucky to find something like that because others are trying it hard to find someone they really love but never stood chance of really be with him/her.
this is a quote from a Japanese novel “Men are color-blind, They obtain everything they can before they can notice”
Anonymous wrote:
linuxya, how is practice? you helped me one time here, i still remember you and thank you for that.
It means a lot to me to hear I was able to help you.
There’s a lot of goodness in my life. It all comes from effort, of course, reaching out. And it’s worth it. help.com, social groups, girlfriend, and finding a new way to pursue a dream I’d given up on… all I need is my job to come through.
Anonymous
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5 months, 2 weeks ago (5 months, 3 weeks after post)
linuxya wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
linuxya, how is practice? you helped me one time here, i still remember you and thank you for that.
It means a lot to me to hear I was able to help you.
There’s a lot of goodness in my life. It all comes from effort, of course, reaching out. And it’s worth it. help.com, social groups, girlfriend, and finding a new way to pursue a dream I’d given up on… all I need is my job to come through.
nice to hear that. in a way we are similar. i was once the bitter, lost, lonely, unhelpful and unhopeful lawyer. i am quite a work in progress now though. let us continue the good work upon ourselves. take care. =)
This is soooooo sad! Sounds like you are doing all you can do to get through, which is all you really can do. Find someone to talk to, perhaps a mutual friend of your late wife. You will always grieve this time of year. Hopefully the time will come when you can share this grief with your girlfriend. You are the man she loves because of this woman, hopefully in time she will see that and feel less insecure and be more able to support you during your grieving process.
Thank you for your help. The validation is very freeing.
My heart aches and I’ve got goosebumps. “An angel got [her] wings and we’ll hold our heads up, knowing that [she’s] fine. We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.” I’m sorry for your loss linuxya. I’m sure she’s up in heaven sending you her love.
Wow! You really ahve a beautiful heart, which I wish I could have once in my life! But mose people I met are like: saying I love you a month ago and leaving the next month. You are a treasure.
But boy, cherish whatever you have now coz the only thing you can have is now and future but not the past. Also, I feel sorry for your GF coz she is the one that make you happy now but does not have your whole-hearted love. It is a tragedy for any woman in love.
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In the famous words of red in the shawshank redemption “get busy living or get busy dying”
You can do it dude……we are all with you.
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This is stupid and you are stupid.
Anonymous wrote:
This is stupid and you are stupid.
You’re obviously angry and lashing out at other people because of it. Do you ever think that people lash out at you for the same reason?
linuxya wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This is stupid and you are stupid.
You’re obviously angry and lashing out at other people because of it. Do you ever think that people lash out at you for the same reason?
You started it by being a jerk in my other post!!!! How does it feel???????
Anonymous wrote:
linuxya wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This is stupid and you are stupid.
You’re obviously angry and lashing out at other people because of it. Do you ever think that people lash out at you for the same reason?
You started it by being a jerk in my other post!!!! How does it feel???????
It doesn’t bother me at all. Because I wasn’t being a jerk in your post and I can see you are lashing out at me because you’re angry at the people at work.
You really don’t get it. I never called you a loser. That’s something you came up with yourself. You reacted to something I wrote and decided to take it personally. THat’s the whole reason you are so unhappy at work.
If this is the way you react on a regular basis, you’re just making yourself miserable. Until you own that, you’ll just go around blaming other people for how you feel and you’ll be a passive victim.
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I feel terrible to know that someone so special to you is not with you. I cannot imagine or even understand your pain. I can only try. I pray that you will find comfort and support from your family and friends. I want to “Thank you” for being you and sharing with others something so special. To be honest YOU ARE AN ANGEL!!! – P.S. Thanks for helping me with my coworker issue :-)
I think this is so sad, but you truly are a wonderful person for remembering her and loving her like this. Remember that she’s in a wonderful place now, and she’s watching down on you as you go on, and I’ll bet she’s very proud.
The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.
~ Hilary Stanton Zunin
riemann wrote:
The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.
~ Hilary Stanton Zunin
Thanks very much for sharing this with me.
I guess the challenge is people don’t know what they’re missing if they have never experienced it. Too often I see people who are afraid of being hurt. What they don’t get is that their hurt comes from the shattering of their own fantasy of a potential partner, not from love.
To risk is to live.
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Lost love and its memories can last as long as we live, however, we do not lose the ability to love. Lost love in fact can teach us many things that we should have learned and we will probably value the new love and affection that comes our way. Love is an undying feeling that is bound to remain with us. Love is the feeling that makes each day valuable. Maybe you just need to talk to your current girlfriend about your feeling just as what i should have done ages but as for your lost love there are no words for me to convey my condolence to you and be strong my friend.
Anonymous
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3 months, 3 weeks ago (7 months, 2 weeks after post)
that is horrible. I am so sorry that this happened. It was wrong of him to break it off, tell you about his girlfriend, and then say I will miss you. No offense but this guy sounds like a major jerk. And you would be much better without him. Get a clean slate. Do something for you. Try to keep your mind off of him. Don’t worry karma will come around and bite him in the butt.
The guy is a jerk. I know you were with him for 13 years. But if he confesses about his gf and then says he misses you he is not worth your time. How did he do it? A letter or text show he is a coward. You deserve so much better than a coward. Don’t worry, karma will get him sooner or later.
Thats nice and very touching, my heart goes out to you
hey i feel for you. take it easy. she’s with you all the time in your heart. she wouldn’t want you to be sad.
wish there was something I could do. I will pray for all of you :(
Really make ma cry..
I am sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings to your wife, I feel them for my own husband and makes my situation even harder. Thank you for the good advice but you should follow it yourself in your own way. Life is so cruel we need to accept the good times when we can. I wish you the best.
You and your dear wife continue to give much to the world as these grateful comments show. You are not betraying a new friend. All the best to you and thank you for sharing your heart with us.
I too believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones, and that they live in our soul. You must never forget, lest you become hardened. Whoever shares your life from now will need to understand because you can’t wear a mask forever.
One more thing, when I lost my dear mother, we were best friends, I never thought so much about my loss but what I DID have, because very few ppl ever have a mother as dear, as loving and as kindhearted who forever impacted many lives. I will always be grateful to God for giving me such a mother, and you too, sound like were given a wonderful gift, even if it were only for a time. I’m sure the color will come back into your world. From my post about living with this unbearable pain, I think my problem is trying to accept the loss of the life I once had, its so hard to comes to terms with loss. I wish we were wired in a way that it would be easier.
fauxfantastic wrote:
its so hard to comes to terms with loss. I wish we were wired in a way that it would be easier.
It’s only through loss that we learn what is valuable.
Anonymous
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3 months, 1 week ago (8 months after post)
I suppose, i understand what you are going on about.
My Father died two years tomorrow. and i miss him so much, Its hard, as tomorrow is also my daughters birthday… and to make things worse, he died the same day she was born. So, its hard to be happy for her, when i miss my father so much. I don’t think i can quite compare your story to mine,. But if it helps. I understand of somewhat you are going though.. I did decide that tomorrow me and my daughter will go to his house, which i haven’t been in since i was a little girl. I own the property, and me and my daughter have decided to go there and clean it up. I suppose, its time for me to move on. Although i still think he will walk through the door any minuet.
Maybe you should see through her things?.. or look at her pictures, or pray?.. I pray every night, and i just hope that my father is listening to me. Even though he doesnt speak back, i understand what he is saying. I hope this helps. xx
I am so sorry to read of your loss. Your wife was irreplacable. Sorry again.
I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you, and give you strength. You are in my prayers.
Anonymous
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2 months, 4 weeks ago (8 months, 1 week after post)
Life is like a really long bus trip.
You may coincidently find the person sitting next to you to be the most interesting you’ve ever met. But it’s just that in some cases, their destination isn’t quite as far as yours. So close, that you never even get to ask their name, and are left pondering about what could’ve been had they stayed and the subjects you talked about.
In retrospect, you suddenly notice there was another person who climbed aboard at the very same station, and asked you “Is this sit taken?”. You were dreaming, so they sat next to the person behind you. You kept dreaming by yourself until the very last minute, when the driver announced “We have arrived at your destination, Linuxya”.
These could be your thoughts and memories, friend.
Anonymous wrote:
Life is like a really long bus trip.
I like this metaphor a lot. Thanks for sharing it.
Anonymous
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2 months, 3 weeks ago (8 months, 1 week after post)
Me too. It seems to be able to fit well with whatever you give it.
You’re welcome. I do suggest you take my advice though…
I really feel for you. It must be hard. Im sure your wife is still with you in your heart and soul Im not very religous but believe in love lasting after life
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I am truly sorry for your loss. No girlfriend you ever have will understand the way you feel in your heart for the first woman you loved. I hope time makes this feeling easier. I will pray for you to come past this. You won’t ever get over it, and sometimes time can’t heal all things. I hope this helps and I will sincerely pray for you.
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oh it was so beautiful and it really touched my soul , I pray for u , and I believe both of u are such admirable and lovely people , u for being such a lover and she for being so nice to be loved this much , may she rest in peace ….
You’re a poet. I’ve read through the responses and i loved the bus journey metaphor too. I notice this was 8 months ago, so i hope i’m not unearthing the past, but i felt i had to tell you that your advice really helped. You’re a good person and i genuinely hope you’re happy. You deserve it.
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oh goodness, Arohamai for you huge loss, then i say “tinoaatahua” beautiful that you have found love again. I am sure for you for wife was perfect, as my mum thought of my dad after 31 years of marriage before he passed, its been seven years now and still his photos are all over the house and clothes still in the closet. The one thing i notice she doesn’t do so much is “cry”, before she only had to look at a photo, hear a song, look at one of us kids, pretty much anything and she would think about dad, what was and would could still have been.Now she can actually smile and talk about him without being so sad. HoweverI think the reason she has found it hard to move on is because she holds my dad on a pedastal, not to say he shouldnt be but she constantly compares prospective partners to him hence they feel intimidated and mum picks flaws. i hope that in general you have mourned and accepted your wifes death, that’s not to say that you are not entitled to think about her or acknowledge her, i believe you can talk about her with your partner providing you don’t make her feel like she’s the consolation prize. I do not want to cause offence but the hardest job your girlfriend has is living up to picture in your mind that was “perfect”, that’s harder to compete with than if she was an ex girlfriend or wife hence insecurities.
cpj wrote:
i hope that in general you have mourned and accepted your wifes death
Thank you so much for your lovely words and for introducing me to Maori.
Yes, I have grieved my wife and passed through the stages of denial, anger, regrets, and depression. I do not see her as perfect. She had many flaws and allowing myself to finally go through the anger stage (being angry with her) helped me a lot.
I read accounts from girlfriends of widowers to understand their point of view and I worked hard to deal with each of the things they would bring up to ensure my own girlfriend would never have to suffer those same challenges.
I have enjoyed this new relationship so much. I have focused on making up for all the things I wished I’d done differently in the first relationship. I have been repaid a 1000-fold by my girlfriend who has blossomed into such a happy, secure and giving woman over this last year. I can see and feel the change in her and I enjoy how things keep improving.
I feel so very lucky to have her and to have the store of love and experience from my first relationship to bring to this one. I can understand how difficult it must be for people who suffer from bad relationships to enter into a new one. They don’t have all the good experiences to draw from.
Thanks again for your sweet words. Me kore ake koe hei whakaako mai i a mātou.
Any female who is “jealous” of a dead woman is the wrong gal to be with. It’s obvious that you never got over your beloved wife and her untimely passing and that’s alright. You don’t have to, but be sure that the next woman that you find understands that although there is room in your heart for her too, it just may be a bit crowded because your late wife is already living there and isn’t going to leave. God bless you.
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Have you ever just tried talking to God, praying to God? … you wont be at peace UNTIL you give it to JESUS
Hi,
I just wanted to say I admire that you have gone through this significant loss, and have still maintained balance by remembering the good experiences. It must still be a life changing event even to this day. I am glad that you have found peace and a new life, even with all this pain you have been given beauty for ashes. I pray that you will increase in healing and joy, and can someday be able to help someone else facing this sort of loss.
elgn2 wrote:
Have you ever just tried talking to God, praying to God? … you wont be at peace UNTIL you give it to JESUS
I understand that your heart is for Jesus, but I think people are going to be put off somewhat by the way that you almost force the point. It feels more like a fight than a hug, (which is better.)
Ko koe tonu a runga e hoa (my friend you are awesome!)i was so reluctant to share on any website my current situation, yet your honesty and wisdom has helped me to self reflect but with a sense of calm, perhaps that’s why there appears to be more clarity for me. Anger and denial can have such a lifechanging impact, I do note that your most recent posts would suggest you have indeed experienced and battled through “the grieving process” in itsform and glad to most common stages and that you have progressed to a much happier place, what great mana you have. I admire that you have taken the time to understand how your girlfriend could have been feeling etc so many times we as humans could be so self absorbed with our own emotions and feelings that we often overlook the impact it could have on them.Not only am i sensing you are a lucky man but your girlfriend is a lucky woman. How fitting that your beloved wife has helped contribute to you still being a considerate loving partner Till we converse again, arohanui CPJ
i know how you feel
u dont take things for granted anymore
to the best of ur ablitys u live life to the full
and prey for tommorrow as tommorrow may never come
u defiently become a better man
hang in there mate u always have a right to remember so dont let
ur girlfriend stop u
If I died I would want my husband to move on. He is my world and a great father. But I would want him to have the wonderful life that he deserves. He is the only man I will ever truly love. As long as they truly loved him and our 2 children…
With that being said I also know how it feels to feel second to someone who has passed away. I didn’t know he had this former relationship until my first child was 6 months old. I watched him cry over her… It broke my heart. I do want my husband to be happy. I just cant be happy knowing that I can never have the same love that he feels for her. He has never been honest with me…If you can’t give your whole heart and you have your girlfriends how fair is that?
~Val~ wrote:
If you can’t give your whole heart and you have your girlfriends how fair is that?
Every person is responsible for completing the grieving process.
But every person is also responsible for investigating their prospective partner and dealing with their own insecurities before they enter marriage or have kids.
Thinking you will “never have the love” he had for his first wife means you are letting your insecurities distract you from focusing on developing something NEW and DIFFERENT with your husband now. You can have an entirely different relationship.
Saying “I just cant be happy” is your CHOICE. You are choosing to be unhappy because you don’t have something that probably never existed. My wife was not perfect. The relationship was flawed. Yet girls who dated me ASSUMED it was. Why? Some silly romantic notion in their minds.
Your insecurity will harm your relationship. What draws a man to you is your happiness. If you focus on what you don’t have (something that never existed, and I can guarantee you that) then he will never feel as attracted to you as he otherwise would.
If you focus on building something new and different and unique, allowing him to right his regrets from s first relationship, then you will have a devoted partner, probably more devoted to you and better with you than he ever was with his first wife.
Am so sorry about your wife deth but u have to move on, and keep praying to god is the only one that can take away ur sorrow.
thanks for you advice, happy anniversary, your wife would be prod, my advice to you is never feel u cant be yourself i’v made that mastak in my relationship and not saying what you really feel can put a strain on your hart,
i’m sure your wifes watching over you.
like you i miss my husband he died4months ago.was married for37 years was my heart and soul. when he died he took a piece of me.but me never be another!he is always with me talk to him i know he hears me.week after i laid him to rest was in wreck! i had ask him to come get me .i was not here.last thing i remember was glass seen solid white sky not like clouds can’t really explain.but he wasn’t there.they say my daughter was out their talking to her dad saying wasn’t right to take momma! i need her. guess god judged her soul.hard to believe but may i never see my husband again if this is a lie
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ray48teres wrote:
like you i miss my husband he died4months ago.was married for37 years was my heart and soul. when he died he took a piece of me.but me never be another!he is always with me talk to him i know he hears me.week after i laid him to rest was in wreck! i had ask him to come get me .i was not here.last thing i remember was glass seen solid white sky not like clouds can’t really explain.but he wasn’t there.they say my daughter was out their talking to her dad saying wasn’t right to take momma! i need her. guess god judged her soul.hard to believe but may i never see my husband again if this is a lie
I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you have supernatural beliefs, perhaps you can take comfort in them. I don’t believe in any of that stuff. That is what drives me to make a new life here and now. I have found this has helped me the most.
Get yourself the book “On grief and grieving” by Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross. It is fantastic. It speaks right to you.
thanks like i tell others. everbody needs someone to talk to. so i try to help other people
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