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This open post was written 11 months ago | V/U/S: 227, 12, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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war, poem, sad, Leaving Home, poetry, Criticize, memories, Drama, hard times, tough (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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Anonymous changed the tags on this post: they were "war, poem, sad" 11 months ago.

Anonymous changed the tags on this post: they were "war, poem, sad, Leaving Home, poetry, Criticize, memories" 11 months ago.

Coalesce 31 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months ago (8 minutes after post)

Check spelling 1st. Then… I’d switch out the mantra ‘Oh how I despise you’, it get’s kinda monotonous. I’d try switching it up each line: ‘Oh how I despise you’, ‘I cannot abide you’, ‘At first so unlike you’, etc… Last, I’d use neutral phrasing like ‘mother’ and ‘father’ instead of mom and dad. No one despised home or the memories thereof and uses ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, those words betray that the person is actually quite fond of their parents, home, and childhood.

Help me with: Read and rate, pleeease… I will love you forever!

Sir Cody † 55 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months ago (15 minutes after post)

I hate that it deals with sin… other than that Coalesce beat me to the punch for the most part. Also, there is no hope mentioned, no avenue of escape that offers relief.

Help me with: Just for fun.

Coalesce 31 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months ago (21 minutes after post)

I’m assuming ‘most beautiful sin’ refers to a lover. I think the phrasing works well with the overral theme of ’self-loathing’.

Help me with: Read and rate, pleeease… I will love you forever!

huh? 0 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months ago (21 minutes after post)

Well, just figured I’d say what it’s about so people don’t wonder. It’s about a man leaving home (his childhood home) and heading off to war. He despises it all because, while he’s at war, the memories of what he’s left behind will haunt him. He’s unwilling to let it go though becaue it means so much to him.

Thanks for criticizing. =) All those fake compliments really get old. Haha.

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huh? 0 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months ago (25 minutes after post)

I know? I was thanking you. =)

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Anonymous edited this post 11 months ago. Read the previous text »

Ok, let’s break the mold, change things up a bit. Could you criticize my poem? I’m tired of seeing people always posting things like “I love it,” simply trying to be nice. I want the opposite now. Be mean. Pick at the poem. Tell me what’s wrong with it.

“Not too long now I’ll be off,
Allow me the dismay of one last look.”

“These old dim, gloomy halls,
Oh how I despise you.”
“Beautifully painted walls,
Oh how I despise you.”
“My room, my… safe haven?
Oh how I despise you.”
“The old rocker mom held me in,
Oh how I despise you.”
“My bed, where I heald my most beautiful sin,
Oh how I despise you.”
“The bed-side table dad and I made,
Oh how I despise you.”
“Over there is where we played,
Oh how I despise you!”

“But alas, I must go now,
To a place of great desperation.”

“You’re always within,
Burning at my every thought.”

“And for that…
I despise you”

Sir Cody † 55 #
An Unknown Location | 10 months, 3 weeks ago (2 days, 22 hours after post)

Why did you take it off?

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