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Issues with coming out to my friend.
It took a while, but I finally accepted I was gay. After five years of fighting it and trying to change it, I realized that this was how it was going to be and it was not going to change. I’ve told a couple people (females friends)that I was gay… and that was really hard. I live in a very conservative place which is really not open to this type of… lifestyle. These girls are close friends of mine, but I’m not really open to them like I am with my best friend. I told them to judge how people might react, to practice, and just to let off some of the pent up steam. I haven’t told my parents… and don’t plan to for some time. But that’s beside the point. Right now I’m getting ready to tell my best friend.
Let me tell you about him. He is immature and childish when around people most of the time, but can be serious and a deep thinker given the chance. He forgets things all the time and has a brain that can get good grades if it tries. He gets mad easy, but forgives quicker and feels terrible if someone is mad at him. He replies to text messages and phone calls only if a question is asked of him and can rarely make a conversation interesting over the phone. He only takes homework seriously if I’m in the same class as him and falls asleep each and every time he picks up a book for more then 15 minutes.
He is my best friend and whether he knows it or not he knows more about me and has seen the real side of me more then any other person on this planet. He has trusted me with a lot of things that I don’t think he has ever spoke of before except maybe in the comfort of his own mind. He takes my advice on anything and seeks my approval for his actions, good or bad. When I’m mad at him he gets depressed and always wants me around in his daily routine… basically we are like any best friends you may come across in your lifetime.
He will be the hardest person to come out to next to my parents. I trust him with everything, but there is a problem with trusting him with this. Two actually. First is that he acts homophobic quite often and cringes at the first mention of homosexual behavior. He can’t stand being joked with about the issue and rapidly goes on the defensive if someone, even in the most joking way, challenges his sexuality. But even that is not what I fear the most. What I fear the most is probably worse then that by ten times… I love him…
In fact I highly doubt we would have ever become best friends if I had not loved him from the moment I saw him. It is a terrible thing to have to go through. I want to be more then friends… but don’t want to lose the friendship… both of which are possibilities when I finally come clean with this. I know he views me as his best friend because he has told me… but what kind of strain can this put on a friendship? Quite a bit. Especially after I tell him I’m gay I tell him that I like him. The two will go hand in hand no matter what happens. I can’t lose him as a friend or my life will turn into a desolate wasteland… but I can’t keep it bottled up anymore either because I will surely explode in a terrible maelstrom.
And of course there is the distinct possibility that he feels the same way. Such a joyous time if this future is laid bare! But I cannot count on it. There have been many times when I thought this might be true… but equally many times when I feared it was not. Is it possible to know a person too well? So well that you cannot hope to be certain about something like this? He talks about girls and yet has shown me much more affection and openness then I ever saw him show any female.
It is like standing in the edge of a knife with a bowl of delicious strawberry jello with bananas on one side and a spiked pit on the other… But you cannot see which side is which! And whats more you can’t stay standing on the knife because you will surely be cut in half! What to do… what to do…
Anybody have any suggestions? any hints? any assurances? I would be glad to hear anything and everything anyone has to say. Thanks.
This open post was written 10 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 168, 6, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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