Love help: I need help to decide what to do. - Help.com

I need help to decide what to do. There is a lot to say so i will just say it. My friend, we will call him Horse, i am in love with him.

I am a male and i am openly gay, but i please do not let that allow you to a think of a certain conformity. I am gay but i am not as effeminate as the stereotype projects, i am also a college student with a firm grasp on reality. I have had only one relationship, this only lasted 3 months and the person i had it with, well we both mutually ended the relationship because it was more of an experiment for me and he was just craving the attention. I am not one to use people but i was confused at the time, the entirety of the relationship can be summed up into a few words; we were both gay.

I was raped and molested when i was younger, my family grew out from an impoverished lifestyle and now we lead a not so healthy low income lifestyle, not to say we are in poverty, it’s just to say that we are by no means wealthy in finances. My parents are divorced, my dad is rarely in appearance in my life, and my mother is a known mover of homes. By this i mean that i have moved from house to house an impressive amount of times, roughly 16 times in my life of eighteen years. So with the moving of houses, i acquired a mechanism of unattachement. I was able to befriend someone, share and extensive amount of time and memories with that person, then leave and forget all concerning them. The family is latin american, i don’t know what else to write in my profile.

“Horse” is an extreme introvert, and as such i will list examples. He, in class, sits in the corner of the lecture hall and leaves immediately either to the nearest restaurant, or to an area where he could study. He does not talk to many people, and in conversation he usually just says a few words and nod’s or shakes his head to answer the queries of others.

We met in Middle school, i was somewhat of an introvert then, but once I would make friends i would convert to extroversion. One of my affinities is to make friends, not that i go out to make them, it just happens. Well “Horse” was one of these friends, he turned out to be the closest friend i would have at this school. One of many schools. We would occasionally go to each other’s houses and sleep there. I will admit that i had a crush on him. When we would be in his room, in the basement of his house, i was intrigued by him.He sleeps on occasion with his shoes on, and trivial things like that. And as he would sit there, playing his video games i would lay down behind him, caressing him with an arm of mine, at time both arms. And he would not even push me off, instead he would sit there as i would rub my hands and arms against his skin and stomach.

Well that was the past, 8th grade. when we were promoted from middle school, we were separated. The school system had adopted a new plan that would inevitably separate us. I then lost his number, as he did mine. I never could forget about him, as i did the rest. I would carry these intangible memories with me my next four years. And these memories evolved into an emotion i thought i was previously incapable of, which was, as i think of it, love.

there was an instance in time where i wondered who i ever loved, and it was then that i remembered him, but could not remember his name. It saddened me but i don’t recall if there were tears or not.

I survived my highschool era and moved on to college, but it was this faithful time that i reconvened with him. There was someone with striking blond hair that sat a few chairs in front of me, but i could not place my finger on it. Then he walked by me and a flood of memories were let on to me, i bathed in these and i remembered his name.

Our next day we spent together, on occasion. We were serparated from groups, but we always ended up together in the end, i gave him my phone number as he did to me. We left, and that following month i could not bring myself to call him.

We are now in college, ( i am trying to shorten this little anecdote) and we share a class together. Somewhere in this time we hang out. This is where he leaves class immediately following dismissal to eat or study. But occasionally he would wish to hang out with me, which to me seems to be a reach seeing as how he is so introverted. One of the conversations i remember was quite brief but it goes as following [I say, “How many friends have you made.”

“about six”

“six? i made like sixty.. but i wouldn’t call them friends, they are mostly acquaintances. “

“yeah my six aren’t really friends, they are acquaintances, except for one.”, and then he looks to me with a smirk. Whereas i believe this individual is me, i cannot say.]

another conversation we had was when i tell him about my sexuality. I tell him im gay, he seems a bit standoffish but seemingly acquiesces, then he asks me questions, as most people with a curiosity do, about how my mom reacts, and this and that. But then it strikes me that his intrigue was almost moreso than that of a regular individual. and that is the end of that memory.

Many little things happen here and there. I inevitably tell him that i like him, and life continues and i feel a bit saddened by the fact that we don’t talk for the next few weeks. But i come to accept that it is him, he leaves after class and goes to study. And i just watch him as he leaves.

He walks up to me after one class, however, and we proceed to hangout as we had before. But on the first instance i ask him about what i mentioned before and he said that he was straight. as if to convince me. But soon afterword he redirects to how i feel, he was overly concerned with what my response would be, he did not want me to cry, or be saddened.

Then on another occasion. We hang out in my dormitory (he is a commuter so we can only hang out for a fixed amount of time, i think that if the time weren’t so restricted then this situation would probably easier and less complex.

Well the previous conversation about me liking him came up, briefly, about him not being gay. And so we sat there in the well known but awkward silence that we always share and I yell at him for doing something childish and aggravating in the game “God that is so gay!”. And then he whispers under his breath ” i might be a bit gay” i here it clearly, and after that i am thrown into a loop of confusion.

Now we are on winter break, I call him on december 26th. not that i noted it or anything, it was just easy to remember (day after X-mas). The call was like a personal conversation i was familiar to with, idle chit chat with the well known silence and adopted awkwardness, not that i seek such awkwardness. One thing i fail to mention the uniqueness in calling, between us. He has a prepaid phone which he explicitly told me that his parents (a father and a step mother) explicitly told him, “This is for emergencies and to call us”. But it is from that phone that he calls me from, with short conversations and talk about where to rendezvous if we are both able to make it. He is not one to violate something like that.

Well now it’s the end of december and i invite him to come to the movies with me, and he agrees. We watched “The spirit” tuesday of last week. And boy was that as awkward for me as i assume it was for him. well we watch the movie, i make the few jokes that is in my personality to make prior. We watch the movie, no snacks, just Him and i sitting beside each other, but as far away as possible, like too children sitting near each other yet on the far side of the seat. both of us were too cautious to even use the arm rest that served as a median.

the movie ended, he uses the bathroom, (he does that a lot) and i wait outside, we meet back up and briefly discuss the movie. We both enjoyed the refreshing action comedy, and that was that. I tell him my mother is coming to retrieve me, my car had been sold by her, and so he leaves i mean there was nothing else to do so i respond with a goodbye. I sit down, nervous and anxious, i was upset. I thought myself foolish to expect something to develop from this, i ended up with an upset. Or so i had imagined.

He called me nearly ten minutes after, i was still waiting for my mother, and he wanted me to reassure him that i did in fact have someone coming for me. this to me was the paramount point of the night, he called me to make sure i had a ride. I reassure him that i was fine and we try to set up another event to go on. We don’t think of anything so i tell him i’d call him later. He tells me to call him any time.

Anytime is also unique, he is a paper boy, and as such his day starts at 3:00 a.m. which was as of now, 1 hour and twenty-seven minutes ago. He goes tosleep at 8 p.m. and wakes up at 3 a.m. thought the movie lasted well into 9:30, so i imagine he did not go to sleep until 10 that night.

I call him on new years ever around 7 pm, he tells me he will sleep at 8. I wish him a happy new years, and little jokes happen where he says “But new years isn’t here yet!” and things of that nature.

I haven;t called him back, and that was aprx.6 days ago. I don’t know what to do now. Any thoughts would be nice and beneficial.

I apologize for the length of this anecdote, and with this i say goodnight.

** Edit at end has a ‘much’ shorter summary.

I need help to decide what to do. There is a lot to say so i will just say it. My friend, we will call him Horse, i am in love with him.

I am a male and i am openly gay, but i please do not let that allow you to a think of a certain conformity. I am gay but i am not as effeminate as the stereotype projects, i am also a college student with a firm grasp on reality. I have had only one relationship, this only lasted 3 months and the person i had it with, well we both mutually ended the relationship because it was more of an experiment for me and he was just craving the attention. I am not one to use people but i was confused at the time, the entirety of the relationship can be summed up into a few words; we were both gay.

I was raped and molested when i was younger, my family grew out from an impoverished lifestyle and now we lead a not so healthy low income lifestyle, not to say we are in poverty, it’s just to say that we are by no means wealthy in finances. My parents are divorced, my dad is rarely in appearance in my life, and my mother is a known mover of homes. By this i mean that i have moved from house to house an impressive amount of times, roughly 16 times in my life of eighteen years. So with the moving of houses, i acquired a mechanism of unattachement. I was able to befriend someone, share and extensive amount of time and memories with that person, then leave and forget all concerning them. The family is latin american, i don’t know what else to write in my profile.

“Horse” is an extreme introvert, and as such i will list examples. He, in class, sits in the corner of the lecture hall and leaves immediately either to the nearest restaurant, or to an area where he could study. He does not talk to many people, and in conversation he usually just says a few words and nod’s or shakes his head to answer the queries of others.

We met in Middle school, i was somewhat of an introvert then, but once I would make friends i would convert to extroversion. One of my affinities is to make friends, not that i go out to make them, it just happens. Well “Horse” was one of these friends, he turned out to be the closest friend i would have at this school. One of many schools. We would occasionally go to each other’s houses and sleep there. I will admit that i had a crush on him. When we would be in his room, in the basement of his house, i was intrigued by him.He sleeps on occasion with his shoes on, and trivial things like that. And as he would sit there, playing his video games i would lay down behind him, caressing him with an arm of mine, at time both arms. And he would not even push me off, instead he would sit there as i would rub my hands and arms against his skin and stomach.

Well that was the past, 8th grade. when we were promoted from middle school, we were separated. The school system had adopted a new plan that would inevitably separate us. I then lost his number, as he did mine. I never could forget about him, as i did the rest. I would carry these intangible memories with me my next four years. And these memories evolved into an emotion i thought i was previously incapable of, which was, as i think of it, love.

there was an instance in time where i wondered who i ever loved, and it was then that i remembered him, but could not remember his name. It saddened me but i don’t recall if there were tears or not.

I survived my highschool era and moved on to college, but it was this faithful time that i reconvened with him. There was someone with striking blond hair that sat a few chairs in front of me, but i could not place my finger on it. Then he walked by me and a flood of memories were let on to me, i bathed in these and i remembered his name.

Our next day we spent together, on occasion. We were serparated from groups, but we always ended up together in the end, i gave him my phone number as he did to me. We left, and that following month i could not bring myself to call him.

We are now in college, ( i am trying to shorten this little anecdote) and we share a class together. Somewhere in this time we hang out. This is where he leaves class immediately following dismissal to eat or study. But occasionally he would wish to hang out with me, which to me seems to be a reach seeing as how he is so introverted. One of the conversations i remember was quite brief but it goes as following [I say, “How many friends have you made.”

“about six”

“six? i made like sixty.. but i wouldn’t call them friends, they are mostly acquaintances. “

“yeah my six aren’t really friends, they are acquaintances, except for one.”, and then he looks to me with a smirk. Whereas i believe this individual is me, i cannot say.]

another conversation we had was when i tell him about my sexuality. I tell him im gay, he seems a bit standoffish but seemingly acquiesces, then he asks me questions, as most people with a curiosity do, about how my mom reacts, and this and that. But then it strikes me that his intrigue was almost moreso than that of a regular individual. and that is the end of that memory.

Many little things happen here and there. I inevitably tell him that i like him, and life continues and i feel a bit saddened by the fact that we don’t talk for the next few weeks. But i come to accept that it is him, he leaves after class and goes to study. And i just watch him as he leaves.

He walks up to me after one class, however, and we proceed to hangout as we had before. But on the first instance i ask him about what i mentioned before and he said that he was straight. as if to convince me. But soon afterword he redirects to how i feel, he was overly concerned with what my response would be, he did not want me to cry, or be saddened.

Then on another occasion. We hang out in my dormitory (he is a commuter so we can only hang out for a fixed amount of time, i think that if the time weren’t so restricted then this situation would probably easier and less complex.

Well the previous conversation about me liking him came up, briefly, about him not being gay. And so we sat there in the well known but awkward silence that we always share and I yell at him for doing something childish and aggravating in the game “God that is so gay!”. And then he whispers under his breath ” i might be a bit gay” i here it clearly, and after that i am thrown into a loop of confusion.

Now we are on winter break, I call him on december 26th. not that i noted it or anything, it was just easy to remember (day after X-mas). The call was like a personal conversation i was familiar to with, idle chit chat with the well known silence and adopted awkwardness, not that i seek such awkwardness. One thing i fail to mention the uniqueness in calling, between us. He has a prepaid phone which he explicitly told me that his parents (a father and a step mother) explicitly told him, “This is for emergencies and to call us”. But it is from that phone that he calls me from, with short conversations and talk about where to rendezvous if we are both able to make it. He is not one to violate something like that.

Well now it’s the end of december and i invite him to come to the movies with me, and he agrees. We watched “The spirit” tuesday of last week. And boy was that as awkward for me as i assume it was for him. well we watch the movie, i make the few jokes that is in my personality to make prior. We watch the movie, no snacks, just Him and i sitting beside each other, but as far away as possible, like too children sitting near each other yet on the far side of the seat. both of us were too cautious to even use the arm rest that served as a median.

the movie ended, he uses the bathroom, (he does that a lot) and i wait outside, we meet back up and briefly discuss the movie. We both enjoyed the refreshing action comedy, and that was that. I tell him my mother is coming to retrieve me, my car had been sold by her, and so he leaves i mean there was nothing else to do so i respond with a goodbye. I sit down, nervous and anxious, i was upset. I thought myself foolish to expect something to develop from this, i ended up with an upset. Or so i had imagined.

He called me nearly ten minutes after, i was still waiting for my mother, and he wanted me to reassure him that i did in fact have someone coming for me. this to me was the paramount point of the night, he called me to make sure i had a ride. I reassure him that i was fine and we try to set up another event to go on. We don’t think of anything so i tell him i’d call him later. He tells me to call him any time.

Anytime is also unique, he is a paper boy, and as such his day starts at 3:00 a.m. which was as of now, 1 hour and twenty-seven minutes ago. He goes tosleep at 8 p.m. and wakes up at 3 a.m. thought the movie lasted well into 9:30, so i imagine he did not go to sleep until 10 that night.

I call him on new years ever around 7 pm, he tells me he will sleep at 8. I wish him a happy new years, and little jokes happen where he says “But new years isn’t here yet!” and things of that nature.

I haven;t called him back, and that was aprx.6 days ago. I don’t know what to do now. Any thoughts would be nice and beneficial.

I apologize for the length of this anecdote, and with this i say goodnight.

edit: for the sake of making this shorter. My long lost best friend and i have become friends again by finding each other at the university. All this time i haven’t forgotten about him. All this time being five years since eighth grade, and i have a mechanism that forces me to forget things. He is extremely introverted, and sends mixed signals like saying he is straight yet on one occasion says “I might be a bit gay.” under his breath.

The last thing we did together was go to a movie, we talked very little but at the end he showed some concern for me. He called me after the fact that he had already left and already asked that i had a ride, to make sure that i had a ride, though he was seemingly prepared to come back and pick me up. His phone is prepaid so he isn’t supposed to call anyone outside his family but he calls me.