soooooooooo…
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wats up u guys right now im continuing to write something of mine and if u want to read it so far just ask.
mums the word…watever that means.
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Post a replyit’s kind of big but its a part of the first chapter of a story that im writing.
here it is:
TIME
She is lust she is bold, she is brave, but most of all of all, a dreamer who is in love.
Here we go again. I swear that it would be a miracle if for one day my mom and I wouldn’t fight or argue about the stupidest things. Well we’ve all heard the saying “when pigs fly.” Today is Friday I start up school again in a few weeks. It is not summertime; I mean I start a new school in a few weeks. I’m just taking the time to pack up my things and brace myself for the weeks ahead.
I live in New York. I love this place! Places that are full of people are just my style, it’s not so easy to be noticed and everything, I’m terribly shy. I only have one true friend and I’m going to miss her lots. I hate my mom for making move in with my dad. I mean something about how from now until I turn eighteen I have to go live with him.
My parents divorced when I was young, about nine at the time. We don’t talk very much and we occasionally see each other (he comes and visits once a year for a weekend). How low. I don’t care if he is busy he should have the time to come here for at least a week.
My mother’s name is Shauna. She is fairly beautiful and is a very nice care giving person. My father’s name is David, you could say he is somewhat handsome and has an athletic body figure to him. However unlike Shauna, David cares about his work more than anything else. I can see why my parents are not together anymore. That would be one life full of chaos, a complete train wreck.
I have lived with my mom for almost my whole life. And she expects me to go and live with a guy? A guy I barely knew? Come on, this is my second year in high school, and I’m turning sixteen. This really isn’t my life plan.
“Amel please don’t be so difficult!” Shauna said.
“Mom the only one being difficult here is you,” I said practically yelling into my mom’s face. “I don’t see why I have to go!”
“Amel you are going and that is final! I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth about this until you have a positive thing to say, you hear me?”
“Yes I do. Oh and by the way I think you should no mom I’m so excited that I’m moving all the way across the United States.” I said this sarcastically to get back at her.
“Well, I’m glad you feel that way Amel” we could both play good at this game. She smiled, turned around, and walked out of my bedroom door, well soon to be called ex bedroom door. She makes me so angry sometimes and I don’t particularly care for anger or being just a playing jerk. I’m starting to get the feeling that she just doesn’t want me around her or something , I bet she can’t just wait until I’m out of her hair.
I feel so very unloved and kind of betrayed right now. Really and truly I don’t like what the future cards are dealing out to me. I wish that it was different, that I wasn’t so shy, and that I have more friends to hang out with. But I don’t, this is playing old me, Amel.
I look around my room for this is the last night I will sleep in this very same bed, looking at this very same ceiling when I wake up in the morning. I never thought that this could actually happen. Tomorrow is coming too quickly, I don’t want to leave- no I’m not ready to leave. This is not happening I’m just having a very long nightmare that fits into this world that we like to call reality. Yeah that’s it, just a nightmare.
Well my dreams crashed and burned, I’m still me and I still have to leave. This is the day I have been trying to avoid, and I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now, this is really unfair. If my mother doesn’t want me around well then so be it I will be out of her way until I graduate and maybe even longer, I suppose that it has to do with where I go to collage and so forth.
After I took my shower I went across the hall and into the kitchen where the smell of pancakes and maple syrup lingered in the air. Of course I’m hungry I’m just not really in the mood to eat right now, much less even talk to my mom.
I sat down in a chair at the dining room table and said nothing. I’m going to miss sitting here when I was doing my homework or just reading. This is a nice cozy little room. Little light shines through the windows, the lights in the ceiling give a nice dim shine to the red walls that surround me and every other object in this room. I never get cold in this room. There are very nice feelings in this place; it’s warm, comfortable, but most of all it is home.
sry if u dont like it, im only sixteen and dont read very much just let me know if have any suggestions.
ready for some constructive criticism? :)
i’ll address it as being the first page in a story.
the beginning of a story is very importantת
it needs to give you a good picture of whats going on, in the fewest first sentences, whilst keeping you curious about what is about to happen.
start with clearing any unnecessary information.
the first half up until the conversation starts, is very jumpy.
it doesn’t focus on anything and hold a lot of things that are irrelevant for the upcoming conversation.
the real relevant thing is that her parents are divorced and she is about to move to live with… whoever it is. it is not implied who.
HOWEVER
i suggest you skip the entire informative part and start the chapter strate from the conversation.
try throwing hints as to the fact that she lives only with her mother within the conversation, or in the things that goes threw Amel’s mind during or after.
after the readers get to know Amel and her mom you can start throwing in more interesting important facts threw Amel’s thoughts, for example, she loads the logage on the car and wonders to herself about the man she is going to meet, maybe compare him in her mind with her dad…
like that…
slightly pour information in while thing are on the go.
this would make the story flow more easily, and a lot more interesting.
anyhow, looks like you have a good material for a story, enjoy writing it!
good luck
It’s very good. I think the only big thing that hindered it is the lack of sentence variety. It seems very business-like, while it should be more emotional. Also, some sentences are choppy. Otherwise, good job. :)
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