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My own body is my prison and my escape. I spend as much time alone as I can but I hate my body and all that it requires, I know it is the thing keeping me here. It needs looking after and it can’t do things I need to do. My arms ache and so does the rest of me. I can’t even write for long periods of time anymore.
Let’s start right from the beginning of the day, I wake up. It’s morning, or rather it’s my morning. 12.00. Its not unusual for me to be up at that time, I find it hard to sleep in the night and so waking up as late as I can, almost nocturnally is normal for me. I notice there is no music, I live with music and so I debate the consequences of this. Then my thought process flicks back to him again. I wonder why he has abandoned me today. He doesn’t have much time and he can’t tell when I need him most. But then how could he, I don’t tend to tell him. I don’t tell anyone what I think.
Then I feel the ache for death in me again, in every part of me, I scan my young face in the mirror and hate what I can see. I miss Isaac.
I wash myself in the shower and wonder why no one ever kills themselves in the shower like they do in the bath. Then I remember that you die from drowning after you have lost consciousness, not the blood loss. I wet my fingers in the shower flow and start to write on the wall beside me, it doesn’t show but writing always seems to help. I write, ‘I need’ then stop, I don’t know what I need and so I continue washing my hair and thinking.
Then I write this.

I wish I could explain to people that I’m not trying to run away from life, I’m not unhappy with anything I have been given. I just have to leave. It’s not a choice anymore, was it ever my choice? I can’t remember ever thinking, maybe I shouldn’t have to live through my life, perhaps it would be easier if I just. Eventually I will die, I’ll be with Isaac. Then nothing else will matter, he can’t understand this. He thinks that if he loved me enough I wouldn’t want Isaac. He’s wrong.
I don’t think I can be with him anymore; I’m biding my time with him. I don’t want it to seem like I just can’t be with him anymore. I can’t love him; I mean who am I kidding? I can’t even talk to him anymore. I should go and revise now, for some exams I don’t want to live to take. Maybe I can die tonight. I want it more than anything else.

Wish me luck.

Later in my day, I feel a sting through my whole body, radiating from my heart and I want it, I miss him. I don’t know what to do, he isn’t good enough, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how wonderful he is to me. He’s just nothing and I can’t help it. Isaac. I know what I need, I need Isaac.

No one understands that I am dying, it’s just like someone who has cancer. I am ill, I’m ******* ill. Just kill me **** you. God just kill me. I hate you, I hate me. Isaac, ******* Isaac.