depressed help: I have been feeling very depressed for many years, but have hidden it, throughout high school, university and now in the work force.

Depressed83

I have been feeling very depressed for many years, but have hidden it, throughout high school, university and now in the work force.

I didn’t want to worry my parents and my friends, so I’ve kept these thoughts of suicide and ending my life to myself. I’ve contemplated killing myself many times and have come close (i.e. ready to jump off the balcony from 10+ floors, etc.) but at the last minute I just think about my parents and what they’ve sacrificed for me, and I stop and continue to endure my sadness alone. I went into a field of work which I thought was safe and did not do what my father wanted me to do for a career. I am miserable because I don’t like it, but have wasted my father’s hard-earned money to go to university and graduated and am really close to getting my professional designation.

Although I put on a happy face and am nice to everyone, such as my coworkers, etc. (who would never guess how I am truly feeling inside), I am dead inside and have no desire to continue to live. The only reason I continue to live is to make money for my parents, repay them, and hopefully get them a house and give them as comfortable a life as possible. I have no ambition or desires for myself.

I hate my work and it is another contributing factor to why I am so depressed — I stress, worry and have nightmares about it and just can’t take it anymore. For the sake of keeping my annonymity, its a type of “office job” that required a lot of studying and work to get qualified to do and many people want to do it, but I am miserable doing it.

I don’t want to change my career this late (I am in my mid-20s), as it would tremendously disappoint my parents, although I know they would be supportive of me, but I don’t want to put them through it. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this — doing this job and living life, which I don’t want to do anymore. I know how selfish this sounds but its how I am feeling and have felt for about 10 years now. I can’t just change careers and go through schooling again and I don’t want to do that. I just want to leave my parents all the money I’ve made to date and expire.

I haven’t seeked any professional help and am too embarrassed to do so. I am thinking about just ending my life. I don’t know why I have written this, but I guess its a last ditch effort to see if there is anything anyone can say to help me, even though I feel like it will be futile as I am so miserable and think I am probably beyond healing (although yes, nothing is probably beyond healing, but I feel like I have already made my decision to end my life, its just a matter of when I do it).

I guess what I’m asking for, is some annonymous support to help me continue on longer, so that I can provide for my parents a little bit more. I know it will hurt them when I choose to die, but I really can’t live life anymore and all the suffering. (I know, I am weak and a coward to say this, I know, I cannot ask for forgiveness for that.)

This open post was written 9 months ago | V/U/S: 387, 4, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Depressed83 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Depressed83 is a verified member, has been around for 9 months and has 1 posts and 0 replies to their name.

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HelpBot 5 #
San Francisco, CA, US | 9 months ago (0 minutes after post)

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the
Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and
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lauraj 1 #
An Unknown Location | 9 months ago (21 minutes after post)

I know this may sound totaly cliche, but I have found that if you can get in touch with your spiritual side, it really helps to push on in life. No it will not take away all the pain, get you a new job, or change your circumstances in life. But it has at least helped me to understand that we are not alone down here on Earth and if we want it, we can have direct access to a higher power, that loves us without measure and without condition. There are people out there that do this blessing called Deeksha, it is incredible!!! You should find a spiritual counselor to help you, you will probably be blown away from the things that you will feel. You sound like a good person, there is help out there for you and all of us who understand we all need it! Life is not so bad, but you have to learn to love and respect yourself first. There is nothing wrong with you! You deserve to be happy and have to create that for yourself. Your parents may have done things to help you in life and you want to do the same for them, but I doubt that they did that for you so that one day you could pay them back. Change your job! I’m in my mid 20’s and plan on going back to school for my masters, and completely change my life… Don’t worry about it! If you want to turn around and be a waitress for a little while, do it (I’m just making a point) No one will breath the air for you, eat for you, walk for you, live or die for you. It is you that is responsible for yourself and your life, so forget everyone else and be happy. When you take care of yourself and make yourself happy the people around you will be happy. You may not believe this but over time as you accomplish your own joy, you will see that those around you will be happy for you, and if they’re not, you don’t need them!! Take care of yourself! Look up Deeksha…

Lots of LOVE!!!

Atrophy 1 #
An Unknown Location | 9 months ago (1 hour, 6 minutes after post)

I know how you feel, I feel similar. I think you should really try finding someone to talk to- and don’t be too discouraged if the first person you talk to isn’t right. These people are trained to talk to people who are feeling like you are. There is no need to be embarressed because there is a lot of people who feel like you do. I also feel like it is my family holding me here, and I have always done what I thought to make them proud and tried to hide everything about how i really felt from them. But then it seems like both of us have ended up somewhere we don’t really want to be- just living for someone else.
But then you have to think, do you think your parents would want you to keep going the way you are feeling how you do? You have to change things- there is an entire world full of possibilities- maybe even just take a gap year, travel- work your way round. Do what you want to do because YOU want to do it. It is your life.

Do not give up. And do not feel weak or embarressed for getting help getting through it.

Good luck.

Help me with: exam!

SHa919555 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 1 week ago (7 months, 2 weeks after post)

I feel the same way. I am very unhappy in my marriagie. My husband is emotionally abusive. I was molested all through my childhood. I just hate life. I live a very comfortable life. i dont have to work. I have dogs. I have a big home. Money. but im very unhappy. I tried to kill myself not to long ago but it didnt work. All it did was make me tired and sleep all day. My husband isnt that bad. I have always been unhappy. But in the last year it has gotten terrible. I wish i knew what to say to help you but I cant even help myselft. I am in therapy and i also am in group threapy. that helps some. I tried valum for anxiety and it just made me worse. I feel dead inside. really just dead. My daughter keeps me going and my grandson. Not by this husband. I think im falling out of love with my husband., but i just dont know. When he talks to me, i block him out. I feel notthing. I am terrified to leave. but i know ill be likie this even if i leave or dont. Im a mess. I too try hard to hide it. I guess i do. i know my husband notices. All I really want to do is be under the covers all day long. Sorry for being so morose. Thanks for listening.

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depressed help: I have been feeling very depressed for many years, but have hidden it, throughout high school, university and now in the work force. - Help.com

I have been feeling very depressed for many years, but have hidden it, throughout high school, university and now in the work force.

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