Love help: My ex-boyfriend won’t date me again because he’s afraid of “hurting me.” Help! - Help.com



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My ex-boyfriend won’t date me again because he’s afraid of “hurting me.” Help!

My ex-boyfriend recently called me on Valentines Day (mind you we talk almost everyday as ‘just friends’), and I was really surprised that he asked me to be his Valentine — of course I said yes, I was beyond happy that he called and moreso that he asked ME to be his Valentine! I was really happy but I began to cry on the phone because I was reminded of how my last ex broke up with me on Valentines Day and also because it reminded me that I still love my ex-boyfriend and want to be with him. He got really upset (crying) and finally told me he couldn’t be with me because he didn’t want to hurt me again, that he hated to hurt me, and didn’t like to see me cry.

I don’t know what to do in this situation. I’ve told him that things are different now, we’ve both learned and grown from our mistakes and he still tells me he can’t. We’ve been involved with each other on and off (not dating) for the past 3 months and I’ve always told him I love him (until recently when I stopped), so he knows I do but I’m really confused. Recently he’s told me that there’s a girl he still really likes (which absolutely murdered me inside when he told me) and such, and I’m just wondering if he’s holding back completely from being with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me, or because he doesn’t want to walk away from her?

I really love him and care for him. We’ve been through a lot and I feel that our relationship in general has matured and we’ve learned more about each other than what we knew when we first dated, so I’d like to make a fresh start, especially if he really DOES mean it when he says “I love you”, and whatnot. Valentines Day is the first day in 3 months that my ex actually treated me like he used to, all affectionate, cutesy, etc. and then we got into an argument about dating again.. Everytime I find space to work with he tells me “No” and to “Please stop.”

So in the end I don’t know how to get with him again. I don’t want to force myself on him or make him feel like that, but I just feel that if he truly loves me and cares for me wouldn’t he want to be with me? He doesn’t want to hurt me, but I’ve made it clear to him that it’s hurting me far more that he’s NOT going out with me. What do I do? What can I say to him? He’s really upset with me because of the argument, too. I texted him a lot with some rather.. harsh things, so I feel kinda bad but at the same time I wish he would stop and see just how much I really love him.

So, bottom line is: Is he not dating me because of this or is it because of the other girl involved as well? If he loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me, why doesn’t he prevent this by just being with me? What can I do? I’m really at a loss for what I can do.

Oh, and on a sidenote I’ve TRIED moving on from my ex. We talk everyday but it was always on a friends-only basis and it’s just that the feelings have never gone away for him, and apparently, his feelings for me have never dimmed either, even though he’s hurt me in the past by saying he only loves me as a friend, etc. etc. I really just wanna be with him again! I hope I don’t sound desperate or pushy, I just wanna be able to show the man I love that I DO love him and that we CAN make it WITHOUT the so-called “hurt” that he’s mentioning (although I agree that all couples will have their rough patches). Please help!!

This open post was written 8 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 1,743, 6, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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nicolefleuri offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 3 weeks ago (25 minutes after post)

if a guy wants to be with you, nothing will stop him. my advice to you is to move on

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Anonymous #
8 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 41 minutes after post)

Honey, look, somebody’s gottta tell you the truth. He doesn’t want to be with you. You pushing and begging and asking all the time is bound to get annoying. he is going to get really angry at you one of these days and refuse to talk to you all together. Why not let him go. If he comes back he was always yours. If he never comes back, he never was. Go and find somebody that wants to be with you. This boy might also be mad that you send him nasty-grams. Don’t message mean things. It’s not going to want him to come back to you sooner.
Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need it at this point.
Good luck

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Anonymous #
8 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 42 minutes after post)

Sorry that line a was supposed to say “It’s not going to make him want to come back to you sooner.” my brain was going faster than I could type.

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loveyabunche offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 7 months, 1 week ago (1 month, 1 week after post)

three months….umm thats hardly a relationship.

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Anonymous #
7 months, 1 week ago (1 month, 1 week after post)

“Don’t message mean things. It’s not going to want him to come back to you sooner.”
*It’s not going to make him want to come back to you sooner*

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cpete offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (4 months, 1 week after post)

I’ve dealt with a similar situation before, and it can work out. First, it depends on what he did to “hurt” you the last time. Assuming he didn’t cheat or physically or emotionally abuse you, there is no reason not to see him again if that’s what you want.
That said, that line about not wanting to hurt you again may be true, but it’s pure crap. If he wanted to be with you again, he would find a way to be with you. Allow him to make the moves, such as on Valentine’s Day. Instead of texting and calling him, make it clear that you will no longer be the only one to work for this relationship by waiting for him to put forth effort as well. It is important for him to realize that he needs you just as much as you need him. If he ultimately doesn’t, then you have your answer, and you both need to move on. If that is the case, do yourself a favor and stop talking to him daily and give yourself a chance to get over him.
On a final note, the girl he mentioned may just be a way to make you jealous if he wants you back. The key is that if the other girl is real, DO NOT let him play with your heart by seeing the two of you at once. It does both of you a disservice. If he truly loves you, he will not move on that quickly to someone else.
In the end, honesty is necessary. If you are honest with him, and most importantly with yourself, you will know how to proceed. Good luck.

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