social anxiety help: I have a fear of people, among other fears.

Celcius

I have a fear of people, among other fears.

I can barley get near someone that hasn’t said hello, etc, to me for about ten times, and I end up going into panic attacks when I do get near them. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. I’ve had only about two real friends in my life. I’ve lost most of the fun in my child hood because of this fear also. Strangely I become afraid of going places alone, even if it’s a solitude area, so I end up forcing myself to either stay near someone that I know at least a little or stay at home in my room. At the same time if I haven’t been around that person a lot (and I mean a lot) I’m usually scared of that person as well, wishing I could just go to my room. An event of me being outside of my room for an occasion other then school has barley happened since I moved seven years ago. I’ve had little interaction with people for a long time, this, by the way, includes my parents, who are usually at home when I get back from school. I know quite a few people at school, but only one person that hasn’t (I believe) tried to hurt me in some way, such as punching me, etc(though this doesn’t happen much, except for one child), or insulting me, etc. The person that doesn’t do any of this ended up being a drug seller, who’s attempted to sell me drugs before. I sit with two people at lunch time and one of them likes to punch me until I’m numb, and then insults me. I’d sit by myself but there’s no where else to sit usually and for some reason I’m afraid of being alone. I’ve had few conversations in the past seven years with anyone, and It’d probably be lucky if I say 20 words a day. I recently started to talk a tiny bit more, the only thing coming out of my mouth being jokes, and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to talk a bit. Every so often I’ll be saying something and I’ll just randomly say some random sounds in place of a word, then I say the word again and have no problems. On top of everything, people don’t call me by my first name anymore, which is Richard, but they call me “Big ****” as **** is another name for Richard and big because I am overweight. When I’m not at school or home, which hasn’t happened for a long time, I become very fearful of everyone around me, and am forced to stick close to my parents because I’m so afraid. I eventually turned to talking to people online, and I did acquire some friends that I liked to talk to, and even started to become really trusting of one in particular, so I started to open up a bit more, and eventually because of this the friend left me and I ended up hurt bad. That friend was and still a bit is, the only one that I ever trusted that much and made me want to get “better”. Now without that person I feel even more empty that I started out with. If things don’t start to change soon for me then I’ll soon stop feeling the last bit of motivation my ex-friend(who I still care about) left behind and I may end up totally isolating myself off(if that’s possible, as now without this friend I’ve started to realize at school when people are hurting me, which I was trying hard not to, and now I’m staying away from everyone(though this could be a good thing as I’m not getting hurt as much)).

Anyway, I’d like to be able to talk to people, gain friends, keep them, go to places, and not be afraid all the time. Also there’s little chance of me ever going to see a professional or talking with my parents(I can’t remember ever having a conversation with them, at least for ten years, and on top of that my father insults me sometimes even worse then the people at school, telling me that I’m worthless, etc.), and I have no friends anymore to talk anything through with. I know that my parents will eventually find out if I seek help as well, and they’ll make things worse for me, such as taking away my computer, which is the only thing I have left. Also I freeze up just asking my parents anything, and there’s usually few reasons for me to go outside my room, so if I’m out of there for awhile my parents usually figure out what I want/need before I get a chance to say anything(I try to say something for about an hour).

It goes a bit further then all of this, but I know the main answer would be “You need professional help, stat!” and that won’t happen.

Also, I decided to do this at 2:00AM so sorry if things are hard to understand, I usually end up thinking about everything at night time and not getting sleep(I fall asleep during one of my study halls everyday, once I even missed 40mins of the next class).

Also, for comparison purposes, if you’ve ever watched the anime “Welcome to the N.H.K”, I have similarities to the main character, or possibly the online game money selling person (and I know comparing myself to a fictional character sounds weird but I am quite similar and I know there are a lot of people out there that like anime)

Thank you for your time, this helped cool my head off so I may be able to get a tiny bit of sleep tonight (about three hours, which is usual it seems)

And again sorry for any grammar mistakes, etc.

On top of that sorry, I’d like to apologize for the length of things, I seem to have a lot on my mind

This open post was written 9 months ago | V/U/S: 276, 4, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Celcius may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Celcius is a verified member, has been around for 9 months and has 1 posts and 0 replies to their name.

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fear of people, social anxiety (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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raplin 24 #
An Unknown Location | 9 months ago (18 minutes after post)

sounds that the problem could stem back to your father and i might be out of place saying that but saying how your father is with you insults etc deserves more in your post than just a line or 2 because probably that is the cause for your problem.it basically comes down to confidence issues.the worst thing i think you could do is stay away from everyone.you have to be around people.but the right kind of people.when they call you **** is it in an insulting way or just because your names richard.you have to determine and try to figure out how people see you.not just physically but everything.did your exfriend dissapear because you came on too strong.??these are thing you have to figure out.take a look at yourself from an outside point of view if you know what i mean.try to see yourself as other people see you.if you have problems with people at school or in your local town…go to another town and hang around.go for a coffee,go to the library.whatever you feel like.if someone smiles…smile back…you would be surprised just how good smiling can make you feel and just how much it can open up a connection between two people.if someone says hello say hi back.try to initiate conversation.whats the worst that can happen???keep telling yourself this,over and over in your head repeat it.because really…the worst thing that can possibly happen is the person ignores or shuns you….big deal.its not going to kill you.it will make you stronger.
i feel like im going on and on now lol.
hope you can take something from what i say and put it to use in some way it will help you. :)

Help me with: when working in 3d max 9 i cant seem to find how to show the lines i am working with…maybe that doesnt help http://www.3dtotal.com//team/Tutorials/fiat500/fiat500_m03.php

yerrey #
An Unknown Location | 9 months ago (38 minutes after post)

Hey man I completely understand how you feel. I got shivers reading your post because it reminded me of me. it is even a coincidence that my name is Richard too. I have also isolated myself from cruel people in the world but now i am just sad and lonely. I never had friends in elementary school, in middle school i had one that would kick me in the shins on a daily basis; and he would even put nails and spikes through the toes in his shoes so i would bruise and bleed more, isnt it horrible that I would consider this a friend? but your right when you have literally no one else no family no friends what else can you do. i went to a high school in a different school system and thought i actually made some really cool good friends and felt happy for the first time in my life, but eventually they all turned on me and i felt so much worse after id wished theyd never come into my life. i dont trust a single person in this world anymore. I feel more suicidal as time goes on. I really dont even know why im still here. I (as well as you) probably need professional help, but I know its very hard to get some when no one really gives a **** about you to help you get it. If you see this reply and feel like talkin get back to me

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safran #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (4 months, 2 weeks after post)

Your story sounds like mine.

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safran #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (4 months, 2 weeks after post)

I’ve been studying the works of Alice Miller(http://www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php) and Jean Jenson(Reclaiming Your Life) and found them very helpful. Basically, what they say is that there aren’t easy answers, you have to get to the root of the problem and realize that people do things usually for logical reasons, it’s just that the logic isn’t always clear to the conscious mind. If you’ve been subjected to ridicule and betrayal from your family from many years, then it seems perfectly logical to your subconscious mind that if your family could do that to you, and hurt you that much, what will strangers do? It concludes that people in general must be dangerous and causes you to be afraid of people because it’s trying to protect you from taking more emotional damage than you can handle. It’s like the way white blood cells identify vaccines as dangerous and protect you from the disease ever after.

The only way to turn off your mind’s automatic defensive systems is to number 1, get yourself in a safer place emotionally so you don’t have to spend so much emotional resources absorbing the damage from negative comments/feedback. That might mean being alone more temporarily, perhaps for a year or more. I would suggest finding an apartment with a very quiet or nonexistent roommate where you can just be alone without feeling shamed by other people for it. Find a job or school where people are mellow and you can have a lot of quiet time working by yourself a lot. Then start stage 2, absorb the damage that people did to you for years in hurting you so much that you became afraid of all people. Feel your feelings and don’t set any limits on how long you’re allowed to cry, human emotions are very strong and they must be either felt or they will control you without you even realizing it. Go back in time, remember how people treated you, feel how that felt, tell them in your mind how much that hurt you, and tell them it was wrong of them to do that. It doesn’t matter if you were clumsy or socially inadequate. The right thing to do is to treat everyone with respect, that’s what kind, civilized people do, and your friends and family did wrong by treating you badly because you couldn’t be as good about social things as they were. It’s no less cruel than mocking someone because they’re lame and can’t run like everyone else can. I thought everyone was critical like that until I went out on my own away from the family and community I grew up with and found that many people in the world are very nice and kind even when you aren’t perfect socially. It’s been so nice to finally be treated with a decent amount of respect.

Stage 3, as you feel safe and treated well where you work and where you live and start absorbing emotions from the past, and letting yourself be alone as much as you want, even 95% of the time, without feeling guilt about it, you’ll start wanting to be with people a little more. You’ll have enough of being alone at some point and want to be with people 10% of the time instead of 5% of the time. Let yourself ease into a social life without forcing yourself, let it happen naturally as you feel able to do it without feeling on edge and fearful. It’s the natural desire of human beings to seek companionship, so if you don’t force it, that desire will overcome your fear as your fear gradually gets smaller as you feel the emotions of the past that are generating the fear.

I tried following other people’s plans and doing what therapists said, but I finally found that the answers had to come from me and finding people like Alice Miller who have basic common sense about emotions and how fears are created in childhood and can be healed. Be very kind to yourself, you’re not alone. I love the night time too. Lately I realized it was because it was the one time that I felt safe growing up because my family was asleep at night. Try listening to EMDR music and drinking herbal tea and writing about your emotions, it’s really soothing and healing.

I've been studying the works of Alice Miller(http://www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php) and Jean Jenson(Reclaiming Your Life) and found them very helpful. Basically, what they say is that there aren't easy answers, you have to get to the root of the problem and realize that people do things usually for logical reasons, it's just that the logic isn't always clear to the conscious mind. If you've been subjected to ridicule and betrayal from your family from many years, then it seems perfectly logical to your subconscious mind that if your family could do that to you, and hurt you that much, what will strangers do? It concludes that people in general must be dangerous and causes you to be afraid of people because it's trying to protect you from taking more emotional damage than you can handle. It's like the way white blood cells identify vaccines as dangerous and protect you from the disease ever after.

The only way to turn off your mind's automatic defensive systems is to number 1, get yourself in a safer place emotionally so you don't have to spend so much emotional resources absorbing the damage from negative comments/feedback. That might mean being alone more temporarily, perhaps for a year or more. I would suggest finding an apartment with a very quiet or nonexistent roommate where you can just be alone without feeling shamed by other people for it. Find a job or school where people are mellow and you can have a lot of quiet time working by yourself a lot. Then start stage 2, absorb the damage that people did to you for years in hurting you so much that you became afraid of all people. Feel your feelings and don't set any limits on how long you're allowed to cry, human emotions are very strong and they must be either felt or they will control you without you even realizing it. Go back in time, remember how people treated you, feel how that felt, tell them in your mind how much that hurt you, and tell them it was wrong of them to do that. It doesn't matter if you were clumsy or socially inadequate. The right thing to do is to treat everyone with respect, that's what kind, civilized people do, and your friends and family did wrong by treating you badly because you couldn't be as good about social things as they were. It's no less cruel than mocking someone because they're lame and can't run like everyone else can. I thought everyone was critical like that until I went out on my own away from the family and community I grew up with and found that many people in the world are very nice and kind even when you aren't perfect socially. It's been so nice to finally be treated with a decent amount of respect.

Stage 3, as you feel safe and treated well where you work and where you live and start absorbing emotions from the past, and letting yourself be alone as much as you want, even 95% of the time, without feeling guilt about it, you'll start wanting to be with people a little more. You'll have enough of being alone at some point and want to be with people 10% of the time instead of 5% of the time. Let yourself ease into a social life without forcing yourself, let it happen naturally as you feel able to do it without feeling on edge and fearful. It's the natural desire of human beings to seek companionship, so if you don't force it, that desire will overcome your fear as your fear gradually gets smaller as you feel the emotions of the past that are generating the fear.

I tried following other people's plans and doing what therapists said, but I finally found that the answers had to come from me and finding people like Alice Miller who have basic common sense about emotions and how fears are created in childhood and can be healed. Be very kind to yourself, you're not alone. I love the night time too. Lately I realized it was because it was the one time that I felt safe growing up because my family was asleep at night. Try listening to EMDR music and drinking herbal tea and writing about your emotions, it's really soothing and healing.

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