Emotion help: I honesty feel like I’m going insane. - Help.com

I honesty feel like I’m going insane.

To fully understand my reasoning, I should explain something to you. I don’t have a lot of family, and trust me, I was born with about a million people around. My grandfather on my mom’s side died before I was born and I was always supposed to be the golden child for “Russell Glenn” (I was named after his childhood friend that died). My uncle died 20 years before that, but my Mom was never the same. Her family was psychotic (to put it lightly seeing as her mom let my grandfather die quite painfully) so we parted ways with nearly everyone. Then I tell Mom when I am five that I want to know my great grand parents (Grandpa Russ’s parents). Mom reconciles with them and I meet Grandma Monnie and Grandpa Edford. About four months into thrice weekly visits, daily phone calls, and random craft projects sent out, my new favorite person in the world, Eddie, died. First real death I ever knew.

Then about a year after that I was visiting my Aunt Mary in the hospital when she coded. First death I ever witnesses. Uncle Sherman died six months after. About a year later, my babysitter dies unexpectedly (heart attack) and my “adoptive grandmother”, Sue, takes her mom out of the nursing home and the day we bring her back to Sue’s house, she has a stroke. She was OK, didn’t die for about another four years (by then she was a vegetable and we had pretty much mourned the loss).

Two years later, my Grandma Monnie suddenly passes. That was the first time I ever got scared that I was used to people dying around me. That same year, my neighbor was put into a nursing home and died less than a week later. When I was 13, I lost both of my grandparents on my Dad’s side. One to heart failure and the other to her diabetes. The rest of the aunts and uncles pretty much dispersed after that. By 14, “Grandma Sue” shacked up with her new girlfriend and dropped all contact with me, mom, dad, everyone. The last time we talked I tried to make small talk and she told me she didn’t have time to talk, she needed mom’s help to fix her computer. That was after three years of not talking to us. Hell of a hello, eh?

That next year was the worst for me. Two days after Jon’s death I found out about it. I also discovered he was in Ohio and a 40 minute drive from me for those past 7 months (OK, actually a little under) before going home to visit his family and returning to his apartment where he hung himself. I fell into a ear and a half of a major depressive episode that didn’t start turning around until a failed suicide attempt. I researched ways to help get over depression and found a lack of drugs, booze, etc to be a big thing (not hard as I didn’t do those things) as well as vegetarianism having helped others. I figured I’d give it a shot.

The next year was just me trying to find my center, get over the abuse as a child, forgive my father, see that it wasn’t really him that was doing and saying those things, and trying to forgive my mother for not caring (come to find out earlier this year that she thought it was simple verbal abuse and to the day has no clue that he was also physically abusive)

After that was finding out my ex boyfriend and first real friend, Josh Cain was in his own depressive episode, meeting my future first love that would drive my love life into the ground, and subsequently ruin my friendship with Jacob (probably a good thing as Jake was jealous of anyone that had a significant other to the point of hostility)

Now I loose my surrogate grandfather that I was very close to. What scared me more than anything is that though I am grieving, I am so used to death, mourning, depression, what have you, that I can’t find it in me to really feel the pain. I am so numbed that I am worried to death I’ve become a hardened *****. Sure, I cried when I found out, but does that make me a horrible person that I don’t feel it now?

When his funeral came around, Mom has asked me to not go and I have to wonder, does she see me as a ***** too? I got my answer when she told me that I was a bad daughter. She gave me list of reasons so I’m working on being more supportive, despite a lack of support in return, in hopes to make things better. When she told me, you would think I’d be angry, upset, saddened, what have you, and I remember thinking I should be then, but I simply felt nothing. I wasn’t accepting, happy, sad, nothing at all.

Three days ago, my cat, Osirus, whom I nursed to health from a kitten, trained to talk as well as basic commands, and loved like a son, died suddenly. He had a tumor that we couldn’t get checked out properly due to an extreme lack of money. It perforated and he bled out, dying within hours of the initial perforation. Again, I really feel nothing. What is wrong with me that I can’t feel?

Can anyone help me understand what is happening?

This open post was written 9 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 886, 7, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Numb, Grief, Emotion (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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