Unstable?
I hate leaving the house. I don’t like being around people. I CAN get on with them with effort, but I rarely feel like trying. I’ve skipped a lot of work days lately because I can’t stand being around them. Also I don’t enjoy my job any more. There is nothing else I want to do. I don’t really care about myself and emotions don’t sink into me the way they used to. I take prozac. I thought it was helping me because I wanted them to stop myself from being so anxious around people. That worked, but I’ve come to see it wasn’t my biggest problem. I hate living. But I’d rather find something worth living for than die - I just can’t imagine such a thing existing though. I’m nearly 21 and I don’t care to become it.
A few years back, I had a mad theory that got me through. I was quite convinced I was living some sort of Truman Show life and that all my life had been set up for me and I had no choice in any of it. That it was scripted and I was being watched. I look back on it now as a coping mechanism, but I’m not sure I didn’t just stop believing it because I figured they’d (always called as such, whoever I imagined they were) would have been more creative in my story…right?
My uncle had schizophrenia. I feel that is important to say.
I tried to kill myself few years ago and failed a couple of times. But I guess it must have been half-hearted coz if I wanted it for real, I wouldn’t be here - right? I dunno why I did it coz it wasn’t the attention seeking plot - only best mate knew about it and I kept it quiet and had attempted in such a way that people would only have found out if I ever told them or if I had succeeded (i.e I gave nobody any option to stop me).
I spend most of my time in my room. I used to go out more..but I dunno, I stopped.
I have no ambitions, no direction, no positivity. I’m almost numb. I dwell on the past and mope in my present and my future is a gaping abyss of uncertainty and …nothing.
What on earth is wrong with me? Would anti-psychotics medication help do you think?
This open post was written 9 months ago | V/U/S: 110, 5, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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Since writing this post SN Auricular may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. SN Auricular is a verified member, has been around for 9 months, 4 weeks and has 39 posts and 6 replies to their name.
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