life help: The truth and nothing but the ****ing truth

yassengregorovich

The truth and nothing but the ****ing truth

I hate the truth. The truth is that I have an awesome life, tons of potential, and tons of potential friends. The truth is that I’m lucky, I’ve seen the world, lived on three different continents in seven different countries. The truth is that I should be happy. The truth is that I shouldn’t be sitting here in my room crying. The truth is that I have no friends. The truth is that I am addicted to pity and can’t stop. The truth is that I should be going clubbing with friends, have a girlfriend, and realize my potential.

The truth is… that I am miserable. That I hate my life. That I can’t stand myself. That I have no friends. That I like a girl but I can’t express myself. That no one really cares. That I want to overcome this ever so desperately but I can’t see the answer. It’s a beautiful day with clear blue skies and yet I sit inside trying to figure things out. The truth is that I’m a sloth. That all my potential is wasted. That I have the feeling that I’m going to die of shame. That no one accepts me for who I am.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I should be old enough to handle myself by now. But who cares anyway. Everyone is out dancing tonight. And I’m the only one who is too afraid to go out. The one who is too stupid to enjoy life. I don’t want to go on, yet I know that I have to. I need to break through this brick wall of sadness. I’ve broken through it so many times. But my brain seems to be wired for depression. My life is a string of wasted chances, wasted opportunities and wasted days.

I don’t want to die, yet I don’t want to live either. I’m a ghost in midst of a crowd. I look up at the stars some nights and start to think that it was all in vain. For what am I fighting? Are the ideals I believe in real? Love, hate, friendship, loyality, bitterness, truth, lies… Is any of it real? I just hope I wake from this dream of self-delusion and somehow find out that this isn’t real. That I am able to use my potential. That there is hope. But even the notion of hope is an ideal which I question. Well… you know what they say… hope dies last. I’m disgusted of myself.

I don’t know what to do any more. Time and hope run away like sand through my fingers. All those memories of the meaningless things I’ve done. The youth which I’ve wasted away building a pile of knowledge that is completely useless whilst others built piles of wisdom and relationships.

WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL??? Why am I always the weird person? God. Conforming to stereotypes because others want me to. Bloody hell. And now I’m spending yet another weekend alone here in my room, staring at the monitor writing a post to people I don’t know and will probably never see or hear from again. This emptiness is killing me. But no one tells me what’s wrong with me. Everyone keeps smiling, saying I’m okay. These patronizing looks are too much to bear. I’m going to break eventually. I can’t stand this anymore. I need help.

This open post was written 8 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 145, 20, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post yassengregorovich may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. yassengregorovich is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 9 months and has 44 posts and 354 replies to their name.

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Meow... 214 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (5 minutes after post)

Normal does not exist. The truth is that you need someone who would understand you, a friend. You have to get over those ideas and do something. Whenever I have those ideas I try and find someone to talk to…

Help me with: Cursing.

yassengregorovich 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (8 minutes after post)

Miiau wrote:
Normal does not exist. The truth is that you need someone who would understand you, a friend. You have to get over those ideas and do something. Whenever I have those ideas I try and find someone to talk to…

Thanks. I don’t have any real friends though. Just buddies. Most of which couldn’t care less about my problems :( Which is why I’m putting it into writing here.

Help me with: All lonely :(

Shepherd 1 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (9 minutes after post)

What are you afraid of?

Help me with: Just wanted to say congratulations to Ireland Rugby for winning the grand slam after a 61 year wait over the weekend!

Meow... 214 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (11 minutes after post)

yassengregorovich wrote:

Miiau wrote:
Normal does not exist. The truth is that you need someone who would understand you, a friend. You have to get over those ideas and do something. Whenever I have those ideas I try and find someone to talk to…

Thanks. I don’t have any real friends though. Just buddies. Most of which couldn’t care less about my problems :( Which is why I’m putting it into writing here.

I do that too. If it wouldnt be midnight here Id stay and chat… I can only stay awake for 15 more minutes. Im sure someone will talk to you though.
I never talk to friends who know me if I have questions like that - maybe its just me, but I just cant. I hope you will find a friend here!

Help me with: Cursing.

yassengregorovich 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (12 minutes after post)

Shepherd wrote:
What are you afraid of?

Me standing alone in the corner because everyone thinks I’m some abnormal freak.

Help me with: All lonely :(

Shepherd 1 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (15 minutes after post)

On your many travels, I’m sure you’ve met many people; has that fear ever become reality?

Help me with: Just wanted to say congratulations to Ireland Rugby for winning the grand slam after a 61 year wait over the weekend!

yassengregorovich 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (20 minutes after post)

Shepherd wrote:
On your many travels, I’m sure you’ve met many people; has that fear ever become reality?

More times than you can imagine.

Help me with: All lonely :(

This reply has been removed.

Florie's Gonna Bite 25 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (28 minutes after post)

We are all freaks. :)
We are all perfect.

Help me with: Incredibly, stupidly slow!

Shepherd 1 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (29 minutes after post)

Are you sure? It seems to me that you’ve convinced yourself over the years that you do not fit the paradigm of ‘normal’, and even though you appear to be an intelligent person to me, the fact that ‘normal’ is relative seems to have eluded you.

Because of this personal subconscious axiom, you actively expect other people to believe you’re an ‘abnormal freak’. So wheather you intend to or not, you completely refuse to connect with people on any meaningful level and interperate your own self-sabotage as a manifestation of your fear. You’ve created your own vicious circle.

Whats real is what you feel. Whats real is what you do with your short time alive, and such a short time it is. Whats real, whats normal is relative. My interests will be different to yours; how I conduct myself is different - but it is my normal behaviour. If you were exactly the same, if we all fit your concept of ‘normal’, THEN there wouldn’t be a point to living.

Help me with: Just wanted to say congratulations to Ireland Rugby for winning the grand slam after a 61 year wait over the weekend!

Florie's Gonna Bite 25 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (29 minutes after post)

The primordial question: “What’s wrong with me?”

Help me with: Incredibly, stupidly slow!

This reply has been removed.

Anonymous #
8 months, 1 week ago (35 minutes after post)

I only have one answer for you… I speak from my own experience in battling with depression and night after night wishing that maybe I would die in my sleep and never wake up… in desperation I prayed to God… I had studied the Bible and heard the Bible taught in the past… I read it and studied it trying to find answers… finally one day I went to my bathroom and filled my bathtub with water and sat down to read some more of the Bible… I wasn’t going to do anything else that day until I found the answer I needed… at some point while reading the New Testament I knew what to do… I got in the bathtub of water and immersed into… just baptized in and out in the Name of Jesus and believed I was given a new life and a fresh chance… since that time it has been far from easy at times… but I have always had peace and things continue to work themselves out for me… I have meaning and hope in my life… I am taking things a day and a step at a time as I can… that was just over a year and 5 months ago… I even have a fiance now… I hope this helps… maybe its not for you but it definitely is working for me.

Whatever you do please do your best to think about six things a day that are positive in your life no matter how small… even if its just for food and shelter… and healthy body etc… this will help to take your heart and mind in the right direction away from the self pity which can be so addictive.

Please know there are people who do care, on this site and everywhere, sometimes we think no one cares and our friends may be busy with other things but there are plenty of people in the world who care.

I wish you all the best!!!

This reply has been removed.

fractal.scatter 266 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (37 minutes after post)

Yeah I’m not normal at all. It’s good though I guess.
The authorities don’t think so though sometimes :/

Help me with: :(

This reply has been removed.

fractal.scatter 266 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (41 minutes after post)

Yeah, you’re normal for you. And is your avatar Jeremy Clarkson driving through a brick wall?

Help me with: :(

FurryPheeGee 67 #
An Unknown Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (49 minutes after post)

fractal.scatter wrote:
Yeah, you’re normal for you. And is your avatar Jeremy Clarkson driving through a brick wall?

That is just what I was thinking! Is it?

Help me with: Thank you

yassengregorovich 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (14 hours, 14 minutes after post)

Shepherd wrote:
Because of this personal subconscious axiom, you actively expect other people to believe you’re an ‘abnormal freak’. So wheather you intend to or not, you completely refuse to connect with people on any meaningful level and interperate your own self-sabotage as a manifestation of your fear. You’ve created your own vicious circle.

Great :(. The question is… how do I get out of it. Now that everyone is sure that I am some shallow person :(.

Anonymous wrote:
I only have one answer for you… I speak from my own experience in battling with depression and night after night wishing that maybe I would die in my sleep and never wake up… in desperation I prayed to God… I had studied the Bible and heard the Bible taught in the past… I read it and studied it trying to find answers… finally one day I went to my bathroom and filled my bathtub with water and sat down to read some more of the Bible… I wasn’t going to do anything else that day until I found the answer I needed… at some point while reading the New Testament I knew what to do…

Been there, done that. No luck :( And all of Solomon’s wisdom couldn’t help the self-proclaimed “freak” become “normal”.

Help me with: All lonely :(

yassengregorovich 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months, 1 week ago (14 hours, 18 minutes after post)

PheeGee wrote:
That is just what I was thinking! Is it?

No idea. It’s supposed to represent me driving through all those “brick walls”. A reference to Randy Pausch’s “brick walls”. This issue seems to be the only brick wall I can’t get through, no matter how heavy the truck is :S

Help me with: All lonely :(

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The truth and nothing but the ****ing truth

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