This post left anonymously
I am losing it.
Im not very old, but I can already see how bland my future is going to be. Ive never had a boyfriend, and that doesn’t always bother me. Ive had guy friends, and sometimes Id rather be alone. But I don’t have any real friends to lean on. Worse than that, I have too many “fake friends.” These are women who only keep me around so they have someone to ***** and moan to. But when it comes to my problems forget it. They don’t care. Ive even mentioned to my friends and family how depressed Ive gotten the last few months, and they act as if I never said anything. Even if I showed signs of being depressed (ex. cutting myself) they would send me straight to the mental hospital and spend the next few weeks talking about me behind my back instead of being concerned about me or trying to help me. Now Im not crazy I would never do that. I would never hurt myself. My family isn’t much to rely on either. My mother is the only person in the world that I know loves me. The only one. My extended family doesn’t usually want anything to do with me, since I was 13. My family knows how to hold a grudge and they do, even my grandma. My mom is probably the one person Im closest to. And she’s a strong person, but shes not good with the big bad serious situtations. My dad is dead. I moved out when I turned 21, and Im almost 23. I expected when I moved out, to be able to make new friendships, and date more, I have yet to. Its not for lack of trying either. I didn’t always think of myself as a pretty person, it wasn’t because I was one of those girls who hate their body, I’m just being honest. But I got my teeth fixed, hair done, new glasses and most of the time I know Im pretty. Ive had some trouble losing weight, and I know I could afford to drop a good 50 pounds, but most days Im good. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. They seem so hard. My biggest problem is loneliness. If I just had one thing to hold onto, Id feel so much better. But Im having a hard time picturing me finding someone. I can be alone now and survive, I just dont want to die alone. Right now Im spending 34 to 40 hours a week working in one of the most stressful jobs in the world. The least stressed person in the world, would get stressed. I work at a MRDD facility. Meaning I work with mentally retarded persons of all ages. Second shift feeds them, cleans them, and puts them to bed. It takes a lot of patience, and even more dealing with the employees. Seventy female employees in one place, tempers run high. Over the year Ive been there I learned quickly that I have to stand up for myself, and Ive done so. I usually work with everyone pretty well. But in December I was demoted (which was actually ok with me) but they also threatened my job. I got 5 write-ups in one year and to them I deserved to be threatened. One more and I get fired. Okay, what about the many other employees that have dozens of write-ups. I am a very professional person. Im not perfect but I respect my co-workers and get my job done right. It sucks because I have a associates in business management and can’t do anything with it. But Ive never heard any employer or otherwise say that to me. So I spend some more of my time worrying about keeping my job, and trying to pay my bills of what little they pay me, its not like I can get a new one with the economy like it is. And lastly I spend the rest of my time trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Not mentally, thatd take me too many doctors. But physically Im sick. My co-workers think it might be diabetes or something. I have had magraine headaches for 4 almost 5 years. About a year before I got my teeth fixed I had killer earaches, and they never went away like they were suppose to, so I’ve had them for over 2 years. I get dizzy a lot. I also have high blood pressure. Mostly I just want the earaches to stop, when Im not working, 9 times out of 10 Im in my chair, practically stuck because Im in so much pain I dont want to move. Basically it boils down to me, at 22, knowing this is it. At lower middle class I will probably be stuck in this crappy job, or a similar crappy job for the rest of your life, and always working my *** off to pay my bills. I chose not to have a roommate because I find it hard to trust people, making my bills about $1300 a month. With only myself to rely on. At 34 hours a week 8.25 an hour. It just dont cut it. You know, I believe in God. I pray for myself, and others. I thank him when something goes right. Although its been a while and usually backfires. And Im asking him for help now, I know I wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want me to be. I just hope its worth it, or Im going to be pissed. But sometimes its hard to even hold onto Him. I need a rock, Im tired of being everybody elses. So whens my turn?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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