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Umm hi.
This is a bit of a big problem…therapist-worthy, actually. But I just can’t do that.
So basically I am terrified out of my wits about my stepfather. He’s been a good dad–he was basically my bio father. But I can’t help hating him a little bit…
Years and years ago, he started touching me. I was little and I didn’t know what was happening–that’s what I told myself–still tell myself. He apologized each time he did it, but would do it again. He’d come to my bed–nights terrified me, and I hated having my own room. I even asked to share a room with my sisters, which seemed weird at the time. One time he asked if I wanted him to make love to me. I said no immediately. But he didn’t go away. I couldn’t make him.
Then it was the words. He’d talk to me about things I wasn’t comfortable with…sex, mostly. But I didn’t stop him then either. He’d compliment me too personally. Say things that made me so mad…so dirty. I wanted to kill either myself or him. Obviously I didn’t.
He’s done lots of things, none of them too recent, but I can’t help worrying that he’ll have a relapse, as I call it. One year he and my mother thought of going to Europe with me for my birthday (it didn’t happen) and he wanted me to choose which of them I wanted with me. I was terrified that my mother didn’t want to go–when I talked to her about it, she didn’t seem thrilled. He told me that if he took me, he’d ‘wine me and dine me’ and romance me. I wanted to throw up.
I don’t think it’s fair that it’s me he wants. I have other sisters–I would NEVER wish this on any of them, but I feel so dirty.
We told my mom a year or so ago–I made him tell her after I got into trouble about a boy. (Another story, soon) He didn’t want to–said she might leave him and more junk about how he couldn’t hurt her or my siblings like that. But he did tell her. And she cried and was mad, but she told me it wasn’t ME he wanted. She said he had made a mistake, he thought it was her–I think he had only told her about one time, in a hotel when we had all stayed and he just hugged me in his sleep, and it was biased. But when I wanted to explain to her, she dropped the bomb. She said if I wanted it, she would pack up me and my sisters and we’d leave him. I almost hated her for that. Why would she put that on me? I keep wondering that. She thought it was her fault–that she hadn’t protected me. I broke my own heart when I lied to her. I told her that I was fine, and there was nothing really to protect me from. I said that I only wanted her to know, to clear the air. That’s the last she’s heard of it, I think. I hated that decision. I didn’t want to hurt her or my sisters at all. But I think that was one of the worst decisions of my life.
His most recent relapse was November. He said something sickening to me–about how desireable I looked in the outfit I was going to wear out with the family and how he wanted me. I got mad and walked away, went to my room and closed the door. I shoved a chair under the doorknob too–my only lock. But he came in and basically told me that it was my fault, dressing the way I was, and pretty much parading myself in front of him. I’m not allowed to wear a certain nightgown anymore.
That last time really made me think. Why was this happening to me? Was I being too revealing? Was I a ****? I dressed much more modest than my older sister did when she was my age. I don’t know why it was me.
It’s been about 4 months to the day since that day. He compliments me, and hugs me like a father. But each time I just want to get away. I feel like this was my fault–that me not saying NO all those years ago made this go further. I feel dirty. I want to scream or cry–I have cried numerous times. I’m scared.
He never went further than touching, but sometimes it’s like I can feel it. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to hug him or be near him. Or pretend that I’m fine. It’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to do this! It’s his mess, and I think I’m the one suffering from it. I can’t stand people touching me or getting close to me. Everytime he touches me, I want to shy away or just run as fast as I can. But he gets defensive when I walk away. I don’t think I can pretend anymore, and I can’t talk to him or my mother about this. I’ve thought about emailing one of them, but this would seem so out of the blue. It’s been months and I’m not back to normal.
The one consolation is I’ll be leaving in 6 months. But when he thinks about it and tells me how much he’ll miss me, what am I supposed to say? ‘oh, I’ll miss you too, though you’ve ruined my life and made me consider suicide on more than one occasion.’ I’m working on noncommital answers, so I don’t do anything to screw up this remission.
What scares me the absolute most, though, is the fact that I think I might have liked it.
This open post was written 8 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 95, 3, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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