I’ve been having dangerous thoughts lately.
Frequently I’ve been thinking about death and violence. If I see a high ledge, I think about jumping off of it. If I see pills, I think about overdosing. If I see sharp objects, I think about slitting my wrists. I have a couple “favorite” knives that I’ve always imagined would be the ones I’d use. I try to steer clear of them.
It gets worse. I picture myself pushing someone down the stairs, then diving after them. Tearing them to pieces with my teeth. I imagine grabbing my friend, hurling her to the ground, and stomping on her neck. I always go for the throat. These things frighten me - I’ve always been the type who literally would never hurt a fly. (I feel sorry for the fly.)
I am currently on medication for depression. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for going on two years, and they still don’t know what’s going on in my head. A whole host of problems, no doubt. They’re useless, the lot of them. Not only am I scared to death to tell anyone about these thoughts, since I’m usually so meek I doubt anyone would take me seriously.
I keep itching to hurt someone, anyone. It’s been growing stronger. I’m afraid of what I might do. Is there anything I can do to stop myself? Or will I have to step out of line and prove that I’m dangerous?
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