Since writing this post rufusdos may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. rufusdos is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 2 months and has 2 posts and 3 replies to their name.
Anyone in a relationship which results in arguments which escalate to violence should look long and hard at themselves, How can you say you are good for her if you get into this state, I think this is a case where you may need help and support to move on from this.
Thanks for this fast reply, I appreciate it. I know, the violence scares me, I honestly thiought I was a peaceful person, but with her I’ve headbuted furniture, thrown things and screamed and cursed like an animal. I’d never touch her, it’s more myself I hurt. I wish I could be better for her, but it’s just constant hard work, I’m not sure relationships should be this hard. what kind of help or support do you mean?
The problem isn’t her, it’s you.
You deserve better but you don’t seem to believe it.
As long as she gets away with her behaviour and you need her to come back, she’s being trained that it’s ok to act the way she does. You’re training her to treat you like a doormat.
well if you’ve become worse than you should be then its one thing that you need to think about really hard. in a relationship you should be able to change for the better if there is any at all that you need to be changed. you can say that you can never hurt someone, but in return you are, because you are hurting yourself.
Another thing is that it might be good that she has someone to go to when she’s in dire need (such as friends or family) but if she goes straight to her “EX” and comes back to show you she’s with him then whats there to stop her from cheating and doing things that you dont want her doing against your back? sure, people make bad decisions when they are mad and emotionally unstable, but there is a limit that they cant just say “i was mad so im sorry i slept with someone else.”
you can always take good care of her but remember to do so you have to take care of yourself first. if you’re relationship is like a battlefield then you cant just go running to save your girl if you yourself have an injured leg.
if you’ve been with her for a long time then it just makes sense that you wouldnt be able to stand it not having her around you. but if you feel awkward or feel uneasy to be with her then how will you take it for the rest of however many years? you know that she was abused and you’re using it to rationalize everything and make it so that SHE MATTERS and that SHE needs to be taken care of. that YOU need to be with HER and YOU are the only one who’ll be there for her. that’s not quite the reality. It is very possible that you want to keep coming back to her because like you said, the SEX is wonderful. sex can be a good thing or a bad thing, but this time its the hormones that keeps you wanting it. you want to have the same drugs over and over again because you know its good and you’re probably addicted. but in the end, its still like DRUGS: it will mess with your life no matter how good it feels.
you should keep trying. stop putting all the effort on yourself and not letting her do any work. for once, don’t put yourself out for her to just grab. let her do the work, let her beg you to go back to her, let her know that if she needs you, she has to make her own sacrifices. if she wants to really be with you for a good cause then she will sacrifices the bad things that she can and do it to be with you. let her do what you do for her.. let her go running after you. don’t make it easy for her just because you think it should be. if you really want to help her, then do this and you’ll make her stronger. if she doesn’t come back to you then you know she doesn’t want to, but at least you didn’t leave her as a weak person. she’ll be able to stand up for herself and that’s what should matter if anything else bad happens.
thanks linuxya, I think you have a point.
pencilcase, thank you so much: your reply is both realistic and positive, so much of what you say is absolutely correct - the battlefield analogy, the addiction. and your last paragraph is pragmatic and helpful to us both. Thanks again!
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Should I keep trying?
I’m in a relationship with an abused child. It’s been painful and challenging from the start. At first it was her ex - she used to go stay with him & go on trips with him. It drove me mad, but she is totally gorgeous and I’m under her spell. We have incredible arguments in which anger escalates on both sides to the point of violence. She’s ‘dumped’ me several times, leaving me begging. I threw her out of my apartment and she drove straight to her ex - they came together to get her bags the next day, but somehow we made up. she says I’ve never done anything for her and she’s done so much for me - like driving over to my place every day - she works in another town- I paid the gas, but she considers it some kind of debt. I never count the things I do for her and I think I’m fairly giving. we’ve started meditating together and we’re working through a couple of books, which seem to help, but things are still completely unstable, I never know when I might get my next yelling-at. I can’t stand it without her, but when I think of her or when I’m with her I get this uncomfortable knot in my stomach. My parents both think I should get someone more stable. I just don’t want to leave her worse than I found her. our sex life is the best either of us has ever had, we are a popular couple, and when it’s good, it’s great, but it’s bad so often, there’s always some crisis. Should I keep trying?
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