Paranoia help: I’m an American guy who’s a few months shy of 23. - Help.com

I’m an American guy who’s a few months shy of 23.

My life has been interesting. I have a non-verbal learning disability, which makes it very hard to read non-verbal cues and creates some difficulty in math. I went to a mainstream high school and voted “Most Likely to Succeed” and “Class Genius” at graduation. I always seemed mature for my age and won various academic and character awards.

During the start of my senior year of high school, I began to have panic attacks. I was put on some antidepressants, which didn’t do much. Soon my thinking started to change. I began having delusions of persecution, thinking that people like professors, doctors, and my parents were going to harm me. I became very secretive as a result. Then I started having grandiose delusions and started working on all kinds of plans — most of which I now recognize as unattainable.

This thinking became so natural to me that it took me over. I stopped seeing as foreign. I became so suspicious of other people and my behavior became erratic. I started spending money, taking flying lessons, and driving for thousands of miles at a time to “escape” the “threats” around me. I started finding “allies” who would protect me. I felt that I needed to lie to the people around me to keep myself safe from plots.

It got to the point where I was taking college classes and then stopped going because I was afraid of the instructors. I started seeing a psychologist but I thought that he too would do something bad, so I didn’t tell him the truth. I acted like things were okay (not great, but not terrible). Really, I stopped living life. I took online classes but also had these delusions. I stopped talking to friends. This was a shock to those students from my high school who attended my college. They knew me as incredibly studious and loving school. Me missing a class was unheard of in high school — but, then again, I didn’t have any of these delusions. College was awful because I constantly felt that people were after me, so I isolated and lied to protect myself. That means no friends, no parties, nothing. I did have a couple girlfriends but they eventually left. My college advisor knew that I was bright but troubled and got me through the years.

I did eventually graduate (a few months late) but I was already taking grad classes. But I found another scheme and was distracted by it. I stopped doing the work for classes because this scheme was going to “save” me.

My thoughts got to the point where I stopped going outside or even changing clothes. I broke off the antidepressants. Most of these paranoid thoughts left me, but not completely. I talked to my parents (who both work in psych) and told them about what has been happening for the last five years. I was put on olanzapine (an antipsychotic) and it’s like Night and Day. I recognize those delusions and the behaviors they brought on as false. I now know that they weren’t real. My thoughts are slow enough for me to deal with them for the first time in a long time. I see my parents as the lovable people that they are and not as the persecutors I thought. I have started wearing a watch again rather than letting months fly by. I actively challenge any thoughts that are irrational.

The official diagnoses are: psychotic depression, delusional disorder, and hypomania (that being due to the SSRI, so that’s gone).

I would love to be a college professor more than anything. My original goal when going into school was to be an attorney. I am glad that I didn’t go down that road. My goal at this point is to stay stable and make sure that things are okay for the foreseeable future. The trouble is that I have transcripts at several schools that are littered with bad grades (and some good ones). I had to leave courses because of my paranoia. I don’t know if it’s worth going to the schools and explaining that I was suffering from firmly-held delusions at the time but now I’m okay. This was the first onset of psychosis in my life and I didn’t recognize that things were going wrong. Now that it’s controlled with medication, I’m not sure that it should be held against me. I didn’t drink or do drugs in college. I didn’t choose this and losing the “best years” of one’s life should be punishment enough. I don’t feel bad for myself or blame anyone, I just want the opportunity to prove myself.

Any thoughts?

This open post was written 8 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 153, 1, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

mental illness, academica, Paranoia (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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