hopelessness help: I am tired of life. - Help.com

I am tired of life.

Once again I’m homeless and without a job. This has happened to me not once but four times. At least I have somewhere to stay (with friends) but it isn’t the same as having your own place. I could see if I knew nothing but I don’t. I went to private schools and have an extensive classical education. I went to college and took graduate courses. I majored in astrophysics and astronomy. In the fifteen years since I left school I’ve only been employed for approximately half of that time. When I can find work I’m almost always a contractor (i.e. temp) and hardly every a permanent employee. I’ve tried to apply my knowledge to many different things–scientific programming, three-dimensional computer graphics, numerical analysis, projectile ballistics, rocket and missile guidance, astrodynamics and celestial mechanics, etc, etc. I’ve done my share of get-by jobs too. Danced and waited tables in a strip club, done telemarketing, customer service, data entry, front desk, tour guide, and so on. Most of these jobs have gone overseas and I have no wish nor am I able to teach school so what is left for me? Am I to go on just consuming oxygen, food, and water for the next seventy-five or eighty years? I always knew that life wouldn’t be fair or perfect but this must end. I’ve been looking for work since last June. I’ve had to stay with friends for the last two years almost since I lost my house. I’m tired of being told I’m “overqualified” or sending out resumes that will never be read. I’m not the sort of person that gives up easily. I’ve lived without heat. I’ve lived without electricity or hot water. I’ve lived out of my truck or abandoned houses out in the desert before. I’ve never been able to buy a new car so I rebuilt my own truck out of junk. I can tell you about the history of fashion design or the campaigns of Xenophon and Caesar or how to get from here to the Moon but none of it can help me have a life. That’s what hurts the most–am I to be frustrated forever like Sisyphus or Tantalus? There is nothing for me on this planet. In the past there were colonies or a new frontier where unwanted people could go to and, with hard work, wrest a new life out of the wilderness–but that was centuries ago. Ex nihilo, nihil fit (Out of nothing, nothing is made). I do not fear death. It is the only release. Living without life is not living. It would be better if I could go back in time and prevent my birth. I will miss the things that I never got to have in life. I was in love–once. I never got to be a wife or a mother. My parents are long dead. I will never have a father to give me away. I will miss the dawn and the sunrise. My only regret is that I have accomplished absolutely nothing…nothing at all.

This open post was written 8 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 276, 7, 7 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

joblesness, lifenessess, hopelessness (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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