I bring myself down. - Help.com



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I bring myself down.

I’m 18 years old in the flesh and have little besides my name. I have a massive speeding ticket and a dwindling GPA.
Who wants that? I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and I always feel gross and ugly.
Meanwhile, I’m ranting about all of my problems and listening to Vanessa Carlton when I should be studying for my Econ test.
Maybe, just maybe I’ll major in pre-med and become an ocnologist. It’s just that I want to do something remarkable, no matter what it is.
I want to write, to discover, to draw, and to learn, but it’s as if everything is prohibiting me from doing so.

You’re not intelligent enough and your GPA sucks. Look at Anna Smith and John Lui. They’ll do great things. They’ll discover the cure for cancer and retire with millions. Look at them. Teachers love them and I mean, who doesn’t? Meanwhile, you’re fat and a slacker. You’ll go to some mediocre college, get some worthless degree, and spend the rest of your life trying to achieve your American dream. It’s not possible. You tell yourself that you’re better than this, but you aren’t. Amelie, Myles, and Kameron don’t want you as a friend. Not now, not ever. Nathan clearly wanted you to the hell out of his life and now doesn’t care if you rot on the side of the road or not. You try to tell yourself that things will be better and you continue to feed upon that lie. Anne, you won’t publish a book and you won’t get into medical school. Zut, girl. You barely know how to use commas. You’re no beauty. Freckles cover your pale shoulders and prominent nose. What’s going to happen when you have surgery on June the 1st? I bet it will turn out horribly. You’ll look plastic and processed. You’ll be a freak like me. Try and turn to the chambers of your mind for comfort but I’ll be there. Try to relieve old memories in an attempt for a moment of happiness but I’ll be there. I swear to God I’ll make you miserable. I’ll make you wish you had taken that whole bottle of Ibuprofen. There’s no escaping me for you are me and I am you.

When I go off to college all of my problems will disappear. I’ll be lovely just like the plastic surgeon said I’ll be. The nurses with their tight, gum-bearing smiles say that I’m a lovely girl and will be even lovelier after I’m ridden of this unfortunate nose. I like myself for who I am most days. It’s nice to know that I’m the most intelligent person in two of my classes taking the teachers into consideration as well. Graduation will be here soon and then I’ll be gone. I’ll spend June recovering from surgery and July will be used up by packing and spending the last days of my “childhood” with friends. College life will be terribly lonesome at first but eventually I’ll adjust. Every month I’ll drive home and meet Skylar at Starbuck’s and we’ll chat like I’d never left at all. I’ll see Kameron there, surrounded by her usual cloud of smoke and I’ll laugh silently to myself. Perhaps I might even see Nathan. Maybe he’ll try to approach me and start up small chat to make up for the months of silence. If that moment ever comes, which I hope it does because by then I’ll be stronger, I’ll walk away from him like I never knew him at all. I’ll walk away to peace, to bliss, to heaven on Earth. My day will come. After all, doesn’t every dog have his day?

What I want is to weigh 110 pounds again. I found out my GPA is 89.630 today. IHML. I can’t find the right prom dress. I have to go to synagogue tomorrow. Ugh.

This open post was written 8 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 84, 1, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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Anonymous edited this post 8 months, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »

I bring myself down.
I’m 18 years old in the flesh and have little besides my name. I have a massive speeding ticket and a dwindling GPA.
Who wants that? I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and I always feel gross and ugly.
Meanwhile, I’m ranting about all of my problems and listening to Vanessa Carlton when I should be studying for my Economic’s test.
Maybe, just maybe I’ll major in pre-med and become an ocnologist. It’s just that I want to do something remarkable, no matter what it is.
I want to write, to discover, to draw, and to learn, but it’s as if everything is prohibiting me from doing so.

You’re not intelligent enough and your GPA sucks. Look at Anna Smith and John Lui. They’ll do great things. They’ll discover the cure for cancer and retire with millions. Look at them. Teachers love them and I mean, who doesn’t? Meanwhile, you’re fat and a slacker. You’ll go to some mediocre college, get some worthless degree, and spend the rest of your life trying to achieve your American dream. It’s not possible. You tell yourself that you’re better than this, but you aren’t. Amelie, Myles, and Kameron don’t want you as a friend. Not now, not ever. Nathan clearly wanted you to the hell out of his life and now doesn’t care if you rot on the side of the road or not. You try to tell yourself that things will be better and you continue to feed upon that lie. Anne, you won’t publish a book and you won’t get into medical school. Zut, girl. You barely know how to use commas. You’re no beauty. Freckles cover your pale shoulders and prominent nose. What’s going to happen when you have surgery on June the 1st? I bet it will turn out horribly. You’ll look plastic and processed. You’ll be a freak like me. Try and turn to the chambers of your mind for comfort but I’ll be there. Try to relieve old memories in an attempt for a moment of happiness but I’ll be there. I swear to God I’ll make you miserable. I’ll make you wish you had taken that whole bottle of Ibuprofen. There’s no escaping me for you are me and I am you.

When I go off to college all of my problems will disappear. I’ll be lovely just like the plastic surgeon said I’ll be. The nurses with their tight, gum-bearing smiles say that I’m a lovely girl and will be even lovelier after I’m ridden of this unfortunate nose. I like myself for who I am most days. It’s nice to know that I’m the most intelligent person in two of my classes taking the teachers into consideration as well. Graduation will be here soon and then I’ll be gone. I’ll spend June recovering from surgery and July will be used up by packing and spending the last days of my “childhood” with friends. College life will be terribly lonesome at first but eventually I’ll adjust. Every month I’ll drive home and meet Skylar at Starbuck’s and we’ll chat like I’d never left at all. I’ll see Kameron there, surrounded by her usual cloud of smoke and I’ll laugh silently to myself. Perhaps I might even see Nathan. Maybe he’ll try to approach me and start up small chat to make up for the months of silence. If that moment ever comes, which I hope it does because by then I’ll be stronger, I’ll walk away from him like I never knew him at all. I’ll walk away to peace, to bliss, to heaven on Earth. My day will come. After all, doesn’t every dog have his day?

What I want is to weigh 110 pounds again. I found out my GPA is 89.630 today. IHML. I can’t find the right prom dress. I have to go to synagogue tomorrow. Ugh.

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