heartbreak help: After years of watching my life fall apart, I’ve finally - Help.com

After years of watching my life fall apart, I’ve finally decided, I’m truly only meant to exist to make others’ existence easier or better.

I spent the first 18 years of my life as a social outcast, even to my parents. In school, I was the cliche nerd who had no friends (not even the other nerds). There was a select core of fellow absolute outcasts that I could hang out with. Even so, I was as nice/helpful to others as possible. At home, from age 4 on, I was the middle child, and the second boy. My younger sister got all the attention, and my older brother all the responsibility. I was left to pick up the pieces when they made a mess.
When I was 13, my parents divorced because my mom was having a lesbian affair. My brother was old enough to stay clear, and basically cut ties with the family. The responsibility fell on me to make sure my sister was okay, as well as being the go-between for my parents during the proceedings of the divorce, because they weren’t willing to talk to each other. Despite doing this, I was never acknowledged. In fact, I was ignored even more heavily, because both of my parents, in an attempt to win her over, gave all the affection (and material possessions, for what it’s worth) to my little sister.
Finally, I got to college, and had an opportunity to change myself and my image. For the first time, I had friends who weren’t outcasts, and for one year, my life seemed to be going right. Of course, it was a pathetic charade. As time passed, I realized that my Christian beliefs were only there because my parents had forced them into me. Eventually, I drifted to Active Deism (the belief that there is a higher being, and it directly impacts our lives. Pretty much, it’s like not taking a side in the religion issue). This led to my father, a Lutheran pastor, disowning me (I had been disowned by my mother already during her extreme feminist conversion for being a man).
Here’s the real kick in the face: none of that bothers me. I could care less about my shattered family life or broken past, because the only problem that really gets me down is the fact that I’m nearly 21, and I’ve never so much as been on a date with a girl. It’s not even for lack of trying; I’ve been deeply in love once, and since that went to hell, I’ve tried to distract myself by tricking my conscious state into believing that I’ve been romantically interested in other girls, each and every one of which viewed me as nothing more than a friend. Basically, I’m the ultimate friend zone candidate. Of course, in the end, it’s all the same, because I’m still madly in love with the first girl I ever fell for, and she’s never going to talk to me again (not my first crush mind you, but certainly my first and only true love). Now, I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that being a combination of chivalrous and kind, not really being over my first true love, and having a sub-par physical appearance have left me un-date-able. Thus begins my descent into madness, but that’s a completely separate story, which has only begun to be written.
To those who made it here, congratulations, you’ve sat through the short version of my rant. Now that I’ve finished saying that, I’ll do all that I’m suited to do, and help other people with their problems.

This open post was written 8 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 226, 6, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

emotions, personal problems, heartbreak (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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