Family help: im 37 and i have now one in my life. - Help.com

Been there and done that … and boy, can I ever relate! It’s only because my hubby is a saint that I’m still married. But I sacrificed many years of my marriage and our quality of life and ended up disabled myself before my Mom finally went into a nursing home. I used up all of my dancing and fun days being a 24/7 caregiver for my Mom for 15+ years. Now she’s in a nursing home and I can barely walk, much less dance.

Don’t let that happen to you. You’re right to want a life of your own. You need to have a life of your own. When guilt strikes - and it will - try to keep this thought in mind: Your parents were allowed to have their lives; why shouldn’t you be allowed to have your own?

Contrary to how it might sound, I’m not speaking to you from a position of bitterness or regret; but I am speaking to you from a position of experience. I made the choices I made; I take full responsibility for my actions. But you’re now at roughly the same age I was when I made my choice to give up my career and place my Mom ahead of my marriage and my life … and I can tell you from first hand experience that you never get back the years you lose.

If a nursing home situation is simply not emotionally or financially feasible for you, there is something called “Respite Care” … depending on where you live it could:

- Cost you a fee to go through an agency that specializes in it, or,
- Be offered by your local Social Services office, or,
- Be available via a local volunteer organization.

Best place to start your research is to first google “Respite Care” and learn about it. Then, contact your local Social Services office and ask them if they have an on-going program in place, and if not, can they refer you to either a volunteer organization or an agency that specializes in respite care. If they’re unable to provide any help / useful info, contact local churches / ministries, etc. Should that fail, go back to google and find a respite care agency closest to you - even if it’s in the next state over - and ask them for guidance … chances are, they’ll have some sort of nationwide registry on hand that they’ll be able to refer to.

There’s also a wonderful site called, “A Place For Mom” that is not only chock full of helpful caregiver info and resources, but will also assign you your very own representative who will work with you to help solve any problems you may have … 100% free of cost. http://www.aplaceformom.com/ These people are the kindest you will ever meet.

By the way, your increased weight: stress, loneliness and depression. If you don’t find a way of adding fun to your life, it will only get worse. And if you’re not in tip-top form … well, you’ll find yourself unable to help keep your parents as healthy as possible. Again, I’m speaking from personal experience.

I need to log off for the day, but I’ll check back here tomorrow in case you have any questions for me.

Take Care, -Aries.

You have to decide if you want to be someone that worries every minute about death, or if you want to enjoy the moments that you have living. My dad has been sick all my life, and up until very recently I used to be very worried about losing him. To an unhealthy extent.

I asked a friend of mine who lost a parent what she thought - what she said made sense to me. Someone you love, anyone, could die at any time regardless of you being in the house or not. Regardless of you being happy or miserable or busy or attentive. So you have to decide who you want to be. You cant worry yourself sick over it, it will end up making you unhappy. What would they say about all this worrying that you do? Would they want you to waste your time worrying about something you cant control?

As for the weight, you can lose it - you have to make goals. Take steps, start drinking more water, exercising and the like. I could give you more tips if you want them.