boyfriend help: my boyfriends father is slowly dying and i dont know how to help. - Help.com

Get the book “On Grief and Grieving” by Elisabeth Kuebluer-Ross. It speaks right to you. It’s aimed for you after a death, but her research is that people suffer the stages of grief BEFORE death (for terminal illness situations) and then a second time AFTER death. It happens twice.

She also wrote a book called “On Death and Dying” for terminal illness situations. I haven’t read that one.

The best thing you can do is listen to him. Encourage him to just share his feelings however scary they may be. After my wife’s death my brother did this for me for a couple of weeks and it was a huge help. The best way to do this is never argue with his feelings. Make him feel safe by repeating back to him your understanding of what he tells you he’s feeling. Help him then explore each of those feelings however scary it might be for you.

I suppose you’re religious. Fair enough. But please don’t try to argue him out of his feelings with religious concepts. Just let him express himself.

Another thing to consider is the whole estate. it can be helpful for guys to have problems to concentrate on: the will, the estate, his father’s wishes, etc.

Take the clue from him—let him TALK about his father when he wants, and let him NOT talk when he wants. Me, I find that when loved ones die, I want to talk about them, to tell the old stories, the funny stories, even the sad stories. A lot of people try to change the subject. Don’t do that to him. Hear him out. If he seems inclined to want to revisit his life with dad, ask him questions, and perhaps even help him gather photographs. If you know his dad, point out some of his good qualities and highlight some of his achievements.

Just your being there for your boyfriend will be an enormous help, believe me.

Good luck—this is a hard transition, I know.

You’re on the right track, hon. One more thing: Don’t take it personally if he gets moody. Just give him a hug, and leave him some space if he seems to need it.