My son is homeless…
and it makes me tear up when ever I think about it , hundreds of times a day.
He is 27 and served time for his country for several years in Bagdad.
He did real good until right before he was done with his 4 year term, he was driving home across Texas, back to Ft Bliss, and fell asleep at the wheel and his car came to a stop on the highway, an officer searched his car and found a tiny amount of crystal meth, he was arrested, and then kicked out of the army, lost everything, including 40k college scholarship, lots of attorney and court fees, a few years of probation.
that was about 5 years ago. Since,He has had a few jobs, that don’t last, he has stayed with us, for couple years, stayed with friends, thrown out of two of his own apartments, and last his sister moved away and he had to move out. HOmeless for a day, I decided to give him one more chance, I told him so, i paid for a week long stay at a hotel in an area where there were a lot of jobs, he would need to do this all by himself, no friends, keep focused on filling out applications for jobs, etc.
the second night, after do job search all day, he got ahold of an old friend and the friend bought the beer and liquer, and my son got way too drunk, his friend stabbed him several times, then in the parking lot a complete stranger hit him over the head with a large heavy flashlight, causing skull fracture and requiring
over 30 stiches right over his left eye, causing skull fracture, and large cut over eye.
He spent a couple days in the hospital, and they released him with a request from me to have a social worker talk to him about choices of where he could stay. She did, and he told her exactly what he thought she wanted to hear. Now I feel, that I hurt him by helping him.
We let him spend the night, and the plan was i took the day off work and he was going to contact those list of choices. the list contained church and mens facilities, shelters, and other places he could stay.
He and his girlfriend took off in the car just now.. heading to her sisters to help her sister with her garage sale, to hopefully sell some stuff to make some money, etc.
what can they do with a few dollars from a garage sale.
he is taking the meds from the hospital but he needs rest and care.
why did he refuse to get help from those places ?
why can’t he see past today, ?
why does this hurt so much, seeing him this way.?
he is talented, he is great at computor and design and musically a genious in my opinion.
yet he is letting all of that go to waste, and for what.
it just hurts.
what i need help with is i have spent a lot of money for the last few years helping him.
but i know i am not helping him by helping him and giving him money and paying rent and cell phone and car insurance and food, and buying clothes, and on and on.
can some one else in this world help him out?
Since writing this post Legato3 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Legato3 is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 7 months and has 1 posts and 0 replies to their name.
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Your son needs help mentally. He should be evaluated. My heart goes out to you. I am quite sure he is a good person and don’t give up on him.
Hon, forgive me for being blunt here but…your son is making the wrong choices in life, for one the drugs, and next hanging out with the wrong people. There is only one person in this world that can help him, and that’s himself.Ive seen this time and time again, and while you continue to help him out he will never change and stand on his own two feet.
Yes its sad to watch our kids give up, especially a young man that has the talent to go far.
You would have thought the beating he took would have been the “hitting rock bottom” stage, but seems like it wasn’t. Until he hits rock bottom, and realizes the only way to go is up, he will continue on this path. Is there something in his background as to why he acts the way he does ? often times, people carry something from the past that gives them a low self esteem.
Have you tried sitting and talking to him, Im guessing you have ? Sometimes the future looks bleak and it takes a lot to realize your full potential. Don’t give up, just knowing he is loved will help.
Your story is my story, with the added bonus that my son and I, and probably his daughter are all bipolar. He won’t take meds, he thinks he has no problems. I’ve set him up in apartments over the years when he was married and had the two girls with them. Had to. And, like you, pay a weeks stay in town and nothing ever happens. When he calls, my stomach gets sick. He is getting kicked out of his place today, I just gave him $100 to give to the “landlord”, and he says he gave it and they kicked him out anyway. hmmm… did he give the hundred dollars?
This stuff goes on and on, and he had also been addicted (to what?) To make matters worse, my husband HATES my son, always has, of course this came out shortly after we married. This hatred and competition between the two of them has caused severe distress to me. It is a looooooonnnnggggg story. It is truly making me sick.
So now, my son will ask to stay in our motorhome, with his girlfriend. I already have guardianship of one of his daughters and when daddy comes, it is a nightmare for Nana (me.) Lots of behavioral problems, with both of them actually. And then I go crazy. I don’t know what I will say, he will be calling soon.
It is horrible to see your child degradate right in front of your eyes. I notice that your son does not stay with you but a night or so. That would be ideal, but I can no longer afford to “set him up” somewhere. He has no job, neither does his bipolar girlfriend. My husband rarely works and all of this falls on me.
I’m getting weary, weary, weary just writing this. btw, my “husband” is really my ex-husband, we divorced two years ago and I took my son and moved him in with me, hoping I could help him. That was horrible too, and I had to return to my household to care for his daughter (emergency.) So, leaving right now is not an option, it has been seriously considered in the last couple of months but I have decided that this home is stable and with the country about to go belly up, I decided to stay.
Now, how do I tell my son that he cannot stay on my property and give him the stability I give my ex? I “retreated” in the last couple of months, kept my purse closed, at least that was my intention, to only support my granddaughter as she is my first priority. Why do I have to support my ex-husband and tell my homeless son “No?”
I have put in a prayer request, and will hope I can manage the upcoming storms…. keep the faith, Maryann
To Legato 3: Your letter moved me. I know who you feel. I too, will cry when I talk about our son. My 18 year old son is homeless. We, his family, live in Utah. And he lives in San Diego… Under a bridge. We did not kick him out. He left. He saved $60.00 for a Greyhound Bus Ticket…. got onto the bus March 9, 2009 without any cash and left.
So, you may wonder why he left. He was bored and he likes to drink. We are a nice family: no drugs, we work, we love our 2 children, I read him bedtime stories, took him to church (we are not mormon), Karate, swimming, PTA mom, family vacations …… the whole thing.
He calls about every 2 or 3 weeks. I am thankful for the phone calls and that he is alive.
There are plenty of places for homeless people to get help getting back on their feet. Unfortunately many of them don’t want to get back on their feet. Your son sounds like one of them and there is nothing you can do to change this.
I might add that you sound like you are making excuses for your son, for example you say “an officer searched his car and found a tiny amount of crystal meth”. So what it was a tiny amount. Meth is meth. Your son takes meth. He’ll be homeless as long as he is doing that!
My advice to you - forget about him. If he calls asking for money, or anything for that matter, HANG UP. If he shows up asking for food, money, anything, SLAM the DOOR. He is a man, he should get those things for himself.
As I am writing this he is asleep in my house for what is supposed to be just one night and this has caused some sever stress with my new wife (we just had our first anniversary) I have told myself thousands of times that his life style is not my fault, that I can not help him if I bail him out of his problems but I find that every time he loses a cellular phone I buy him another one while telling myself that it is so he can look for a job, but he never seems to look. He was accepted to a community college, given a loan for books, tuition, housing etc but he doesn’t even seem to make an attempt to go to the school. The ex-wife claims it is because he is homeless (there is no student housing available this term) and that he wouldn’t be able to stay awake in class. She wants me to find him a place to stay for 6 weeks. I don’t have any answers.
I ask myself, where did the little boy go that played baseball, football, went camping and hiking with me? How did he get to be homeless, living in bus shelters?
I found this site looking for answers, support, suggestions, anything. I just want him to be happy and I want the hurt, anguish and guilt I feel daily to go away. I can not let my 25 year old son ruin my new marriage. This has been a on going problem for over 3 years. When is rock bottom rock bottom?
I just ran across this site. Seems I’m not the only mom suffering while watching a son who just can’t seem to get things going in the right direction. My son had a drug problem and spent time in prison. Has a 5 yr old daughter (no marriage). Since prison, he’s turned his life around from drugs and is working, but seems like it takes everything he makes to “live” and then ANYTHING extra he doesn’t have (car repairs, sickness, etc) It really seems that prayers go unanswered. Please know that I really do feel your pain and I hope that we all get much needed solutions to these problems.
My son is 27 yrs old and has been on a self destructive path for the last 9 years. I as his mother am totally drained, physically mentally and financially. I just can’t do anymore except love him and pray for him. He is bipolar, on drugs and thinks the world owes him something. He now sleeps behind a Walmart in lakeland fl. and just roams during the day. What am I suppose to do? This is making me physically ill I have to let go. I pray that I am doing the right thing, he has to help himself now.
pray for my son Bruce Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am also feeling all of your pain. My son continues on a path of self destruction. Drinking, pot, and prescription meds. On the surface he seems so normal but he has totaly messed up his life three times. He served our country and then started drinkng. He was asked to leave the service. Then he became a lpn and three months before graduation of the rn program he was kicked out for smoking pot. Then he moved away and lived with friends he started stealing from them and moved back in with me. He steals from me and my husband and it is starting to hurt our marriage. He is so smart when he graduated it was with honors. I also don’t understand. He was an alter boy as a child, I was a hands on mother and still am. My children are my life. I know I should kick him out and stop enabling him but my heart won’t let me. I have spoken with him many times and asked him to change. I know only he can make that choice. He knows it hurts me to see him like this. He tells me I am the most important person in his life and he loves me. I don’t know about this anymore. Actions speak louder than words. How can you love someone and take such advantage of them. I am a very educated women and I know what my head tells me, but my heart aches for him. I am very scared for him, for me, for my entire family. He has so many secrets and I don’t really know what all he is involved in. His lives here rent free, doesn’t really have many bills. I pay for his phone. Yet he never has money and steals when he needs more. Someone please help us.
I can sympathize too. My heart aches every day for my 31 year old son - who has been homeless for approximately ten years. He is mentally ill but refuses to take medication. I live on the east coast, he lives on the west coast. Part of his illness is he is fearful of cell phones - so communication is difficult. He went so far from home originally because I tried to have him hospitalized. But I know he loves me as much as I love him.
It is so hard - every time I throw away food (knowing his is malnourished). When it’s cold or raining I worry about him being out in the weather. I grieve for the lost hope of a brilliant and talented young man. But mostly I cannot give up hope that some day he will at least have shelter and enough food to eat. I am constantly “banging on doors” but so far none have helped much.
My son is 22 years old, a type 1 diabetic, who does not want to work or take care of himself. He loses apartments, jobs, cars, etc. He seems to want to come home, but when I try my stuff starts to disappear, my money is stolen, and he watches porno all night. If I say something, he gets nasty. I had to get a protective order to keep him from threatening to assault me. Even tonight he asked can he sleep in my car. It is so sad, but I didn’t cause it. Only he can use what is available to him such as the shelters to help himself. I am so tired of this.
I’m so sorry! Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to squeeze them back into young children so they could have smaller problems??
I don’t have the luxury, but if I had a way to house my son and put up with nasty behavior I think it would be easier than fearing for his safety. I don’t know where you live but in a lot of the country it is so cold and wet right now - and it is hard not knowing if they have shelter.
In my church on Sunday the minister prayed for people who don’t have shelter and I had to leave in tears. Most of the people in my church are so affluent - it is way beyond their comprehension to even know a homeless person - once more have a loved one who is in that state…
I have always helped homeless people and wondered what happened that caused them to be homeless. I wondered where their family was and why they didn’t help them. I even worked with a very wealthy man who has a brother who is homeless. I asked him why he didn’t help his brother. He told me he that it breaks his heart that his brother is homeless but there is nothing he can do to help him.
I couldn’t understand at the time. Now I have a 23 year old son who is homeless. He was diagnosed with a mental illness at age 19. He has resources that he will not use through the mental health system and he had an apartment until recently.
I have three other grown children that are functioning in the world on their own. They feel guilty when he asks for help and they can’t help him. He uses alcohol and drugs on top of his psych meds. I can’t bring him into my home because this is beyond my capacity to deal with. I have to keep a job and He drains me financially and mentally. I don’t feel safe around him.
I am angry that this is part of my reality. I am a loving mother that can’t show the kind of love a mother is known for to my mentally ill son. He knocked on my door this morning asking for a dollar to pick up his medication, a blanket, and the bicycle he had left here some time ago. I asked him to walk out to the street so I could put these things on the front porch.
I feel like a monster! I am making him feel like a monster and that makes me feel even worse. Here I sit in my warm home with food in my cupboards and my son is homeless. I know he has options and I keep pointing him to those.
It doesn’t feel good and I really wish things were different. I have a picture of Jesus sitting on a park bench next to a homeless young man. I keep that picture framed in my living room and know that I have to turn this over to GOD. I feel guilty because I know that we are the hands of heaven. I feel horrible because I am shutting my son out.
I don’t know what the answers are but I continue to pray for my son and my family. I have received miraculous answers to prayers many times in my life and really quickly too. This is the one miracle I plead for and my prayers continue to go unanswered. I will continue to pray to know my role in my son’s life and what I can do to help him return to the most normal peaceful life he can know.
I too am praying for a miraculous answer.
I did get one small miracle recently. After six years of scouring the internet - reading all about the place where my son lives (opposite side of the country from me) - I found someone who knows him and is online.
I am wishing there was such a thing as a support group for families of the homeless. They have “al-anon” for families of alcoholics, “NAMI” for families of the mental ill - why not something for the families of the homeless? I don’t know if there can be a worse hell than loving someone deeply and not knowing if he is hungry or cold or safe.
I’m so sorry. I have a son who is homeless as well and it hurts very much. I do not know what to do about his situation. When I try to lead him in a direction to receive help he does not do it. At this time he believes someone is out to kill him. He is bipolor and will not seek help. I work and cannot take off to take care of his needs. I pray God will give me the answers I need.
I like your idea though, of families of homeless persons. Why don’t you start something in your hometown? I’m going to look into this. Thank you for the idea.
Let me know how you are doing and anyone else out there. We can start here to help each other and get and receive help. Thank you.
There is only one semi-homeless person in my home town and he is an elderly drug addict who we give money to all of the time. (I live in a tiny affluent town.) It’s hard because all of my friends have children with important jobs, big houses, fabulous vacations, etc. And I’m happy if I find out mine had a bag of rice last week.
With thousands of miles between us it is so hard not knowing if he is alive or cold or hungry. And like your son, mine refuses treatment because he is afraid of medicine. But I am thankful to have found a minister who seems him now and can tell me that he’s okay periodically. It has made a huge difference in my life! I used to go 6 months between contacts with him and now I hear something every few weeks. (He also thinks he will get cancer if a cell phone comes within hearing distance of his head.)
Since there are many thousands of homeless where he lives, I know there must be many other families who would love to have a “group” they could talk to… I’m hearing about how most larger cities now have huge numbers of homeless.
My son is 23, I have been going through almost the same since he was 18 and yesterday i gave him 20 dollars and went to work , well long story short i had misplaced some keys to my truck, he took the truck to a drug house and it broke down so he called me from someone Else’s phone because he is so irresponsible that he can’t keep this charged. i could not give him a ride and he proceeded to walk, he always looks like a suspicious person and the police stopped him and of course the twenty i gave him went for weed so now he has his second Marijuana possession and says it should be legal and is not going to quit. He does not have a job, blames society for everything either that or me. He is abusive towards me and seems to hate me until he needs out of jail. He to it handsome , intelligent and can play just about any instrument he picks up. He has a nice place to live, i own my own business and he complains about how bad he has it. I have 4 other grown children and he is the youngest and he breaks my heart most every day and i really don’t see an end to it, i wish i could help you , but at least you aren’t alone, mine just called, collect.. i bailed him out… my older children are mad at me
My son just turned 21 and my family and I have helped him many times. He suffers from severe depression and chronic anxiety. He was doing so well, I got him back on his meds and he went through an organization that helped him find a job. This is great in our area because there are very few jobs. He loved the job and started feeling really well, self-confident and less depression and anxiety so he quit his meds again. It started going downhill from there. He got agitated at work and they let him go. My son is also slightly cerebral palsy. He walks differently than normal and is really made fun and judged by this. Now here we go again, his rent and utilities are due and we cannot help him. He has tried to contact old friends for a place to stay and everyone turns him down. My husband and I cannot let hum stay with us again. He can be the sweetest son in the world but also can treat me very badly. I know in my heart I need to let him hit rock bottom but it is so heartbreaking to even think of him living on the street. He has threatened suicide if it comes to living on the street. He texts me in the middle of the night and then I am awake worrying all night. He agreed with me he needs to go to the hospital but I know he never will. I need someone to help him but my help doesn’t work. Any suggestions?
I can identify with the person who wanted to know what happened to the little boy that used to play baseball and football and had so much promise! That was my son too. After he graduated high school, he started living in the fast lane drinking and drugging, but was still somewhat functional. Until September 8 2007. That was the day his (and my) life was permanently changed. He became violently ill with an intestinal infection and was hospitalized for 8 days. The infection then triggered the most horrible case of Ulcerative Colitis that the doctors had ever seen. He was hospitalized over a dozen times within the next year, had multiple blood transfusions, was taking dozens of pills a day in an effort to control the disease and the pain. In May 2008 his colon ruptured and had to be removed in emergency trauma surgery. He then suffered another setback when he developed a horrible infection. In September 2008 they tried for the reconstructive surgery, but it was unsuccessful, so he now has a permanent ileostomy and has to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. I would be lying if I said the drugs from his illness caused his substance abuse, because he was already using. However, it did make things horribly horribly worse. From here, his story continues much like others that have posted on here. I’ve tried to help him. He lived with me the whole time he was sick but it was sheer hell. He was drinking and drugging right under my nose but I could not bear to throw him out when he was so sick. After he recuperated from his final surgery I had to ask him to leave. He wouldn’t respect my house or my rules, things disappeared. I helped him pay for a deposit on an apartment, moving expenses, when he just needed a “few bucks till Friday”. I helped him get a computer because I wanted him to stay connected with his family. His grandma pays his cell phone for the same reason. He can’t hold a job… of course, he only wants the restaraunt jobs which I’m pretty sure is because they are more conducive to his partying lifestyle. His situation is so completely messy (thousands in medical bills, traffic violations, no health insurance, needs medical supplies for life, prone to hernias, blockages, infections, etc). He totalled his car last month rear ending someone. He had no insurance so I’m pretty sure he will have a lawsuit to contend with at some point in the future. I empathize with how he must feel, but I also know it is not in his best interest for me to bail him out of his messes. What will happen when I die? He can’t hold a job. He’s basically flopping on friends couches right now. I buy his medical supplies and ship them to wherever he is this week. He seems so completely oblivious of what obstacles he faces with his medical situation, but what are my alternatives? It’s one thing to allow him to be homeless, which I have been bracing myself for. But I just can’t bear the thought of him not having his medical supplies. What will he do? It’s a dignity issue, as well as a public health issue. Seriously… what do homeless ostomy patients do?? I relate the person who said they get sick to their stomach when their son calls. I am used to be such a fun person to be around, but i am now emotionally drained. His father died young, so the entire burden of this problem is on me. I don’t know how i can ever move on with my life, with the situation my son is in.
I was just spending the last few hours crying for my son. I prayed for answers to reality because the pain is so strong. I found this site first. My son is 21. he has been drinking and drugging since 15. he is unbelievably smart and is now homeless for over a year. I too have felt the guilt and invited him in. over the years I have had money stolen, his family has furnished apartments for him that he trashed, sold the furniture, given it away, etc. After he lost his last job I felt he needed to find his way. I have kept his cell phone current and after the umteenth time he had it stolen or lost, i told him to let me know when he gets a cell phone so I can reactivate the line. It cost me 5.00 per month but want to keep in touch. I have read every post on this site and realize cutting the phone is my next step. he is bipolar, adhd, depressed and has given up on trying. he says he applied for a grant for college (actually, his last girlfriend did it for him). he ran out of his meds and doesn’t refill them, even though he had hope, ambition and goals when he was on it. When I see him, he tells me he is going to do a good thing for himself every day, including look for a job. But he doesn’t. I am greatful for this forum because I read every post and realized that I can’t enable someone who doesn’t want to take any responsibility for himself. I pray that God will watch out for him and that I can accept that my son will determine his own fate. I have another son and a job that can’t suffer if I am consumed with guilt. Thank you all for helping me feel that I am not alone.
You are not alone! And now, neither am I! :)
I can’t believe that I stumbled across this website looking for help for my 27 yr old son!!!Drugging since age 13,sometimes seems to take baby steps in the right direction but always end up down the tube.He is bipolar,adhd, depressed has meds but I don’t think he takes them.He lives with his paraplegic father and we both have been enabling him.He is in the methadone program right now but I think that contributes to the addiction!Traffic violations,accidents,ect 2 times in jail and I believe he will be returning to jail in the near future.He says he wants to have a life but does not know how.I have offered to take him to a hospital for psych help he says they can’t help,so I continue to enable,financially(not for much longer)physically(appts etc)mentally,he cannot understand nor willing to listen(everything is everyone elses fault)My heart hurts my head and other people tell me he is not my responsibility at 27yrs and I should step away but as all of you parents know these are our children,how did this happen etc?I am retired and living on fixed income and yet I continue to try to provide for this young adult to keep him safe and out of trouble!I cannot control what will happen to this young man,what is going to happen,will happen,it actually is out of my(and others)control, it is what it is(sounds good doesn’t it)I keep telling myself this,I deserve a life free of this turmoil,I guess that does not help the son who does not understand there are parents who so despartely want things to be different for their sons and daughters and blame the parents for how they turned out!
I know what you have been going through. I too have done all of the above things for my son. I am not sure why he does not see the light. I know that its heart breaking and I pray alot
I worry sick. my son is 34 years old he will be 34. He has a dog(that does not get along with other dogs) he refuses any suggestions that i have. he is now living in his truck and I am not sure how much longer that is going to last. We took him off the streets a couple of years ago. He promised this and that, but never did anything he prmised. what can I do? I pray for him and everytime I pray or think about him I just cry cry cry.
Wow, I too am thrilled to have found this site!! Does anyone find it interesting that we all have homeless sons….no daughters? I wonder why. Perhaps men can tolerate homelessness better than women. My son is 19, he was diagnosed with bi-polar at the tender age of 9. I thought the dr. who diagnosed him was crazy. After four more md confirmations, we put him on meds, took him to counselors, behavior coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists and a reiki master. Raising him was difficult. It seemed as if just getting out of bed was difficult for him even while on meds. He seemed to not be able to accomplish even the smallest of tasks. My son refuses to take responsibility for his actions, words, feelings, body, or environment.
My son is sleeping somewhere alone and vulnerable tonight after having chosen to not take any meds since his 18th birthday when we moved him out and after having alienated everyone he knows by attempting to use, manipulate, and disrespect them. My son will take whatever others will give, but has nothing to give in return. My husband and I have told him that we will not be supportive of him unless he is doing his part to keep himself healthy, ie., seeing his counselor, going to voc rehab and the like. My son would rather sleep on the streets than comply with any rules despite the fact that the rules are in place to ensure his and others’ safety.
We love our son. When the guilt seems overwhelming, I remind myself that mental illness cannot be cured, only managed, and that I need to have respect for my sons choices without judgement. I agree with the woman who said that she can only love and pray for her son. I pray that the sun shines on him, that he has food in his tummy, that he stay safe and that he knows and feels that he is loved. Giving my son any financial help at this point would be counterproductive. Life’s lessons are sometimes hard. If I continually break his fall, surely he will not grow into a mature individual who can make good decisions and respect himself.
I read all these letters and cried through most of them , i wish i would have found this site 5 yrs ago .I was dealing with all the drugs weed x meth coke etc my son was also stealing from me his friends his mom and worst of all his little brothers piggy bank , there was a time were i questioned he was mine as he was consumated out of wed lock from a 1 night stand and he was making so many stupid decisions ,I tried all the programs even the military kicked him out ,,,,, the only thing saved him was tough love …… now he works 2 jobs and is expecting his 1st child …. but i can relate to all these letters the sleepless nights not wanting to talk to him etc …. enough was enough when he came home xmas eve as i wanted his little brother to have a christmas with his big brother. then he passed out in front of his little brother due to zanax overdose/….so i had to make a decision and quick as he was destroying our family i got a trash bag loded up his clothes and put him out the door …. all the time holding back sobs …. i cried for 2 days when i relized i caused him to be homeless but i stuck it out, every time he would call wanting to come home i would tell him not yet he need to experience life so after finally hitting bottom he climbed his self out and started to better himself good luck to all parents…. sometimes what hurts us the most helps them the best
My son also is 27 years old. He is Bipolar. He has a history of drug abuse. I know he continues to drink even though he is on strong medicines. He and his girlfriend are about to be evicted in 2 more days. I have helped him set up house three times.
My husband and I can’t keep supporting him. I paid the electric for two months, except this month I took him to SS to apply for the money himself. I recently told him he couldn’t come back home. Last November he had a violent outburst at my home and was soon admitted in the hospital, that was when he was diagnosed bipolar.
He has a 15 month old baby. I hate answering the phone when he calls. He has been out of work about five months and dosen’t seem to even care! What am I going to say when Monday he calls and he loses yet another place to live? I have severe IBS and the stress makes it worse. I love him, but I can’t live with him. Any Advice? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. You may email me.
Hi there! I’m not sure how to email you. I can definitely relate but I am starting to feel a bit better about letting some of this go. “Parents should not have to suffer for the poor decisions of their children!” This was one of the more poignant messages I have realized so far by reading “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You” by Charles Rubin. He tried desperately to save his 2 drug addicted sons before finally realizing that no amount of begging, pleading, crying or helping them on their feet, was going to change the situation. They are where they are because they want to be. There was some parts of the book that I thought was a little harsh at first, but I have definitely felt a certain amount of peace in what he has to say. If nothing else, you will realize that you are not alone!
I have been surfing the web, desperately trying to find stories from people like me who have sons who are homeless and I finally found this, and feel much much better just knowing there are so many of us out there and I’m not alone. I sometimes look at my family and friends and ask myself, “why are their children so good/talented/settled - why is it my son who has drug problems etc etc etc.” Not nice, I know, but you must have all done it too :-)
My son is 29. He started going off the rails at around 15 but looking back on it, there was always something wrong with him. He was always sociable at school but never academically inclined. I now think part of his problem is that he cannot count and has no concept of numbers, dates, times etc. I think it’s called Dyscalculia - and he never got help for it. How can you survive in a world without being able to budget and count money and turn up at the correct time for work etc? Anyway, at age 17 and a half he finally left home with his then girlfriend and lived with her in squats for years, occasionally getting in touch with me when he felt like it. On his visits I would give them money, cigarettes, advice (plenty of that!) all to no avail. He got worse and worse. One day in 2003 he phoned me to say he had just realised he was transgender and that was the cause of all his problems. Yeh right. I think personally it was because he was about to go to prison for the umpteenth time and someone had told him if he said he was transgender he wouldn’t have to share a cell! I asked, “what about Catie?” and he said, oh she’s just realised she’s a lesbian! Anyway, since then he’s been in and out of jail and I’ve tried until I’m blue in the face to get him assessed under the Mental Health Act but they just say he is a confused young man. I could go on and on and on, but I won’t. I just wanted to say to all of you parents out there, God Bless each and every one of you and if you believe in reincarnation, then you will all come back in the next life and have a kid who is a genius and blesses you with lovely grandchildren and causes no problems whatsoever! Until then, I take comfort just knowing you’re all out there and I’m not alone in my suffering.
I am also in the same situation as you are. Here are the tools to take care of this situation. I have done all of the same stuff that you have done and again my son makes the wrong choices. I am a praying person and I want you to know that I have been praying for you and people like you and me in the same situation. We as mothers have done all we can now it is time for them to live their own life and all I can do now is pray for him. I can not control what he does so therefore I will pray for him and people like him. I feel everything I receive in life is from our Lord and I accept what I have and what I don’t have. I am a cancer survivor and have realized that I have placed my trust in the Lord who sustains all my needs. It has brought peace to my life and soul. Before I leave you I want you to know that I have been praying for you and your son as well and I want you to hear my prayer so that you may also find peace in your life and soul.
Blessed Heavenly Father:
I come to you Father with such thankfulness, thank you for my son, please help guide him through his life, show him the Way. I pray Heavenly Father for those who are like my son, give them the strength and endurance to live in this world and that all may come to know You, I lift up the mothers who are enduring the same situations I am Lord, give them the strength and endurance to keep trusting You and to know that all our sons will live their life for You, put a hedge of protection around them and keep them safe, that Your will be done in their life as well as ours. I love you Heavenly Father, in your precious Sons name I pray, Lord Jesus, Amen. Take Care. Dawn
thank you Dawn for that prayer - I am in the same situation.
I’m sorry to say this because people don’t like to hear the truth. Have you guys ever considered that the problem here is not your children but you. You let your emotions and parental instincts take over and turn you into enablers and cause more harm than good. True some situations require professional help but most situations are just a case of lazy kids that never learned the value of a dollar, how to earn a dollar, action and reaction and responsibility. This is caused by parents feeling sorry for their children as if they were going through similar hardships as children in third world countries. Your child is dependant on this weakness that turns you into their squirming little slaves ready willing and able to be there at their call. So you bust your butt working hard all day and come home to a child that wakes up at 3 and 4 in the afternoon waiting for you to whip up a meal so he or she can have a full belly before going back out all night to hang with their friends. God forbid you try to lecture them, you will only be labeled a party pooper who wants to make their life boring with the misconception that they are throwing their lives away. Aside from the maybe 20% that really need professional help, my solution for the other 80% is tough lough. Kick them out, change the locks and don’t allow them back until they have earned their high school diploma, GED and has held a full time job for more than six months with a savings account to match. Cry your heart out at night but be strong in their presence without bending one bit. Not even a dollar for a bag of chips. realize that you need to be in control and not be controled. Cast your weakness aside and, if you must, let yourself become angry at the fact that a child you raised and nurtured has the gall to take advantage of you in such a way. Good luck to you all and i’m sorry to say this but this is my tough love to you. STOP BEING WHIMPS………
Hey majestik… you obviously have not read through the posts on here because most of the people on here are no longer enabling their troubled children hence the title of the thread “my son is homeless…” that doesn’t mean we don’t still agonize over our decisions to make them accountable for their decisions. why do people feel the need to come onto a support board for people who have been through similar experiences and fire off rude comments just to try to make them feel worse?
Hey BOTH of you this post is 2 years old, the poster no longer needs your help try finding a uh RECENT post to bicker on
I am with the person who asked why is there no help for parents of homeless children. My son is 24 and will be 25 in a few months. I just got off the phone with him and he is homeless again. I say again because I stopped a long time ago from enabling him however his grandparents, aunt and uncle and recently his father who just got out of jail have all continued to send him money for a place a to stay and all it has done was enable him to stay in is situation. He was arrested and served time for oragnized crime, writting false checks. Sadly the officers say they do not believe he has a drug problem may too much alcholol. with my son it has been is stubburness and inablility to accept authority. He even joined the Navy, went awol they let him back in because he turned himself in then he went and got himself in trouble so they kicked him out. the hardest part is not having the support needed to remain strung. He calls when is has money to reactivate his cell phone and tries to play a guilt trip on all of us. We pray and tell him we love him but he is the one that has to make it on his own as he is the one that made the choices that have gotten him where he is. Where are the support groups????? I have searched and searched there is nothing I would start one if I knew where to begin.
Your Not Alone !!
is there a site where these homeless mentally disturbed young men/men became better people or have turned themselves into matured responsible men.
It’s been 1 year and 4 months since my last post. However, I visit this site often. It’s been a comfort.
My son is still homeless and now 20 years old. Usually, he sleeps in shelters or in abandoned homes.
I want to thank ‘Dawnmatter’ for posting that lovely prayer.
And I want to thank whoever recommended the book: Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You by: Charles Rubin. Wow! What a life saver that book has been.
To “G” I think there are more homeless Males (than females) Because people are more inclined to help females (Especially men). Girls can find places to stay. ~Just a thought.
Keep posting everyone. It’s good to know that we’re not the only parents in this situation.
i have a son in jail for drinking when he gets out he will be homeless ..i cant help anymore.my heart breaks god help me and others…
bettyiskoo: my son is in jail too. He is to be released in December. Like your son,he will be homeless. He has no coat, no money, no phone, and no family (as we can no longer offer him help).
Everyday I wonder, what will happen when he gets released?
Is there a place where these mothers can help each other… perhaps group prayers?
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