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well here i am…
in quite a mess i think. im so torn and confussed and i can tell no one of the real **** that goes on in my mind. Been marrried for 19 years. never married for love. i was 19 with two small children and i married the father of the second. well i quess we had a goodlife. he was pretty good to me. i was able to stay home most of the time working part time throughout the years. i know he loves me, and i am the one he wants, but i do not think i have ever felt that way bout him. more a marriage of convenience for me. so we raised the children 2 of ours and 2 of his. they are grown now. all but one moved away. as all the activity has quieted i find myself very alone and without a direction. I feel like my husband has spent the last 19 years on his career and his plans and i raised the kids and made him dinner eveyr night which was a requirement i might add. My daughter became ill 3 years ago, horrible the most horrible thing i have ever lived thru dont really know how she mamanged to get thru it. well she has found recovery but somewhere int he mix i lost something. i saw how life can be stolen from u in an instant. everything u want need and love just taken! and it pissed me off allot and i began to question EVERYTHING! and i saw how i had sold my life, just to be taken care of! and i had never really wanted to be with my husband, just a scared young girl who was terrified of the the thought of raising two children alone. BUT! i also came from a very abusive houseold grew up in preverted sexual and mental abuse and my husband was kind to me u know, BUT now looking back 20 years. i know i wasnt in the right state of mind to make any GOOD decisions. BUt i made the one i made and walked it out for the past 19 years. BUt recently i told my husband i was leaving him! and so for the last year that has been what has been happening. i tore my family apart! NOW i sit at the end of it all and wonder what i have done. the one man who cared for me and loved and adored me for 19 wasnt enough anymore. i mean he wasnt perfect we had issuses BELIEVE ME! lol but i dont know. i wonder if i should stay where i really dont want to be or should i go forward to the unknown possibly making a huge mistake! im lost, confussed and alone! and very sad! i have been in therapy for years do to the horrible abuse and i think i am as well as i can be with that! at some point u really just have to manage the symptoms i quess! i dont know! i wonder sometime if this inabilty to be happy stems from that??? maybe NO One will ever be enough???
This open post was written 6 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 120, 1, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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