Help help: How to deal with teenagers? - Help.com

We aren’t whores and liars, but it isn’t your fault we act like jerks.

Respect is key in a parent-teen relationship. Sadly, there is none of that between me and my mother. My dad and I were very different, and I will explain to you what I feel to be the most effective method of parenting.

Passive care, rational authority. Those phrases are as close to my dad’s parenting style as I could get in 4 words.

My dad was not a lazy man. He was a lawyer, but when he came home he was almost always found on the couch in front of the tv with a book. That’s the way he was. He cared about me and my sister more than anything, but did it without expelling much energy. He instilled in me my drive to succeed, and without hounding behind me like a watchdog or trying to govern my studies. He cared very deeply what happened to me, but he didn’t impose himself. This caused me to develop his mindset and work for myself, not because someone told me to.

More to come…

Wow, this is tough-sorry about all that is going on-I’m down but at least I don’t have that to deal with-I was a TERRIBLE teen-ager-My mother and father worked two jobs-I was an idiot-I caused them a lot of grief and now they are gone-My mother asked me one night when I came in about 4am if I could just give her a call and let her know that I was all right and who I was with,-i said “okay’ and from then on, no matter what, I called her, let her know where I was and Who I was with-she didn’t like it, but it was better than her not knowing and she could get some sleep so she could work two jobs in order to buy the kind of clothes, etc. It went straight over my head-I didn’t appreciate either of my parents, but I did love them more than life itself-I have many regrets-sit down withthem and tell them of your fears and concerns and try to make a pact about where and who they are with-tell them why-you just want to know that they are safe and will be coming home to you-it is a rebellious time and you’re probably trying to make a living and provide for them, and make sure they are safe-and they act like they don’t care-they act like you could vaporize and it would be okay-well, it wouldn’t be okay, but they obviously are going thru a lot-first being a teen-ager inhormonaloverdrive and then their parents splitting up-not to mention that teens are more savvy these days and they know that the country is in a mess-taking your children is admirable-not much thanks for it probably-if you can hang in there and be a good father and keep your sanity, you will probably be their hero again in about 10-12 years-that’s what happened to me-good luck and maybe there is a support group that you can go to-

if i dont say anything, the girls leave the house a mess, and talk or chat all day… my son wont do anything other than lock himself in his room….
when i ask for help, they scoff roll their eyes and ignore me, they study and i think they are good kids(they are mine after all)but, i feel that like their mother all they are going to do is back stabb me, im waiting for rome to fall, its like there are demons, hounding me and keeping me from being relaxed, all i want to do is have them be responsible happy adults, but they dont want that it seems, they would rather go out early and come home late, they rather not call, they rather scoff and roll their eyes, i feel, no i need that respect… with out it i feel like blowing my brains out, i feel like hitting them again, i feel that this stupid style of authoritative is b.s.

Rational authority. My dad was my dad. He made the rules, and expected us to follow. But he didn’t make the rules because he was the parent. He made them because I was his child. There is a difference. If you make rules because you’re a parent, you are bound to make some crap rules and then get angry that your child rebels. My dad made rules for me. And if I found what I thought was a crap rule or bad call, I would let him know. And his response would be to prove myself right and him wrong. I wanted to stay out later than usual one night, and let my dad know. He denied me, so I left the room for ten minutes and created an argument about how I should be able to stay out late. I came back and presented my argument to him. He was impressed, and I thought I was going to get my way. He then reminded me I had to be out of the house early the next day for something, and smiled and said, “still no.” He was right. And I couldn’t argue it. I left defeated, but not oppressed and ready to rebel.

The key truly is respect. If your teens think that you actually listen to them and care about their opinion, they will be less likely to disobey you. If you care without being overbearing, and let them make it on their own, they will be more mature and more likely to succeed.

Ok, I read your post, more to come…

OK. Make sure you let them know you value their opinion, and if they want to stay out late, make sure you have a good reason for saying no.

I would suggest backing off for awhile. Authoritarian parental rule is not good under almost any circumstance. Of course, neither is complete laissez faire parenting, if you could even call it parenting.

The trick really is respect. And they need to respect you as well. It doesn’t work only one way. Try showing them that they need you. Back off, and they will notice that they don;t do as well without their dad hollering at them. Then really try and be rational. Parent your teens with respect, and hopefully they will show you some in return. If not, then maybe boot camp?

Maybe tell them that you are going to change, and hope they do as well. Experiment. See what happens. Just remember. Mutual respect is the key. Good luck.

I have to agree with NikAngelo-you are the parent, but kids are so much more, how shall I say this without offending anyone, AWARE these days, about things that those of us that aren’t teens were oblivious to-Both sides are going thru some major changes-you have for whatever reason lost your partner, sorry-the kids have lost their mother in some respect because you say she left-well, you could have left,but you didn’t bail-so, you are the parent, you run the household, you buy their clothes, etc-I am sure the list is endless-you don’t want to stay mad all the time, you don’t want to blow your brains out, then they would have no one, and no place to call home-you are their home-I have to go here-canyou talk with someone at your church or the school counselors might can suggest a support group-Have you thought about a truce? Asking them to sit down and see if you can come to terms with some of these issues? You said you want them to act like adults-THEY ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE-you aresetting yourselfupif you think they are going to act like adults whenyou are the bread winner,etc Get them al together-turn off all phones,and other distractions, sit down and talk with them-and if you get nowhere, try the counselors, or at least a support group of people that are in the same predicament that you are in-do you ever get out? I mean, your kids do-they are having a good time and releasing their stress by being with their friends, because that is who they can relate to-Have you tried having some time for you? It may help you cope-you are red-lining with stress and this is not good for your children or you

Now that is a 14-year old that if I had ever had children, I would’ve wanted one just like her-well-grounded, and respects her parents-this is so tough because every family is different, but I think you have been given some rather good advice tonight from some younger people who know what it is like to be a teen these days-

I was talking about a counselor for HIM-he needs crisis-intervention-sometimes it helps no matter what the problem(s), and sometimes it doesn’t

No, I am sorry for not being a little more clear-this guy is in a very bad situation-one that could affect him and his children and others for a very long time-time for lights out for me, but y’all keep on giving the great advice-it really helps-gives people hope, know what I mean? Hope is something we all need-

i raised my kids with a firm hand, i was not always home cus i had to work, but god help if i wouldnt hit those kids, and let my authority known… i blame their mother… i blame that *****… she is the one who destroyed everything… im trying to be nice and have them be happy, but they arent showing me respect anymore… what the **** am i supposed to do? idk if i wanna go to a counselor, and i guess i could talk to them, but what if it doesnt work, then they will think im weak and that they can walk all over me.

The only way they will think you are weak is if this continues as is. Don’t you see? They are reacting to you and you are reacting to them. It is a tug-of-war and at this juncture, I don’t see how you or the kids can be objective. You are sooo angry and I am not saying you don’t have a right to be, but those kids are human beings too. I would think they are pretty angry too, and they may have some guilt issues, also. Look, I am not a counselor, but I do know there are people that you can talk to and do some networking and maybe find a little peace. You CAN NOT let this anger destroy your famly. So, she’s a *****, so I could tell you stuff about my ex that would curl the hair in your ears, if you have any there. We all go thru crises in our lives. The thing for you to do is to look for help and try to move on. You need to rise above the anger and everything that goes with it when you have been betrayed and provide your children with a strong, rational role model. Getting caught up in this anger will destroy you and your family. YOu need to consult not only with a counselor for grief and anger management, but if you are a Christian, you need to get on your knees and pray. But, if you are not a Christian, your higher power, whomever, whatever you want to call your higher power needs to be consulted about this. I don’t want to preach,really I do not, but I am in a very bad situation myself, and if I did not believe that God was going to see me through, I do not know what I would do! And I am not a Southern Baptist walking around thumping a Bible. I am a person who believes that God has a plan, we all need help, and you have to clear your head and ask for it! Gosh, you need somebody to help you through this, but the first person you talk to if you decide to do it, may or may not be the person you develop a rapport with. Sometimes you have to try talking to two or three before you find the one counselor you can relate to and trust. You are an adult-your children are not-you have the power to make these decisions, and I promise you once you get rid of some of this baggage, you are going to be able to work your way out of a wet paper bag-all of this hostility, I could not go to sleep thinking about it! So, Igot back up-lo and behold, you sound like you’re ready to punch somebody, so get some help, go outside and take some good deep breaths-think about where you can start-Look, you and your wife’s problems are just that-you and your wife’s-the kids don’t want to hear their mom called a *****, if she is their biological mother-this has got to stop-it starts with you being the adult, and realizing you need help to get through this-Let us know how you are doing-you think nobody gives a****, well, you are wrong,people care, but you have to care enough to do whatever it takes to keep your family together-

Treat them the way you would like to be treated. Calling them whores and liars is not a good start.