Joz wrote:
Nice. I liked it.
thanks!
I really like the last line: “It is to live ones life beneath the net” The third stanza I think needs work, its too neat with its rhyme, needs something with more substance like the last line. Good Luck ;)
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ablution00 wrote:
I really like the last line: “It is to live ones life beneath the net” The third stanza I think needs work, its too neat with its rhyme, needs something with more substance like the last line. Good Luck ;)
yeah your right…
I was only 15 when I wrote this, that is over 10 years ago… It is rough and truth be told it needs work… Im just never good at finishing things I start…. thanks
wow, you have natural talent. thanks for sharing
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QueenofHearts wrote:
thumbs up, i dug it:)
Cheers!
I got peed-off when I knew I had to say sorry to okei!, and yourself, again.
Tried to ignore, cant. Want to make friends again. If possible
You have nothing to apologize 4. It was funny as.
we are your friends!
Back after long interuption. Hardly dare to believe Yourself and Okei! still have time for me. Hug each. I was angry at you both, ok yes, at me most of all. Then two, or is it three days later I miss you both again. Just a little confusing. BTW the Avatar used not me but Walt Whitman in his old age. For what its worth, he was over three times your age and I about 2/3rds of his. Lets keep it just a little obscure for the sake of decency. Got to go again, this time to sleep, and hope the tree surgeon at the rear has taken the hint to queue his queries ’til I’ve had a few hours at least.
That was one of the most meaningful poems I have read in a long time. Short and sweet!
Sean-Ohayo wrote:
That was one of the most meaningful poems I have read in a long time. Short and sweet!
thanks heaps!
agitater5 wrote:
Back after long interuption. Hardly dare to believe Yourself and Okei! still have time for me. Hug each. I was angry at you both, ok yes, at me most of all. Then two, or is it three days later I miss you both again. Just a little confusing. BTW the Avatar used not me but Walt Whitman in his old age. For what its worth, he was over three times your age and I about 2/3rds of his. Lets keep it just a little obscure for the sake of decency. Got to go again, this time to sleep, and hope the tree surgeon at the rear has taken the hint to queue his queries ’til I’ve had a few hours at least.
angry at us? And yourself? It was a moment in time my friend, and not a bad one I thought… hahaaahhaah
So the pic of walt is gone huh… oh I will miss that beard haahhaa
sleep well..
The first three phrases made me think that you were describing som egame like football. lol
A punishment more worse than death,
Is to live ones life beneath a net.
+
Whatever insane, is enough said,
Now I’m goin to put my head back in the bed. (just kidding)
Nice poem. G8 job. keep it up.
yeah I was only 15 or so when I wrote it..
hahaaa thanks
Anonymous
#
7 months ago (1 day, 23 hours after post)
This one is well worth more work,the ideas are there. More will come if you re-work. memories contain feelings. words & ideas often come with conventional feelings already in them. There is room for you to add your feelings, modifying the conventioal.
Just reminding you, you’ve got the talent.
People see that.
Verses,lines and words that dont quite work are’nt good enough, they let your talents down, and your readers too. Your readers see the poet in you and want you to succeed.
Drafts 1, 2, 3….. can be tedious. When your horse smells the stable, what happens? She picks up her pace, forgetting the hard slog before.
All the best :)
Anonymous wrote:
This one is well worth more work,the ideas are there. More will come if you re-work. memories contain feelings. words & ideas often come with conventional feelings already in them. There is room for you to add your feelings, modifying the conventioal.
Just reminding you, you’ve got the talent.
People see that.
Verses,lines and words that dont quite work are’nt good enough, they let your talents down, and your readers too. Your readers see the poet in you and want you to succeed.
Drafts 1, 2, 3….. can be tedious. When your horse smells the stable, what happens? She picks up her pace, forgetting the hard slog before.
All the best :)
thanks, Ill try to finish what I start in the future…lol
Anonymous
#
7 months ago (1 day, 23 hours after post)
Hope its some help,I owe you. :)
Anonymous wrote:
Hope its some help,I owe you. :)
Definitly helps I like constructive feedback.
I dont know who u r but u and no one else I have helped owes me anything.
I care cause I do… cant help it.
agitater5 wrote:
You know Walt, :)
oh hun.. hi.
u r wise my friend.
We must all assimilate or pay the price. Big brother is watching. I say F#@! them…dare to be different!!! Be true to yourself and you can’t be wrong :)
Eddieee wrote:
We must all assimilate or pay the price. Big brother is watching. I say F#@! them…dare to be different!!! Be true to yourself and you can’t be wrong :)
hahaha yeah stuff being a sheep..
I like the poem, it’s nicely done : ]
BlackDahlia56 wrote:
I like the poem, it’s nicely done : ]
thanks a lot hun
ablution00
QueenofHearts
agitater5
Sean-Ohayo
Chipku
Eddieee
BlackDahlia56