Okay, so here’s something I really need your opinions on. - Help.com

Try to deal with it; maybe go to therapist or something like that if he is really trying to change! If they love each other, every help from aside is welcome!
Child’s safety is the most important, so they have to find way to deal with it.

With the little info you’ve given, I’d say it’s best for the child not to witness any violence between it’s parents- even if that means leaving him. Some people really can change, but from personal experiance- if he’s hit you or the kid even once, no matter what he SAYS he’ll do to change, it WILL continue to happen. But like I said, not everyone’s like that. Keep the kids best interests at the top of the list for this situation. Best of luck to you.

signmycast wrote:
I understand that it will take time for him to change and I can understand where you are coming from but he is different.

is he devoted to you as both a lover, friend, and human being?

as in true feality, as in he would love you even if you were a dude.

signmycast wrote:
If I were a completely different person of course he wouldn’t love me

Well, would he love you as a man loves his country or his god: he loves you as more than some worldly object but as an ideal to be praised.

signmycast wrote:
How would I know. Only one who’d know that would be himself..

ture, but the point is, does he love selfishly or selflessly: a selfish person may change but only to keep you, while a selfless person has problems but only because they are ignorant of your needs.

signmycast: you don’t seem to have much insight to your lover’s modviations in life: maybe you ought to try talking more, eh?

I voted “end the relationship” Here’s why:

Its not that I think that people like this fellow can’t change, he can indeed, if he wants to. But I think he has some issues he has to deal with. he has to get his head on straight and start thinking about his future, who he wants to become, what he wants to accomplish, etc. I mean if he’s really preparing himself for a change, he needs to put himself before everyone, at least just for now.

So I think it would be best for them to part ways and get themselves figured out, if for no other reason than because in order to have a successful, loving relationship, you must first learn to respect and love yourself. And that is a lot harder to do when your having to keep someone else in mind at all times.

signmycast wrote:
I’ll be honest. I really hate to hear that. But that’s exactly why I asked. Because I won’t say them myself. On one hand I see it like ‘He’s changing for us. For me. He loves me. We can do this.’ but on the other, I understand exactly what you mean.

I think this an appropriate time to use a cliche - if you love something, let it go.

The best thing for him to do is put himself first. Let him know that you will be there to support him, but give him his space. He shouldn’t be changing for you, he should be changing for him.

usurper wrote:
I voted “end the relationship” Here’s why:

Its not that I think that people like this fellow can’t change, he can indeed, if he wants to. But I think he has some issues he has to deal with. he has to get his head on straight and start thinking about his future, who he wants to become, what he wants to accomplish, etc. I mean if he’s really preparing himself for a change, he needs to put himself before everyone, at least just for now.

So I think it would be best for them to part ways and get themselves figured out, if for no other reason than because in order to have a successful, loving relationship, you must first learn to respect and love yourself. And that is a lot harder to do when your having to keep someone else in mind at all times.

I really do agree with this.

this is a tough one, because people can change. however, i think they should both take some time apart. he needs to really figure himself out and make sure he is ready to make the change and commit to it. she needs time alone to evaluate if she really wants to be in the relationship. many times, staying together means things will happen again, so time apart may get both parties to realize if this is something they want to pursue or part ways.

Since he is trying to change, I would stay with him and support him. I’d make a deal with him; as soon as he became abusive, I would leave him

n0tacr00k wrote:

signmycast wrote:
How would I know. Only one who’d know that would be himself..

ture, but the point is, does he love selfishly or selflessly: a selfish person may change but only to keep you, while a selfless person has problems but only because they are ignorant of your needs.

This is a profound insight. I have found this in both of my serious adult relationships. People can do things on differnt levels too. He may stop hitting you and start calling you bad names or lying to you to get his way. This will eventually build the tension back up and youll be at square one. Prepare yourself for him not to return. In my case (reference post 1) My break down was initiated by the fact that he admitted he did not love me in the first place, does not want responsibilty and was lying the whole time to get me in bed. He refuses to be the stand up person I want him to be and is showing signs of being with someone else.

See how sick and twisted it can get!!!!

Signmycast: from experience you may set yourself up for disappointment. Dont let the bad apple spoil you bunch. Keep moving on and up. The right thing will come along. Keeping you hope out for him will only strain your emotions and conscience. Very important commodities. You should only sell to the highst bidder (GOD) and only lend it to those who would do the same for you when your in need.

I have experienced a man doing something for me because he wanted to make me happy. The result= he was not happy and left me with three children. If he does not know the difference between love and makin someone happy there will be issues down the road.

Its always a hard decision. follow ur heart. what doesnt kill will make you stronger

I think if he is too violent that not only is this bad for the kid -depression ? etc. That it will effect and disturb your whole family life .. if you see change in him there is hope but if he is the same as he was before his councelling then,, if he isn’t changing now, how is there any hope if he will ?

I think this is a question you should be asking other people for. This is something you should figure out based on your relationship. If he really loves you then give him time, he will come through. But if you feel something missing then you should let him go and give him time. Then when HE feels he’s better then you should give him a chance. Wouldn’t hurt to try.
If you need someone to talk to just email me at ronrodg53(at)yahoo(dot)com