death help: I am feeling immense pain and guilt about my lovable dogs death. - Help.com

I am feeling immense pain and guilt about my lovable dogs death.

He died less than 48 hours ago, and I can’t stop replaying the incident over and over again in my mind. He was 15 years old, lived an amazing healthy long fun life and traveled cross country with me and was given ridiculous amounts of love from me and was well known in the neighborhood as the coolest dog who just keeps fighting to live. He had a zest for life and we had the deepest connection. Here’s the part that is killing me…
He was diagnosed with Vestibular (old dog disease)a year and a half ago and couldn’t walk all of a sudden. After taking him to the vet they said he was either going to recover fully or not and fade. I was profusely crying laying on his bed with him for 4 days and told him I’m not ready for him to go over and over and to please fight and I love him so much. I talked about our travels, etc.. and kept crying. Four days later we took him out, and he started to walk slowly like a little drunk guy, wobbling etc.. He recovered and went on to live more than a year an half more. Approximately 6 weeks ago, he wasn’t walking again since that first time long ago. I brought him to the vet and he stayed for the afternoon and recievd lots of I.V. fluids and steriods. He was just getting really old now being he’s 15. When I picked him up he still wasn’t walking but I just knew he was gonna walk again. He did the next day and was awesome for 3 weeks being on Azium and Meclizine. He then started not to walk again, so we went back into the vet to get his steriod shot and he took Azium (steriod) and Meclizine (for his dizziness)once a day again. But it didn’t work and I was crying again because four days have passed and he was not walking and so I called to have a vet come to my house to put my little love down peacefully, and lo and behold when I read him my goodbye letter and called the creamatory guy, 10 min’s into my conversation he put his paw on my leg as if to tell me something. I took it as he was giving me his blessing. I carried him outside so we can lay in the sun together and he can feel the warmth on his achy frail bones, and I can feed him tons of healthy treats. I then couldn’t believe it, he had his little chicken stick hanging out of his mouth and pushed himself up and I helped him with his back legs and he started to walk! So, I reached in my pocket for my cell and called the vet asap and crematory guy to cancel!!! He was telling me he’s a fighter and isn’t ready. That’s my boy. I was SO happy that I could possible have a bit more time with him. He walked for a week and a day and continued taking Azium and Meclizine everyday. Saturday came around, and when I woke, at the same time I opened my bedroom door, I heard a noise but was sleepy so I didn’t even think twice about it. Thought it was my neighbors or something. I went straight out to check my dog and laid next to him as usual to love him and and see how he was doing. He had a very small amount of diarrehea on the pee pad and it had some bright red blood in it but I wasn’t sure that it was at the time. This was for sure the first time this has happened since I have been very aware when he goes to the bathroom all the other days. So I called the vet to schedule the “put down” the next day because I said that the minute I see he has the potential to suffer then I’m calling and giving him a peaceful passing here with me holding him. I knew now this was his time. I left the house for two hours to see my own doctor (i couldnt’ breath without it hurting (stress) and when I came back, again, as I was opening the back door I heard that same noise I heard earlier but it was muffled since the back door makes noise too. As always the first thing I do when I walk in the door is go over to cuddle with my boy. He seemed the same as before but breathing a bit heavier now through his nose. I called my mom and she heard him through the phone when I held it up to his nose. I tried to give him water and sit him up but he refused to drink. Everyday I had to help him drink and he would be stubborn but would end up drinking the whole bowl when I persisted. This time he persisted that he didn’t want any. So, I let him relax back down on his pillows. Then I tried to feed him and he refused since he wasn’t eating for days and I was administering at home i.v. bags to him. So, I gave him a half a bag to hydrate him and I checked his gums and saw they were getting paler and paler and sticky and I remembered the vets assistant telling me thats not a good sign. I figured he may be dying naturally with me and would be fine until the morning if I just kept him hydrated or would die in my arms peacefully. So, when the i.v. was finished I tried again to take some water in his mouth with a dropper. He was clenching his jaw as if to tell me NO! So I let him be and went to the computer and googled a bunch of symptoms, couldn’t find anything. I knew white gums means he’s nearing the end. He then let out a strange bark, like a yelp, and that was the noise I’ve been hearing! I went over to him, and laid down to hold him and see if I can “read” what he wanted. I called the emergency animal hospital and explained what was happening. The girl told me they couldn’t give out any advice over the phone and I said he’s being put down tomorrow morning at his home but I didn’t want to have him suffer that night if I saw he could go in that direction. I said I didn’t want to bring him into the hospital for the doctor to tell me that “he’s old”. She agreed. So, I asked if a doctor could call me back and give me some advice or giving him something to relax him for the night. They never called me back in time let alone at all.
When I hung up with them I rubbed him and comforted him and then persisted to try and give him water. He wasn’t budging but finally he felt the water from the dropper on his tongue and it must have felt nice because I then attempted to give him some water on the side of his mouth like I did his whole life when we hiked, and he started lapping it up and I thought, yay, he’s drinking, and immediately right after he threw it up, and all of a sudden he went into shock within seconds!!!! I didn’t understand and even believed what was happening! I held him and panicked and cried and he slipped right into a coma and still had his eyes wide open and breathing very shallow now. I thought he had died b/c his breathing would stop and then start again. I was devastated and instantly felt it was my fault. If I didn’t give him the water he would have been put down peacefully the next day. And then I think he could have went into shock that night while I was sleeping and had it happen by himself. I researched after the fact about “shock symptoms” and he had all the classic stages from 1 -3. If only the girl on the phone could have told me when I gave her the symptoms that they were serious! I just did what I did for the past 6 weeks… gave him water, i.v. loved him. I wanted to keep him hydrated and comfortable, but instead cheated him and me his peaceful death, and I’m just sick about it, truly sick about it. I rushed him to the hospital holding him while my friend drove and I he died in my arms as we arrived but didn’t even know me since he was in a coma the whole time. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I can’t stop thinking about it and have been crying ever since. Looking back I see he was trying to tell me with signs (refusing to drink, little barks)to help him or for me to do something. If only I’d had known he was at the early stages of shock. My research led me to discover that in the early stages usually a trained eye could detect it. Still doesn’t help me though b/c I feel I should have read my boo better. I thought water could only be the best thing and the usual i.v. I still don’t understand or believe it happened. He didn’t seem in pain at all. Just a bit restless that morning but looked frightend and in pain when he threw up and went into shock. Right now, I hate life. I hate this happend to him. He deserved a peaceful death. My best friend, brother, jester, and constant companion and sometimes even mother to me passed on in a way I never envisioned for the end of his perfect beautiful life. I hope my guilt dissipates……
Life doesn’t always go the way we plan it to. :-( I miss and love him so terribly much. The pain is unbearable. But, I know he’d want me to be happy, and hopefully he knows I was trying to help him and he can forgive me.

This open post was written 7 months ago | V/U/S: 183, 4, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

DOG, death, Guilt (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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