Mental Preoccupation …
With thinking.. thinking about things, thinking about how to think properly. Thinking about praying, thinking about prayer, thinking about good and being good, praying that I will be good, that I will act good and think good things.
Thinking about myself and my relationships, prioritizing my thinking over everything else. Living in my head, living in my bed, in my dreams, trying to sleep all day and all night, taking three baths in the day just to keep myself calm.
Avoiding my work. Worrying about my problems. Obsessing over my inequities, arguing with my father, arguing with myself over the causes of the problems, musing on solutions, finding answers in habits of thought, establishing new habits of thought, finding myself obsessing over newly estblished habits of thought, finding that the new habits don’t activate me any more than the old ones.
Thinking about drugs and side-effects, feeling the drugs working in my head, feeling calm and full but wondering if they will work in the way I need them to.
Arguing with my dad, worrying and worrying and worrying and worrying, as if it were a hobby, as if I am gaining something through years and years of isolation, of personal thinking… never getting anywhere in life.
Thinking that what I think has some importance or relevance to the world, thinking that I am someone special, or would be if only I could stop thinking and start doing, or, more aptly, start finishing the things I start.
Worrying about myself. Incessantly. Worrying about my position and my lack of industry. Worried, scared, helpless…
Since writing this post Rand0 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Rand0 is a verified member, has been around for 5 years, 2 months and has 140 posts and 1,831 replies to their name.
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