school help: My brother has a very very mild form of mental troubles, which causes people to assume that he is somwhat ret*rded. - Help.com

First, you need to understand that retarded is not a curse word, it is an accutate description of some forms of mental handicaps..

If your brother does have mental retardation, or any severe mental problems that would prevent him from functioning normally or making rational decisions, then this needs to be turned over to a mental health professional.

If he is fine and functional, then he needs to make his own decisions. You dont say why he moved out, beyond mad at your mother, nor how old he actually is.

If he is below 18, in most states in the US, your parents can be held criminally liable for neglect if anything happens to him.

need more details to really help you.

I think the three of you should get together and iron out whatever problems there are. I have a few family members who act the same way and the problem is “they seem to be swayed easily by manipulating people” and they get into trouble.

Here in the US there are a lot of agencies that help young people with food and lodgings. One of them is Uncommon Ground. They try to bring families together and work things out.

The family can’t use tough love too much in your brother’s case because he hasn’t the maturity and knowledge that people his own age have. Is there any one else in the family, perhaps an uncle that can talk to him? He may respect what a man has to say to him more than his mother right now.

I don’t know how old he is but young people do strange things and forget the people they love the most. Like is he is hungry, he is not going to remember or think about Mother’s Day believe me.

He’s 5 months shy of legal age. I don’t live with my mother. I’m an adult, with a family, including a new baby. He does dumb stuff, even though he DOES know better.
1.skipping classes, bc he can sign himself out. At his age and the school is powerless to stop it)
2. smoking
3. getting involved in physical fights
4. hanging with “normal” (but stupid) kids that do drugs and drink and following those influences
5. Is VERY VERY lazy and does NO work. (showering, brushing teeth included)

She spoiled him and didn’t discipline beyond yelling. My dad taught him to lie really well. He is a genius at it. He is stubborn and won’t go home. How can I stay out of it when they are both calling me constantly to fix it? I was always expected to be his second mom. She needs my help, bc she is incompetent as a parent. He needs me bc of that, and he knows that I’m always there. I am just tired of being needed and not wanted. I don’t want to see him starve, but I don’t want to bail him out. He needs to see that there are consequences for his actions.

Anyway, he does wrong. Mom finds out. She yells. He gets angry. It’s a cycle. I’ve explained it to him but he just thinks that she is unreasonable. When I stick up for her, he thinks that I am unreasonable too. He asked if he could live with me. I had to say no. He does and says bad/rude/ignorant things that I wouldn’t allow around my kids. He thinks that they are funny.

Maybe he could get into a group home or program.

you need to walk away from it all, and focus on your family. seriously

I had a family member (cousin)that acted the same way. He couldn’t or wouldn’t apply himself and the cops caught up with him and charged him with drunk driving.

He was very likable and everyone that saw him at different times said “he was a wonderful worker”. They didn’t realize that he work when he felt like it.

He came to stay with me for almost a year, everything was great starting out and he found a job at a tire place changing oil, etc. Pretty soon from drugs and alcohol he couldn’t get up in the morning. One of the conditions of staying at my house was to get his GED. He kept avoiding that. The people at the tire place called me and told me they are firing him. He robbed money and items from everyone in the family, including me.

He spent a month in jail, then another month in rehab, and I drove him around to counseling and other places for help.

He drifted back and forth from the streets to his Mom’s house, to his friends house. Finally his mother kicked him out and he contacted Uncommon Ground and his father down in Florida and then we moved him to Florida.

He is highly intelligent but uses his own principles to get on with life. He and his father like the drifter’s life, they like being free and not committed to any thing really. I think it’s biological.

He now has a job a Paramount studios and was employee of the month (go figure). He found someone down in Florida to share an apartment with so all is going well.

The thing I assumed was that while he was on drugs and alcohol, it was my belief that he couldn’t think straight. I was wrong, he could come up for air and when he did he was a manipulator and a user. He liked the excitement in his life. He needed it to feel alive.

My suggestion is not to take this upon yourself but, each time he calls use “Tough Love” with him and your mother. Tell him to do the manly thing and make up with his mother. Tell your mother that this is between him and her and that she needs to seek counseling on order to deal with him.

You deserve to be respected and not dumped on. Do what you can, like give him a list of places or groups where he can sort out his life. He still is making choices that influence his life. Tell him that he can go to the library to get nfo about groups and such. The Salvation Army feeds people daily, so there is food.

I cried a lot over my cousin, I loved him so much. But, each of us has to choose our own way by learning the easy way or the hard way. When someone like your brother or my cousin looks and finds trouble people everywhere want to put the blame on the family. They are free thinking adults and they are game playing to get their way.

Good luck to you…I hope everything works out.

My mother expects for me to deal with him and be his parent, as always. I am more nearly 15 yrs older than he is. I’ve always parented him. The school always calls me before they bother to call her. Half of the time they don’t call her at all. (even during potentially life threatening situations where he hadn’t been breathing well, twice!) I think that they believe that she is incapable and unwilling to parent.

I try to help him, but he is BAD! He moved out last week, has moved twice since that time. He stopped attending school. He isn’t able to get a job, so he isn’t eating. He smokes. (though not now, bc he can’t afford to, LOL.) He isn’t doing school work in the little time that he has spent there, and is constantly getting suspended, or signing himself out, or just jigging.

I feel bad for him in a way, but when are all leading him to water. He just refuses to try to drink. I am tired of holding the pail up. I don’t want him getting kicked out for good, but I don’t want it affecting my family either. My girls will be looking up to his example. I don’t want my children doing what he is doing. My arms legs and back have been holding pails of water for him for the last 6 months. I can’t hold them any more. I told him that he is burning bridges and that he should think about it. I asked how many people are ever around when he needs them. He said not many. I told him that it becomes awefully difficult to cross a burned bridge. I told him that he has burned a few bridges already and that if he wasn’t careful that he would burn the bridge with me. He doesn’t really care. He pretends to listen.

I had to try to explain things to his teacher and his vice principal today. I have a feeling that they will kick him out for good tomorrow. I am expecting the call. At least his project is finished. I picked him up, made him come to my house. I made him sit in one chair. I told him to speak, and I would type bc I type fairly fast. He didn’t leave that chair for two whole hours. Then I fed him bc he was starving. When that was over, I drove him home. I don’t think that it made ANY difference. He will be just as useless tomorrow as he was today. I feel discouraged and angry that I help him while he continues to be angry.
Today was the worst day! I wish I had seen this thread before I went out today. I might have made different choices as far as helping him is concerned.

Thank you everybody!

“I had to try to explain things to his teacher and his vice principal today.” I should explain that. Each of them had called me independantly from each other, with no knowledge that the other had intentions of calling me. They called to see what I knew. I told them most of it. I wrote a letter to them tonight to explain the rest. I made my brother sign it. It said many things.

One thing my brother got really mad at was that I encouraged them to keep contacting us so that we can keep aiming him towards graduation. He was mad bc he didn’t want my mother to know anything. He wants her to be in the dark. I informed him that both the teacher and the vice principal had called me and the vice principal had planned on calling mom.

My brother said that he was angry at the vice principal and planned to yell at him tomorrow bc last week my brother had said for him not to contact my mother again at her work. (She has no other number.) I told my brother that that man was following the letter of the law. He had a responsibility to tell her because they can’t just take any student’s word that they moved out. Most kids say that to try to get the school not to call their parents bc they don’t want to get in trouble for doing bad things. I think that he understood, but he was still mad. Too bad for him!

I know you feel in your heart that you are his only lifeline to reality. I don’t want you to feel that a person shouldn’t care about his family (brother) but, what I learned from taking care of my cousin was that everything will be on his terms whether I liked it or not.

I too felt that I held his survival in my hands, that I could make a difference picking of the pails of water and lifting it for him to drink but some people have to learn by experience. We can not tell them and have them internalize the info and act upon it.

I didn’t like my cousin going to jail for a month, he’d cried when his mother and I went to see him and said it was all the fault of the police (immaturity). Try to explain to him that drunk driving was against the law and all he wanted is revenge. So we didn’t go to see him again until he was out because we didn’t see any change on his part. No remorse, etc. Just the world is ready to do me in.

I read all the info I could find on teenagers and the way they act. Everything was about how the parents didn’t raise them right, etc.

I was raised by two woman and they in turn they raised eight kids. Seven girls and one boy. We had such rough times, I can’t tell you how dismal it was. I can say that when I was twelve I knew the difference between right and wrong. All of us stuck together and even though we had a meager living we would do anything for each other.

Your brother like my cousin, has no respect for authority and will seek any opportunity to look like a disadvantaged person. Even when my cousin was arrested at 16 and sent to a juvenile state home, he received so much pity, yes that’s right pity, from the staff there… that he felt that he was justified in all the things that he did at school and the robberies that he committed, after all as he said he was hungry.

My advice is to do what you can and let him step up to the plate and try to straighten his life out. If he decides that he doesn’t want to and goes to jail, then that is his decision. Even, if he acts like he is hard to reach, I can honestly say that he knows right from wrong. He is acting out in defiance because he is trying to be a man and he doesn’t want to be like society wants him to be.

I don’t believe you will be able to reach until he decides that he really wants to be different. It took us 8 years from the time my cousin was 12 till he was 20.

If you have deep guilt feelings, you may go to one of the groups that help young people and talk to them about your brother. They have some tools that may help him grow up. Good luck to you, I hope he starts to turn around.

NoGifts wrote:
I’m sorry about this bad situation. You love your brother and want to take care of him, your mom loves your brother is also doing something “for his own good.” Does your mom want him to come home too? Is that why she doesn’t want you to make it easier for him to stay away? I don’t think he WILL starve, because he can actually come home if he gets desperate. If that is the case, this is really a battle of mom against brother, and you should likely stay out of it. You could tell him that if he gets hungry he should come back home because you both want him there.

~yes, she wants him home bc she is worried about the people his is hanging with. She knows where she is and what he is up to if he lives at home.

~She doesn’t want me to feed him for two reasons. She thinks that that will help him to make a decision to go home quicker. She knows that we will have no income for three months, with our own 5 mouths to feed, so we can’t afford it.

~She lives over a 30 minute drive from here and he goes to school here. He can’t just go there when she is out.

~ They won’t keep me out of it. Both keep calling me and yesterday the school called me twice. One was the teacher and the other was the vice principal.

~ I do want him home, but most of all I want for him to start to take responsibility for himself.

I do think that I will ask them all to keep me out of it. I told my brother that he is burning one of the only bridges that he has left. Many other people have left him and won’t help him. I told him that this (getting back into school and doing his work) was the last time that I would help him if he didn’t start trying.

original AKS wrote:
First, you need to understand that retarded is not a curse word, it is an accutate description of some forms of mental handicaps..

I know that it isn’t a curse, but it offended somebody on here a few weeks ago.

original AKS wrote:
If your brother does have mental retardation, or any severe mental problems that would prevent him from functioning normally or making rational decisions, then this needs to be turned over to a mental health professional.

My mom won’t let him talk to a pro. she is paranoid that he would tell all of HER short-comings.

original AKS wrote:
If he is fine and functional, then he needs to make his own decisions. You dont say why he moved out, beyond mad at your mother, nor how old he actually is.

Because he wanted things his way. He didn’t like her rules. Here’s the LONG version.

refusing to:
stop being lazy
stop smoking
start showering/brushing teeth/putting on deodorant/get a hair cut/wash is clothes
start exercising
stop eating junk
stay in school
go to classes
stop getting suspensions
go home to where he belongs
stop hanging out with druggies/alkies and smokers
stop smoking
stop lying
stop trying to sort other people’s conflicts that they cause (ok, admittedly, I am a bad example to follow, bc I am trying to help him)
stop manipulating
get a job
to pay for some food
stop using people
start listening and fllowing sound advice
He takes NO responsibility.

He failed KINDERGARTEN. Then in junior high he was being picked on a LOT. My mother “home school” (aka let him do nothing and considered trips to the grocery store as math, social studies and personal develpment courses.)She kept him home doing nothing for two full years. He’s on the verge of being kicked out. They said to me this morning that if he remains in school, then that still isn’t a guarantee that they will allow him back in the fall. He was suppose to graduate last year, as with most of the kids born in the same year that he was. So basically, he lost three yrs of school. He is now in school with young kids, and he is nearly legal age. He feels like an idiot, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS. (mean but true) As it stands, he’s supposed to graduate in June of 2011. That’s 3 years after everybody else his age.

The SHORT version: He’s a brat.

original AKS wrote:
If he is below 18, in most states in the US, your parents can be held criminally liable for neglect if anything happens to him.

not under 18, not in the US. He won’t go home. There is nothing they can do about it.

original AKS wrote:
need more details to really help you.

maybe that was detail enough, but here’s more: To clarify, my mom was able to write small papers for the school board to use in order to decide on his placement grade when he was to return to school. She had saved the few (probably ten) little papers that she had used to teach him small things on during the course of the two years that he was out.

He was allowed back at school, and bc he had done some work, but was still behind, they put him back by ONE grade from where he was supposed to be. He should only be one year behind. He should be graduating this June. He hasn’t even passed one credit during this entire school year.

He needs 17 to graduate. If he attends summer school, which costs either 200/course or 250 for two courses, he may graduate by January of 2011 IF HE FAILS NOTHING between now and then. If he takes summer school next year, he may be able to have a smaller work load for the sept to Jan semester of 2010-2011, which means that he COULD do better if he chose. The problem is this: I know that he won’t choose to do well bc again, he is an idiot. oops, that was anon me, by accident. LOL

Seems to me he needs to get work. Something a guy like himself could do.

I called him tonight. I told him about my one hour meetung with the vice principal. I told him that the guy told me that if he missed ANY school between now and the nd of the year that he’d be kicked out permanently. I spoke to him about courses for next semester and course requirements for graduation. We also spoke about summer school and how it would look better for him to be allowed to return if he attended and PASSED.

I asked how he would be getting back and fourth …(cabs are 30$ one way, no buses travel to our town, I won’t be around and wouldn’t have money for gas even if I was.) he said not to worry about it, that he’d find a way. In other words, beg people once, then sleep in and quit going.

I asked which courses he would take, and told him the prices. Then I asked how he would pay for them. He sounded shocked. I think that he hought that since I had suggested it, that I would pay. no such luck. He offered out a suggestion that he thought mom would pay. I told him that if he wanted to be an adult, that it was his own responsibility to find a way, and that since it was only mornings, that he could get a job and work evenings and weekends. (He DIDN’T sound thrilled!)

I have yet to call my mother and inform her of today’s events, though I did speak to my father. He called from across the country to thank me for helping my brother.

Have you or your MOM ever had your brother evaluated at school or anywhere else? I can’t believe that this went unnoticed at his elementary or high school.

He needs professional help and I hope that he gets it. Your Mom is probably doing everything she can within her capacity to see the big picture. I don’t know if she is more worried about herself than her son at this stage?

Can your father step in and try to get your brother evaluated so he can get some help? Your father can do it by proxy and fax the request over to the school on the off chance that your brother may show up. That way all of you will know the extent of his problem.

It sounds pretty fruitless to keep on to go to school that he can’t comprehend and can’t keep up with. He would be better going for his GED if he can do it.

They just said that they think he has ADD and to get him on meds. My mom is afraid to do that bc we have addiction problems in our family and bc they are addictive and also bc he has other medication that he takes. She refuses to get him re-evaluate. It wasn’t even a doc that diagnosed it. It was some staff members opinion. It was pretty dumb of her bc he doesn’t have any of the classic symptoms. I know that there is something wrong, but I don’t know enough to make some sort of accurate diagnosis, bc I am not a doc. I just know that ADD isn’t the right one.

He does need help. She works herself to death. She never spent time with him. He was alone. Being mentally challenged in any capacity means that you need extra care, not less. If you get less you are even less likely to be able to function well. She is worried about him, and herself. She is getting old. She won’t be able to keep him out of trouble for much longer. Does she expect that I will deal with it for much longer? probably, but I’ll refuse. It would be different if he was trying, but he’s not.

My dad taught him how to lie and manipulate and also how to get away with it. He thought that it was his job as the dad to be easy on him, so that the boy would listen to him, bc he doesn’t listen to my mom. Only problem is, the boy now lies to dad too. Dad doesn’t understand the correlation.

What is by proxy? Do they take him against his will to be evaluated? He is SUPER strong. He lifted up four people all at once last week. He was asked by the school coach if he’d join the football team bc he is “built like a brick sh*t house!”
He’d resist and get into trouble with the cops. He can get violent. He doesn’t know his own strength. He doesn’t realise that he actually hurts people.

Nobody can afford to send him to summer school, or to pay for his GED. I want him in school so that at least we know where he is. I’m hoping that he will mature some. I’m hoping that it happens SOOOOON! He’s out of chances. He’d understand the work if he’d actually arrive and listen. He’d be able to keep up if he wasn’t so lazy, but you are right, it is fruitless. It’s like watering a dead plant, you’ll only make mould grow on it. It will eventually stink, and fruit won’t suddenly appear.
Thanks fo rtrying to help me to figure this out. I am sooo stressed out from that and other things. I hate being a mother to my siblings!

p.s. Sorry for anly spelling mistakes. i am super tired and falling asleep at the moment. have a good night.

I again believe that your brother is acting like a spoiled brat. ADD is not so debilitating that you don’t know what you are doing. My family is loaded with ADD and ADHD kids in it and there are many. Some are in a special class and some are not. But I can guarantee that all of them know right from wrong.

My cousin could manipulate himself out of every situation, he was that bright and that cunning. He also has ADHD. As your long as your brother finds a shoulder to lean on, doing what he wants to do, he will continue to act the same and be the same.

By proxy doesn’t mean that anyone is going to subdue your brother. It means that your father could sign for testing to be done at school to find out if your brother has a problem so bad that he can not function. Or that a psychologists could test him. By proxy means that anything your brother needs, your father can sign for without having to be in the same state as your brother, that’s all.

If your family continues to guess that he is incapable; he will continue to perform up to your expectations and nothing more.

My cousin road the wave and acted out everything we said he couldn’t do. Suchas: ADD and ADHD he couldn’t concentrate. He was terrible in school. Head strong and hung out with the wrong crowd. Everyone supported him and than we realized that he didn’t want our help but wanted to do just what he wanted to do. My cousin then went to get his GED and he did it in a month. He went to get the tapes at the library and just studied for two weeks and passed with a really high grade.

My mother or my aunt were gone a lot in my family raising eight kids. We knew right from wrong. We knew if we didn’t go to school that we would be flipping hamburgers for the rest of our lives. That doesn’t mean that your brother didn’t have guidance and principles that he picked up from TV and society. Sure he want’s to play dumb, that gets him what he wants. Sure he wants to do what he wants to do that way he doesn’t have to work hard and compete.

The need for support and tough love in combination is what is needed here for your brother. If you set up guidelines for him to act upon perhaps that would do it. I mean that you wouldn’t spend time and energy from what you percieve to be a normal person without requirements, correct? So get a little tough on your brother. Tell him if he expects help he is going to have to do his part. Make a small list and keep to it. How old is he? Because my cousin didn’t wake up until he reached 19 years of age.

I know where you are and what you are trying to do. But, don’t be dissapointed when he doesn’t comply and think it’s personal, it’s not. It’s like a 3 year old touching a hot stove. Each time he goes to run for the stove with the oven on we catch him so he doesn’t hurt himself. Yet, he keeps running for the stove. It’s not until he touches the stove (when our backs our turned) and burns himself that he actually learns to not touch the stove.

In the US they want us to think that everyone has a psychological problem that can’t finish his work and doesn’t have the desire too. They fail to realize the children find school “deadly dull”. They really hate it and so they act accordingly.

Your brother will eventually have to man up to his situation and faced reality. Do what you can but, don’t deprive your family. You can’t risk having them involved with your brother if he won’t stop getting in to trouble and being a social outcast.

My mom called this morning and asked me to call him to make sre he is up for school. I started talking to her about summer school. I tried to tell her that he has no credits that count towards graduation. I told her yesterday that I spoke with the vice principal. I told her today that we had spoken about how the school might consider him in the fall if he went and passed, if he didn’t miss school between now and the end of the year.

I also told her that we’d need to take him to see the guidance counsellor about course selections for next year that meet the graduation requirements. She said “I’LL DO THAT!” It’s another example of her paranoia. She thinks that we’d discuss things that she didn’t like. She would never let us kids speak with any doctor or counsellor alone. She knew that we could say things that would get her in BIG trouble. She didn’t want those things coming out.

(My brother seemed to think that he could pick ANY courses and that they’d match with requirements automatically. I informed him otherwise. Three tech courses won’t help if you have no math and no science, you need something from each cluster of subjects. I also informed im that I was on the gov’t website and that GEDs actually expire here after a period of one year. He doesn’t believe me. I said I could print it out for him.)

She had the nerve to get upset at me, by trying to hide it. She asked if dad put me up to talking with the school. I said “no, he had nothing to do with it.” she always says the same thing when conversations don’t go her way. She always says either” I can’t deal with this now” or “I can’t talk! I gottta go” and then hangs up. She did the latter This morning she changed it a little bit to, and in an annoyed tone said: “Will you call him BEFORE school starts? I can’t talk. I gotta go!” and then hung up.

I don’t care if she thinks I overstepped my boundaries with him. Somebody had to. She let him away with stuff for too long and he lied for too long. she is so incompetent that she doesn’t even check with the school. I’m done. They can all be idiots and figure it out for themselves. On the plus side, my brother did say last night to my mom that if she moved to my town that he’d move back with her. Living 30 minutes away from school and his druggie friends was too far. She said that she would. Of course, bc we all know that a teen should be the one in charge of where the family resides, right?!? NOT. giving in isn’t helping.

I called the school to tell the vice principal that she was upset that he went over the courses with me. I told the vice principal that I told my mother that he had given an overview of all of the required courses for graduation and I matched them MYSELF with what I KNEW he already had, and I let on that HE (the vice) hadn’t told me a single thing about my brother’s courses. (He did, but she doesn’t need to know that. I don’t want him in trouble bc he is trying to help my brother.)
I am so done with this. No more will I be getting involved. Their trouble, they can fix it.

great, now he is coming over. I’m sure that she wants to yell at me. she always does.

It looks like you are continually trying to force the two of them, your brother and your mother to go forward and be responsible for their lives. It’s really unfair that this burden be placed on you but, you seem to be the only level headed one. I still would try to get your brother into counseling, I don’t really know how old he is.

Your mother can’t expect secrets to be kept especially when they are detrimental to someone’s existence. I wouldn’t even care if she is brought out in the open at this point. The more they know about her limitations the more the pendulum will swing in your brother’s favor to get more help with straightening himself out. On your Mom’s part “it’s called neglect” she should be more involved and so should your father.

Your Mom is basing you and your brothers whole existence on a bunch of secrets that she doesn’t want anyone to know but expects everyone to forget. That’s not rational thinking.

The trouble today is that everyone from agencies and the state who pitch in to help a wayward teenager really offers pity and no way out. They say they want to help but, that’s in words only. If a kid needs a place to stay, that’s not there for them except for a few days. The kid has to be totally off of drugs just how the family wants him to be.

There are state programs that get kids off of drugs. They have to sign themselves in if they are adolescents. Tell your brother to check himself into one of these places to get his head on straight and then you will talk to him after that. It is a free program, no cost to your mother.

You are trully doing all that you can do. Your Mom and your brother are going to have to do their share about his life. It’s nice for them to bounce off their short-comings on to you and have you pick up the pieces.

I would explain to the Vice-Principal that you have done all that you can do. His school record and such should be explained to his mother and if she doesn’t answer then send a letter to your mother and your father explaining the situation.

Don’t let him in. Take him to a restaurant and tell him to check himself into a rehab program and get drug free. That’s the only way you will help him. Good luck.

If it’s your Mom that is coming over, tell her not to yell at you anymore. You are a grown man with a life of your own. Tell her that your brother is her responsibility and that she needs to get him into rehab. That whatever the two or three of you try to do is wasted on a druggie who uses to drugs to solve his problems.

If all else fails maybe the military.

sorry, I should clear up that I know FOR SURE at this point that HE isn’t using drugs. Many of his friends are drinking and using, some aren’t. He isn’t. He even offered (without being asked) to take a series of drug tests to prove it. Not his style either. He’s an idiot, just not THAT kind of idiot. He hangs with them bc they are messed up on drugs that don’t care about his problems. The don’t judge, probaby bc they are too whacked up to notice or care. Nobody else will even talk to him.

Genesis721 wrote:
If it’s your Mom that is coming over, tell her not to yell at you anymore. You are a grown man with a life of your own. Tell her that your brother is her responsibility and that she needs to get him into rehab. That whatever the two or three of you try to do is wasted on a druggie who uses to drugs to solve his problems.

grown woman, :P , That’s ok. I know what you mean, LOL.

Anonymous wrote:
It looks like you are continually trying to force the two of them, your brother and your mother to go forward and be responsible for their lives. It’s really unfair that this burden be placed on you but, you seem to be the only level headed one. I still would try to get your brother into counseling, I don’t really know how old he is.

That’s how I feel too. I can’t get him counselling though. I live to far from the city.

She was always neglectful. I wrote another post on that a while back. http://help.com/post/271412-when-i-wa… That post shows more of her irresponsible actions.

She is fearful that she will look bad. She doesn’t care if she IS bad, as long as other people don’t find out. I try so hard to square everything in my head, but it doesn’t work. I can make itok that she is like this.

He’s not using. I feel like there is very little in the way of hope for him. Him not using is the only reason that I am even trying to help.

I wish that there were program for d*mb @s$,irresponsible, and hard-headed teens and adults. I’d sent my mom and my brother. free? and state run? wow! It must be over run with patients!

Anonymous wrote:
You are trully doing all that you can do. Your Mom and your brother are going to have to do their share about his life. It’s nice for them to bounce off their short-comings on to you and have you pick up the pieces.

I agree! It’s too easy for them to do nothing.

Anonymous wrote:
I would explain to the Vice-Principal that you have done all that you can do. His school record and such should be explained to his mother and if she doesn’t answer then send a letter to your mother and your father explaining the situation.

They have expained it to her, several times. She doesn’t take interest to make sure that he is following it. She never follows through. I coppied my papers from yesterday and gave her the copies. I know that she’ll lose them. She always does, then gets busy, and mispaces them or a few weeks, then finds them and misplaces them again. My brother didn’t seem to get the “cluster subjects” talk on the occasions where she, my brother, his teachers, the vice and prinicpal and guidance counsellor had their meetings. Mom understood this morning, and I explained it to him last night. It makes more sense, bc I underlined what he NEEDS, and what he can use from elective choices to fill grad requirements. It’s a list that she can take to the guidance counsellor when they meet. They were things that HE chose. I gave him choices over the phone, and he decided which suited him best. I bet he won’t go anyway, so it was probably a waste of my time. I’m finished though. They can sort it out. I feel bad though, bc one day she won’t be around to help him. She is old. HE won’t have anybody and will try to rely on me. I can’t have that! I am so glad that you are all here. I am soo stressed!

pickle chip wrote:
If all else fails maybe the military.

I only wish. It would make him work, that’s for sure. He’d have a roof and food, but he’d never pass boot camp. They need a lot of brain to be able to memorize the parts of the weapons, to be able to assemble and disassemble the rifles, to……
Never mind, LOL. I know tooooo much about army life. I will spare the details, but he’d never make it. He’d get beat up. He says rude things and doesn’t realise that they aren’t amusing to other people.

(He was at a grocery store bagging groceries for people one day. He was probably 13 or 14. He had an old lady go through his checkout. She bought condoms. He ACTUALLY said something to her, (like what could be heard in the boy’s locker room in a high school) right there in the line up, and started laughing! She was embarrassed enough as it was, but that made her angry and embarrassed even more. She walked out and didn’t buy groceries. They don’t do those fund raisers in that store anymore!)

If he said something rude to a soldier, they’d probably not hesitate to pound the cr*p out of him!

They need a lot of brain to be able to memorize the parts of the weapons (response). Have you seen Forrest Gump?

I still think your brother knows more than your family gives him credit for. He is arrogant and spoiled and unruly. He will and has said anything that comes into his head. I don’t think he wanted to work at the grocery and that is why he made the remarks he did. He was hoping to get fired.

I used to think my cousin was the same way until he was tested for his GED and he got the highest marks of the group.

Reading this whole message, I hope you can see the similiarities between your Mom and your Brother. They are like two peas in a pod to me.

I don’t think it should matter if they found out about your mother, that’s really water under the bridge because your brother has gotten by so far. And it’s really too little too late. It’s just time to go forward. They work with neglectful parents but they really don’t punish them that I know about.

The worst thing that can happen is they insist they both get counseling and they won’t do that because she would have grounds for a law suit.

I think by the way you have described your brother that he is big enough in size to take care of himself. He could probably crush whoever came up against him so I wouldn’t worry about that.

We here at Help sure do hope you are able to find peace for you and your family. I will pray that your brother doesn’t get into trouble but, I feel that won’t help in his case. Good luck again.

Genesis721 wrote:
They need a lot of brain to be able to memorize the parts of the weapons (response). Have you seen Forrest Gump?

yes, but that isn’t real. I have been around army guys since I was born. I grew up in and around it. My grandfather was a P.O.W., my father worked on base, my step-father had been in, same with my uncle and cousins, and my husband. It isn’t like that. A long time ago, you could be the biggest dummy on the planet. You can’t do that now. plus, he is about 260 lbs. He is F A T, and doing dishes is too much work. If he got in combat, he’d probably stop every half hour for a break. sad, but true, LOL.

Genesis721 wrote:
I still think your brother knows more than your family gives him credit for. He is arrogant and spoiled and unruly. He will and has said anything that comes into his head. I don’t think he wanted to work at the grocery and that is why he made the remarks he did. He was hoping to get fired.

He wanted to be there. He got dressed up and everything. He even bathed, and that’s a BIG deal for him. Nobody made him. He just doesn’t understand how something can be appropriate in one circumstance and not in another. But you are ABSOLUTELY right about the first part.

Examples: burping with friend vs. burping in a restaurant. Grabbing his ex-gf’s butt when they are alone, and doing it in front of my kids. yelling at somebody because they made a mistake vs. yelling across a crowded theatre bc he is mad. Eating thirds in an all you can eat buffet vs. going to somebody’s funeral, then family home afterwards. refreshments are provided and he’d eat ALL of them. He sees no difference. He didn’t see how bad it looked. He can’t distinguish one from the other. it’s almost like Asperger’s syndrome, if I were to guess.

Genesis721 wrote:
I used to think my cousin was the same way until he was tested for his GED and he got the highest marks of the group.

For real, WOW!

Genesis721 wrote:
Reading this whole message, I hope you can see the similiarities between your Mom and your Brother. They are like two peas in a pod to me.

Pretty much.

Genesis721 wrote:
I don’t think it should matter if they found out about your mother, that’s really water under the bridge because your brother has gotten by so far. And it’s really too little too late. It’s just time to go forward. They work with neglectful parents but they really don’t punish them that I know about.

It shouldn’t, but it would be yet another reason to be embarrassed about being related to them. I wish they could punish idiot parents too!

Genesis721 wrote:
The worst thing that can happen is they insist they both get counseling and they won’t do that because she would have grounds for a law suit.

REALLY?

Genesis721 wrote:
I think by the way you have described your brother that he is big enough in size to take care of himself. He could probably crush whoever came up against him so I wouldn’t worry about that.

true!

Genesis721 wrote:
We here at Help sure do hope you are able to find peace for you and your family. I will pray that your brother doesn’t get into trouble but, I feel that won’t help in his case. Good luck again.

Thanks.
My mom asked me if I would tutor him until the end of the year. She then said she couldn’t talk and hung up before I had the chance to answer. I’m going to say no. It’s not the easiest decision to make, but the best for my sanity. Thank you all for your help. I have had a hard time dealing with this, and having a baby and my own things going on. This has been tough, but after writing this, and reading all of the replies, I am confident that I need to stay out of it. Thanks again.

oh, and it wasn’t a paid job. He did it as part of an organization that he belonged to at the time. Each cash had one kid bagging the food. He wanted to go, and even got his own drive from a half hour away, bc my mom had to work and couldn’t drive him. That store won’t let ANYBODY bag anymore as a fundraiser. It’s store employees or customers only.

I just wanted to add that although your brother has displayed an unruly nature and he does everything wrong that can be imagined, I hope the whole family will concentrate on what is salvagable in his traits.

By concentrating on whatever his good traits are, and I know there must be some, as least as a family you can tell him in complete honesty that if he continues to exhibit these traits he will come through all this.

My cousin’s mother was very down on her son, she complained all the time about him. My cousin did however have great people skills. He was fun loving and anyone enjoyed being with him.

It’s important to young people to know that they can make it and what tools they can use to get there. And I also know that it’s really hard to find something in them when they act the way they do. I am not saying, get involved on the day to day stuff with your brother, no way, but encouragement is a good thing.

I would always put the ball in his court. Always asking him what are you going to do? Pointing out the obvious recourses by you is good because he definitely needs to be reminded constantly. I would also be very truthful about his behavior. Letting him know that because of his drugs, his attitude, his manners, he can not have a social life with you and your family.

If your brother likes the outdoors they have jobs at the State National Parks around the country that give housing included for the tourist season. The work is not that hard as I understand it and people do get food and lodgings. It is a meager living but, if he likes the outdoors it maybe something he would like to do.

I would however get a list of places for him to go and stay if he gets in a homeless position. Here we have the Salvation Army, Uncommon Ground, DARE, etc. The hospital where I work has a list that they give out to patients all the time. These places offer an overnight stay.

I understand that schooling is given to those who can not afford it. If your Mom is on a low-income then the state will provide the schooling support that your brother needs. Here it is free at most Adult Education schools to anyone over 18-19 years of age to complete their high school education. They also offer tutoring to those kids that have learning disabilities.

Good luck to you.

That’s wonderful. Thank you so much for the advice. :D It made my day!