Hi I’m new to this so hope you’ll bear with me!
I’m in a situation which I guess is of my own making, but I’m at a point where I’m not sure what to do.
I got married 18 months ago to a guy I’d only known for a year. I met him at work, and I thought to myself, it’s a good thing I met him in a place where I can get to know him gradually, because he’s not that good looking and if I saw him in a pub or something, I’d cross him off my list.
I thought he seemed like the kind of guy I could respect, which coming after a relationship that was very good and very bad in equal amounts seemed like a wonderful thing! He has a good job, 3 kids (grown up now)and really seemed like Mr Clean, Straight, Honest Family Man. He’s been married before, but his wife left him. She was only 19 when they got married and she told him that she wanted the party years that she felt she’d never had. The crunch came, apparently, when he was in a bad accident some head injuries), and she said he was then no longer the man she’d married.
Well, it all seemed good, his kids seemed to take to me, my son liked him, and above all it seemed like he could offer me stability, which I’ve had very little of in my life. Rock solid, it seemed.
True, the physical side of things wasn’t that wonderful, but I thought that wouldn’t really matter too much in the long run. To be honest I didn’t really find him that attractive physically, but just about 7 out of 10 (not that I rate guys in that way usually, but I just want to give an idea of how things were)
Well, we sold our houses and bought a lovely one together, then had a beautiful wedding - an absolutley perfect day! At that time I was working full time, in a really busy, demanding job. It was all good, but I started to think just now and then that I wasn’t really getting any closer to him, or getting to know him. It still felt like when we were working together, but with sex thrown in! After about a year I commented to one of my work colleagues that I didn’t feel I knew my husband any more than when we first met, and she was a bit shocked, but I kept thinking it was just because we worked long hours and didn’t have too much time together.
Then things started getting a bit strange. We shared a computer at home and one day I went in and he’d left his emails open while he went to make a cup of coffee. Well, I just happened to see his ex-wife’s name, and it turned out the two of them were planning to buy a birthday present for one of their kids. Nothing wrong with that, but why keep it from me? I decided to give hime the chance to tell me, so I went downstairs and in the course in conversation, I asked if he ever heard from his ex. He said no! I said I was wondering becasue it was X’s birthday the following week and would they normally get him a present together? No, he said, I haven’t heard from her for ages!!!!!! Well, I told him I’d seen the email and he never even batted an eye!If I hadn’t KNOWN he was lying I’d think I was totally wrong! Well, he just said he’d made a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again, so I let it drop. BUT, I was worried, and thought “what else is he lying about?”
A few weeks later, I had to find a bill and went in one of his drawers where he kept various bills and accounts etc, and I found 2 photos - one of his mother in the buff, and another of his ex which shall we say was very explicit!!Again I faced him with it, and he barely reacted. He just calmly shredded the photos.
I began to wonder what I’d got into, but he seemed to genuinely want to make our marriage a success. But a few weeks later, I discovered that he had many more similar photos of his ex on a cd, as well as more photos of his mother!!
Another thing is that ever since we moved to this house strange things have been happening; things in different places when we came in after work and on one occasion when he’d gone away for the weekend alone, I woke in the night to hear the bedroom door creaking open then when I switched on the lamp I saw a man’s shadow move quickly across the landing. Next morning when I went downstairs, all the doors and windows were locked, but the socks I’d left on the radiator to dry overnight were all paired up, which I would never do . . . My first thought was that it was my husband (it’s a thing he does, but I asked him about it and he said it wasn’t. I couldn’t check at the time as he was camping, and there was no signall for his mobile.
Well, the stress of all this plus pressure at work reduced me to tears a few times at work, and my husband kept encouraging me to leave and be ” a lady of leisure” so I eventually left my job. He’d assured me there would be plenty of money, and that there was no need for me to work (this wasn’t strictly true - we’re on a tight budget).
Well, more strange things kept happening around the house, always when I was out. I started to think maybe I was going crazy, but then once I came home and the garage door was wide open! I knew I hadn’t left it like that, I hardly ever go in there. Then I got a letter from my bank saying that there had been an attempt to access my account, and I had to change accounts. I was very worried, and so we got security cameras both inside and outside the house. Thing is, my husband was very unwilling to show me how to watch the footage back, but I watched him and learned how to see the outdoor stuff, but still can’t do the indoor one. On one day, I clearly saw him take a smallish bag outside and route through it, all the while trying to avoid the camera. He regularly deletes the footage from the indoor one before I see it.
We changed the locks on the doors, and I always keep them locked and chained when I’m in alone, but I should say that when we were first married, he’d go out for a bike ride at the weekend, and more than once he’s come in very quietly, sneaked around, then shut the front door loudly as if he’s just come in! I really feel I’ve had enough and want to get out of this now, but because I haven’t worked for several months and jobs are hard to come by now, I really can’t afford to. Does anybody have any advice? Or has anybody else had this kind of experience? I’d be glad to hear from you - thanks.
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