depression help: please would someone reply to this? - Help.com

please would someone reply to this?

my mother and i do not have a very close relationship. not even since my parents were divorced, i think it’s been most of my life since my autistic brother was born.

a whole lot of times lately i’m beginning to feel really bad whenever i’m around her. she threatens me sometimes, saying things like she’ll send me to my dad’s if i don’t behave. as much as i love my dad i DON’T want to live with him because that would mean i would have to leave the only real friends i’ve ever had. she knows full well this would ruin me.

i also told her once that i’d been thinking of killing myself. it’s a topic that i’ve considered several times, and to protect myself i thought i might bring it to her attention. when i told her, i was expecting her to be worried or even shocked.

nope.

she looked perfectly calm. she told me that she guessed she’d better put me in a mental hospital for a long time in a you-should-be-ashamed-of-yourself-look-how-selfish-you-are-voice. that really scared me, and she knew it. she told me that people who want to die will die and if i dont have a suicide plan then i dont want to kill myself. but that’s not true, i WANTED to kill myself. it scared me that i actually wanted to, and in that fear i made a desperate attempt to communicate with her. she really doesnt know me at all.

a lot of medical sites i’ve read about depression and suicidal people say that the reason suicidal people won’t tell a whole lot of people they’ve thought about it is because they don’t want to be told that they’re attention-seeking, foolish, or selfish. i was told all three of these things by my mother’s tone of voice.
“in my opinion,” she said to me. “i think this is a cry for attention.”

another time i came home and i was really depressed because of a friend situation. i, of course, was acting depressed in front of my mother, because again, i was trying desperately to communicate with her. after trying to tell me “who cares what they say? you didnt want to be their friend anyway” she told me to stop being depressed and to snap out of it. i really couldn’t. i told her i was sorry (as if it was my fault) and said i was having a bad day. she told me to
go to my room because she didnt want to see my mopey face anymore.
i went to my room, terribly upset and confused. she was being genuinely mean to me.
later that night, she came in and told me that she was disappointed in MY behavior.

my relationship with my mother has been made up of accusations, lies, criticisms, intimidation, fake apologies, “not agreeing” with or ignoring what i try to communicate what she does, and threats.
she accuses me of things i havent even done or said, and then she tells me i dont love her and she’s going to send me to my dad’s so she doesnt have to deal with me.

and somehow, it’s always my fault. no matter what she’s done, no matter what i’m trying to communicate with her, she can always turn it around and make it my fault. she’s called me a cruel and hateful person before. she also called me a hypocrite, but only because i called her one first after i confided in my sister who had promised not to tell and then told almost immediately.

my mother also says she’s taking away everything i distract myself with. “taking everything away” were the only words i even really heard, and she scared me enough to make another fake apology.

my mother likes to get people on her side, you know like so-and-so agrees with me and so-and-so thinks i’m right and blah blah blah. in short, she likes to know that she’s right and i’m wrong because i’m the stupid little kid.

and then after she does something like threatening or whatever, she goes back to nicey-nice like nothing ever happened. it’s confusing and unpredictable and it’s causing me a lot of emotional pain.

a lot of times i want to just run away from home. i dont want to be around her anymore. her and her freaking mindgames. a lot of times i dont care if i die, i just dont want to be afraid of her anymore.

is any of this considered mental abuse?

This open post was written 6 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 160, 5, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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