pain help: i just got finished crying for a good 2 or 3 hours when i wrote that. - Help.com

i just got finished crying for a good 2 or 3 hours when i wrote that.

i don’t necessarily take back those feelings, i had a gun and i gave it to a friend for my own safeties sake. emotions roll in like a flood braking against a weak levy of hope. it can come at times and take everything else away, make nothing but making the empty and sharp pain and sadness go away. i am not just a teen an Electra complex to deep in drugs to find my way out. i am 26, i had a serious of unfortunate circumstances that made led me back to a path of personal loathing and negativity. Almost a country song in the all inclusive nature of the problems. u see in my mind, having one huge problem, like being a diabetic, or have a parent die are the equivalent of having a limb chopped off. And littler problems in retrospect are like cuts, like lets say, needing glasses, or losing a friend, or a million more things that are life changing and many times long and on going in how they make you feel. but, think about my situation in the light that i had a 1000 cuts, and a dozen near mortal wounds. When a group goes to torture an individual, they don’t cut off a limb they slowly give you a 1000 pains… and that is where i stand. Assume that i was someone with many medical and mental issues all sad but none big enough for real sympathy. i had many personal sub-problems as well, but with these more came quick. i was out with my fiancé of 3 years jogging, it was dark, and the road was hazardous. at a run,down hill, i hit a sweet gum ball, the ones that fall off trees. i severely sprained my ankle, and eventually found out i broke 2 bones. because i was hurt, i lost my job working a the ****. louis ARC w/ mentally challenged youths. because it was injury related, and not on the job, i was not eligible for unemployment, and because it was “temporary” i received no SS or disability. I had no insurance, and had no way to pay for my injury to be fixed. i paid $900 just to get it x-rayed, and didn’t have any money to go to the specialist. i found out about a clinic in the area, but but the speed of this service is beyond ridiculous. i broke this on jan. 28, 2009, two days later my fiancé broke up with me (out of the blue as this could be). this recked my soul and my perspective, no greater pain could be assumed at the time. b/c we lived together, and b/c she was the only one to work then so i lost my apartment. an apartment isn’t all i lost there. i lost all my nice things, my cat jonesy, my life style, my happiness. here it is may 30, 2009, and have just seen the specialist through the clinic, my tendons are malformed, and my bones fused together. I can’t get a job b/c if i do the surgery won’t be covered and even if i get a job with insurance it will be pre-existing condition. promises made, loves bond broken, pain that is not so easily repaired in the mind of a lost soul, mentally and metaphysically. i could type a 100 more pages of back story, but to what end. this has effected me the way it has and now the escapes to this are limited… and to often in the day the escape as it comes to mind is a deadly one…

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pain, lose, bad circumstances (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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