story help: I really need your opinion. - Help.com

is it supposed to be correct, as in grammatically correct?

Yeah its good enough

its interesting, but you would have to create more dramma and be more correct not only with grammer, but with context as well, if you want to to win an award.

it could be understood that all he ever wished for is to eat her.
he had a chance, he took it, he ate her, he was not satisfied.
(at first i imagined it ending up that he is a mouse and she is a cheese)

it could be understood that he fell in love with her, and could not have her for some unmentioned reason (that maybe should be mentioned).
“his last resort” last resort from what? what other options did he have? what did he try? why couldn’t he get what he wanted and why is killing a last resort?

knowing about the subject enough, i know you meant to talk about werewolves, but it is not clear enough, now, i don’t say you should state the fact of it being a werewolf, or a wolf of any sort - but more descriptions of his shifting, and that the fact it is happening because of the full moon - will add a lot of interest.

shouldn’t he be more dreadful in his wolf form than in his human form?
is he turning from a wolf to a person (4 legs to 2 legs) or from a wolf to a werewolf?
or was he a person that was begging on his knees on four legs and turned into a werewolf on two legs? its not clear enough.

you have to create more interest and drama, you do this by “extremely increasing the contrasts” sorry for using a graphic term…
you do this by presenting ideas and visuals from two different sides of the coin.
for example:
his monstrous and fearsome appearance described alongside her gentle helplessness. his rage versus his love.
the red of the blood on the whiteness of her skin in the cold moonlight.
the sounds of violence and screams versus the calmness of the place they are at, or the silence that follows.
the storm in his heart versus the emptiness that follows the kill.

the more of these you will put the more interesting your story will be,
describe them with just enough details to get the feeling of the picture,
but forfeit words and phrases that serve no purpose.

lets see how you will progress with this,
i’ll like it if you post what you are doing, there is a lot more to writing than the above that i can offer help with.

He walked on four legs, begging for something different.
He wished, hoped and dreamed but nothing ever happened.
(be a bit more precise about his last resort what exactly did he do?)

When he saw her…his heart decided (maybe you could write another sentence here..its not really clear what his heart decided)
As he howled at the full moon changing, walking on two legs, she saw him (maybe you could write something like she realized the monster beneath.. and so on) and screamed.
Anger overtook, his rage moving his body and blood streaked everywhere.

other than that it’s nice

hmm longer sentences or connect two sentences…

its really good!!

good!

first of all, 10 sentences is A LOT! too much, to be honest.

now,
try not to repeat the same word twice for as big a gap as you can make it.
if you need to speak on a certain subject again, try describing it differently instead of naming it.
for example, the moon could also be referred to as the “the big white light bulb in the sky” (preferably something more romantic…), or to describe the moonlight, or a moonlit object instead of using the word “moon” again, or referring to it directly. you could also just call it “it” if you had it just named and there is no other subject to be confused with.

this goes for phrases too, the first sentence and the end of the second sentence state the same fact needlessly. if the creature’s howling is addressed to the moon whenever it is full, let it be in one sentence with the description of the moon and it’s fullness and power.
(not just because you are “short” of sentences, but because it is more aesthetic in a matter of context)

he decided to change - why? he met her, and…. what?
and what kind of change are we talking about?
there is a potential to create tension here between his feelings and the fact that he can do nothing about them because of what he is.
(tension is the contrast, and as mentioned before - it makes things more interesting.)

he howled to the moon, desperate for a reply - what did he expect to achieve by that, reply to what plea?

he didn’t expect to get a reply and this is lost somewhere, reducing the drama of the fact that he was, actually, answered.

his body changed but his appearance remained -
we don’t know what his appearance was besides him being four legged something at this point. and, his body changed into what? could be anything. a chair, an elephant, a pile of green goo…

the moon being in the “background” feels like it was planted there on purpose to create an atmosphere, and it actually spoils it.
my suggestion here is to connect it to the sentence before, and to describe the moon grinning at his back as he walks towards her. that way it would also be obvious that he didn’t notice it grinning.

she turned and screamed - why did she need to turn? did he make a sound, or touch her even? what caught her attention? was he sneaking? or was he stepping proudly - believing he is humane?

her scream is supposed to be a dramatic moment, for the girl and more importantly for the werewolf that is surprised/hurt by the reaction.
so her reaction should be in more details, for us to follow up her emotions, in correspondence with his. then the tension between the two will be greater.

blood splashed on the floor without him being aware of it - instead of telling about something, just describe it as it happens.
for example - “he saw his fingers tickle her toes and his hands stroking her long dark hair uncontrollably” or rather something more violent ;P that would stand in contrast to his sorrow.

cursed for the rest of his life -
why is he cursed? what is the curse? what does that had to do with him spilling the lady’s guts? describe his agony, it is the punch line, it has to cause strong emotions for the reader.

lets see how this goes…