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inadequacy issues.
(long, may not read. just venting)
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over a year now and he’s really an amazing person and i do know how lucky i am to find someone at my age (19) who has the right intentions.
When i was 16, i thought i had found the love of my life. I lost my virginity to him and i thought he really loved me. Turns out he just wanted to be the first boy at school to have sex. I still remember so clearly my experiences with him, it took me two years to “fall out of love.”
It took me two years to notice that i wasn’t good enough to be seen out in public with and again, two years to notice that i was an embarrassment to him and that he was only using me for sex.
I remember when i told my friends I’d lost my virginity to this lovely boy they called me a “****” and a “whore” these words sunk into my head and i lost myself within them.
I started to lose control of myself and i slept around with, in the end 20 different men, some multiple times with multiple partners. I let them do terrible, degrading things to me. I pretended to enjoy it at the time and would cry afterwards and tell myself how i deserved there treatments.
My bestfriend ( at the time ) got involved with the same boys and it made me hatefully envy her because they never treated her the way they did me. they told me how ‘perfect’ her body and how good she was at ’sucking there cocks’
so i competed, i told them i’d have anal sex with them, just so they would pick me and they did. my anus bled for days after but that pain i let them cause me, made me feel worthy.
this behaviour kept on for two years.
I remember one night my friends needed a lift home, so they called up these boys we referred to as ’sex boys’ and they then brought them to my house and said ‘can you give _ head so we can get a lift home.’
these people were suppose to be my friends.
The acts began to worsen, with group sex,anal sex, rough sex. I was bruised and bleeding by the end of it, But more painful then that, the words that vomitted out of their mouthes haunt me.
Now, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months and i can see these memories slowly devouring me again. I’m obsessive,clingy,easily aggitated, protective, detached. I build stories in my head to try and make him out as one of these ’sex boys.’
i don’t feel good enough.
i feel because i’m not perfect looking or shaped that i am no worth being with, that i have to compete with everyone and everything. I honestly think that he’s never seen a girl in his life and everytime he leaves the house he’ll notice that i’m imperfect. If there’s sex or any kind of affection on TV or in movies, I make him close his eyes and i start to panic and lose control of my body. It’s a trust issue but he’s never done anything to make me doubt him. He is a real sweetheart and I wish i could control myself.
I love him so much, maybe to much.
I’m seeing a psychologist and a doctor. I’ve recently been put on anti-depressents but I do not believe their the answer.
I guess this post is just a way of me getting feelings off my chest.
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