school help: Hungry, stressy, failing - Help.com

Hungry, stressy, failing

At the moment I’m doing all my exams. I’m one of those f**k ups that completely clashes with the whole school thing and went a bit mentally screwed when it all started to go wrong. Skipped school a lot and developed this kind of need to go through a strict and elaborate routine every morning otherwise I felt like I couldn’t go out. It got more and more important to me and things kept getting added on until I was getting up at five in the morning and was still late or couldn’t go to school. Anyways it all calmed down a bit and I stopped getting in trouble so much but I was seriously behind on work. I got demotivated and despite behaving well, I was not bothering to work or revise at all.

I am not stupid but going to these exams is torture, everyone around me sits there scribbling away while I stare blankly at the page without a clue what the answers are. Everyone comes out of the exam saying “yeah that was easier than I thought, it went okay.” It’s frustrating because I know I have the same amount of ability as them and I really want to go to college, get a fresh start and do well but it’s all too late to save it now.

I’m getting so stressed out about it, I haven’t slept for days and I feel sick all of the time. I just want to cry, I’m being snappy and angry at everyone around me even when they are trying to help. Today was my little brother’s birthday and I totally ruined his whole day by being a total b*tch. I have lost my appetite, which is really not normal for me even though I’ve had issues with food in the past (I used to binge, purge, starve and I went underweight) but it was a long time ago and I gained the weight back and haven’t had problems since.

However, now that I have started to lose weight again, I can feel my old habits creeping in. The feeling of hunger in my stomach is somehow sparking off all the thoughts I used to have, I can feel it happening all again which is so strange because I had forgotten most of it. I’ve started checking out my stomach, legs, arms in the mirror a lot more, weighing myself more frequently, deliberately not finishing food. It didn’t start off like that, before I was just too busy and too stressed to realise I was hungry.
Now, however, it’s becoming a conscious effort.

I don’t want to go back to that, all these horrible memories are coming back to me. Sitting at school furiously jigging my legs to burn calories with a sharp hunger in my stomach, hardly sleeping, working out obsessively at the gym till I felt faint, being bent over the toilet puking till my face swelled and my eyes stung.

I don’t want to go back to that. Why am I doing this?

And I’m going to fail these f***ing exams.

This open post was written 5 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 179, 2, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

stress, school, food, Help, starve, purge, exam, fail, obsession, college, future, Problem, Weight, Underweight, Appetite (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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