marriage help: I’m feeling like I want to leave my wife. - Help.com

Well there are two sides to this- and I won’t pretend I’m the expert.

It sounds like you are feeling self conscious and depressed and I understand that. You keep saying it is you and not her, but I’m not sure you believe that. It’s both of you. You are self conscious and she doesn’t think about that when she acts- she continues doing things that she knows bothers you- that’s not being a good wife. You are having trouble accepting her for the kind of person she is now, and that’s not good on your part. I hate to ask, I know it is personal, but are you guys ever intimate anymore? Do you ever have special nights without the kids? I tried marriage counseling before and I HATED it. All it does is give you guys an intermediate ear.

I will tell you that my husband and I were in a similar situation- we have one child together- but our situation was MUCH MORE EXTREME. I initiated the divorce and the truth is this- I am happier than I’ve ever been- and he says he is. I can’t tell you whether he truly is or not, but he says he is. We do not get a long even after the divorce, the only difference is that we aren’t forced to bask in each other’s misery.

The only advice I can truly give is this: When I thought I wanted a divorce, I sat down and thought of all the things I liked about my marriage and all the things I didn’t. Then I thought about how things would change, good and bad, if I was divorced. After thinking about it emotionally and logically I came to the conclusion that I should push through. Weigh all your options- even tedious ones- for instance on my list was this:
I like being married because I have someone to share the responsibility of our child.

I don’t like being married because he doesn’t act on his responsibility at all. He never watched her to let me do something. Never. Not once.

And so on.

Hope this helps!

can u imagine seeing her with some1 else, how would it make you feel. getting a divorce and regretting it would be horrible
how often is she goin out

kids make everything so much more complicated there obv all under 16?
how did the councilor manage to pin everything on you? surely if somethin shes doin upsets you its partly her fault cant you both come to a compromise on the amount she goes out tell her you miss her, plan nights in rent movies, both of you go out light candles have baths cook dinner

do you trust her
p.s her getting attention anywere isnt a bad thing it just mean you’ve got a good lookin wife would you rather she was ugly?

Maybe I gave the wrong impression. She does have her girls night outs once in awhile, not really that often. That’s not because I don’t allow it. She knows she can do whatever whenever. I don’t think she should have to ask my permission to do things like that. I want a wife not a slave.. When I referred to her going out I meant the both of us going out. Usually to a bar to do some dancing meeting up with friends and what not. I like going out it’s just I’m not big into social settings like that. Dancing I do is just for her, I hate to dance, I feel like I have everyone staring at me. If there is a phobia for dancing I think I have it. But I do it to make her happy.

To me hanging at home watching some movies, order some pizza in or something.. It’s relaxing and stress free. Going out with her I have to drink a few to loosen up. I get hung up on what she is doing instead of trying to enjoy myself. She likes attention, and when she gets some it’s like she craves more. She wants to be the life of the party. Then you have the bold drunk, not even drunk, sober even to I guess, guys who will start trying to pick up on her and there it is more attention because she looks good. She has gotten very vane so if someone likes her for her apperance she will soak it up. Add her drinking to the mix and it can end up being a bad situation in my eyes.

Do I trust her? I don’t know. Along time ago she was interested in someone else and considered leaving her family for this guy in another state. Until she found out that this guy already had a girlfriend she pretty much wrote me off. Since she has been very devoted to me but when that happened she showed me a side of her, human nature really, that I never really considered. I wasn’t ready for that and it was probably the lowest time in my life. So I’ll ask myself again, do I trust her? I do, BUT, I now know what she is capable of. That thing with the other guy, started by him giving her some attention. She was totally stuck on him due to that.. It’s like a drug to her. I may be going overboard with that statement but it’s the way I feel. So I guess I kinda have that ever watchful eye looking for the next time. It’s not fair to her, I know it’s not.

Being intimate isn’t usually a problem. I don’t have any issues with her there. I have tried to imagine what it would be like with us being apart. I don’t like it, but I can see it working. I can also see myself growing from the experience as well. Can I see her with another man, oh yeah. I can see it… Why not, she’s pretty, smart, funny… Why wound’t she be with another guy… The problem I have is another guy playing dad to my kids… Big issues with that.

I don’t know, I feel better today than I did yesterday. We went out last night to an event that I wasn’t happy about since it was mainly her group of friends that I’m not really excited about. But it’s her friends and she has every right to hang with them. We had dinner before and she wanted to talk about “us”. I basically told her how I felt which resulted in her crying. I told her tonight wasn’t the time to discuss it, let’s just go out and try and enjoy the evening. So the evening went on and to be honest it was a fun evening. She kept herself at bay, actually a little to much at first. She wouldn’t leave my side. I told her to go talk to her friends, get but over there and be social I said… She wouldn’t at first but eventually she did, and it was ok because she still reconized that I was there. She made sure to involve me, even give me some attention. There was really nobody there for me to talk to so I just kind of sit there. I knew that going in so that’s really why I wasn’t to excited for it. After that we met up with some friends and hung out at the bar, dancing like usual… That was ok too.

I think our short talk we had might of made her think a little, she acted differently than she normally would. But I don’t want a robot. I don’t want her acting a way she doesn’t want to just to make me happy. She will end up resenting me and posting on help.com in a couple of years about how she wants to leave her husband.

Bottom line is I don’t know how I feel still. It’s kinda a wait and see thing I guess.

Those last 2 paragraphs really hit home for me. I’m in a similar situation, just not as long term. One of my biggest concerns is the kids. When I can see her trying I’m always wondering how long it’s going to last. It’s a tough situation to be in.

Well at least I know it’s not just me… Thank you for replying. I do find comfort in that…

We started marriage counseling. I decided that If we were going to be over it’s not going to be due to a lack of trying. It’s funny though. The counseling was her idea but I don’t think it’s going the way she thought it would.. I think she thought that she would attend a couple of sessions and then it would be all me again. I told her it’s going to be about us or not at all. Thus far it has been about us. She is starting to realize there are things in her past that she may need to address. She doesn’t want to. She dreads talking about it. But I told her if just talking about it brings tears to her eyes than she needs to do something. She doesn’t have to talk to me but to someone that can help her.

I feel like things are on the mend for the most part. But I just have this feeling like she is not taking the counseling seriously which really hurts. I am, and like I said it’s going to be about us. This was her idea and if she is not going to take it serously than that is a spit in my face. It seems like the sessions are a burden to her. If that is her feeling than in my opinion it’s not worth going. I will say I won’t last long after this though.

I’ve been on this yo-yo ride for long enough and feel like at my age (approaching mid thrities) I really need to find something stable in my life. Somebody that cares and has as much respect for me that I do for them. I don’t feel like I have that right now. Things are better right now but this has happened before. Things crash and burn in our relationship it seems every few months. I don’t want this anymore. Hopefully things can be resolved for us and our kids.