Love help: I just went from my wife being my best friend to her telling - Help.com

What happened? If you’d like to share the story, maybe we can help?

I don’t know. That is part of the problem.

Ok. You mention ten days. I’m guessing that things have been difficult over that time?

May I ask how long you’ve been married?

10 years in September

I am not sure I want to do life anymore. Why would anyone? I just do not get it.

I became this figure sculpted by a woman who decided to crumble me back down to little pieces.

Two weeks ago, I would have said that I had one of the happiest marriages on earth, a marriage that people would admire. Sure, we had our issues, but we worked through them and they seemed to make us stronger. I would brag to people about the amazing wife I had. She was the most beautiful, caring, loving, wonderful person I had ever met. I know people were jealous. The two of us used to talk about how lucky we were to have found each other. We would discuss how sad it was that some people would live a lifetime and never experience the love that we shared. We were a miraculous pair.

Then, out of blue, she verbally delivered the most painful blow of my life. “I don’t think I love you.” I might have taken a stab to the heart with more ease.

I know I am far from a perfect husband. I know I am riddled with mistakes and bad habits. I know I can take things too far. …what I don’t know, is why the ONLY person who I have ever let completely into my world is giving up. I told her I would do ANYTHING it took. I pleaded that I would be ANYTHING she needed me to be. I told her that my love for her is too strong for this not to work.

She initially seemed receptive. She talked about wanting it to work. She told me that she was going to try. She lied. 10 days, almost to the exact hour, she pulled me outside of her friend’s house to tell me she thinks she wants a divorce. For the first time in my life, I understand how people could consider suicide. Dying seems like a much better alternative.

I am worried about her. I understand she is changing. I am going to change with her.

I can’t stop the tears. I can’t think of tomorrow without her. I can’t bring myself to even consider anything past right now. I have so much pain. It is everywhere. I never knew I could hurt like this. Why is this happening? How is this happening? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Tell me, I will fix it. I can change whatever she needs me to change. I will transform for her. I will become someone to love. I have to be able to! I have to!

This isn’t real life anymore. Real life can’t have lows like this. I can’t process anything. I have nothing without her. My dreams are her dreams. Everything in my existence is Mandy. How do I function without her? I imagine that dying is like this. Actually, death can’t be this excruciating. It would have to be a release. It would make this pain go away.

That’s quite a while.

I can’t function without her.

That is awful. You have a right to know why she would want a divorce? on what grounds? Especially since she changed so rapidly.

I would be focused on finding out what you can. You need to have better clarity to understand what you can do next. You might react very differently if she has a hormonal inbalance than say, if she is cheating on you and think she is in love with someone else.

She will have to talk to you about next steps, right?

She swears there is nobody else, and I believe her. She is in this program to become an advanced nurse. About half the class has gotten a divorce, ended a long term relationship or has major marital problems.

Firstly, try not to panic.

I understand what a huge blow this has been to you. And I know you must be hurting very much.

When you are hurting, it’s hard to see beyond the pain.. but there is a beyond.

Let’s look at this step by step.

First.. she said she didn’t think she loved you. The “think” suggests that maybe she is not sure of anything right now.

You say you take things too far sometimes… do you think something in your behaviour may have been too much for her?

She says she “thinks” she wants a divorce. She isn’t sure of anything is she?

All this says one thing. You need to discuss this with a trained counsellor who can maybe help you both to communicate what exactly you both feel.

Try to keep calm. Re-assure her that you love her. Don’t let your emotions take over here.. talking about not living without her will push her further from you. Instead, ask her to at least come to a counsellor with you so that you can be comfortable with things. It may be that with the right help, you can work things out together. In any case, if things ARE irreconcilable (though somehow I don’t think they are yet) then counselling will help you to cope with whatever comes next.

You must not allow this situation to push you into despair. You need to be strong. Not least because a woman who is potentially confused and unsure of herself and what she wants from life needs a strong man to turn to … you see what I’m saying here?

Ah.. sounds like maybe stress of study coupled with lots of tales of women getting a better life are taking their toll maybe.

Take it one step at a time.

You need to find time to talk quietly and calmly. If she is willing to do that, take the phone of the hook, create a comfortable atmosphere (try burning some lavender oils or an aromatherapy candle.. it really does help) and settle down. One trick is to keep a clock handy and take it in turns to speak. Set a rule that the other may not interrupt. Let her begin. The moment emotions start to run high, take time out. Use lots of positive phrases like “I understand you feel differently. I’d like to find out more about how you feel and why so that I can understand” and “I think counselling will help us to get through these difficult times.. wherever they may lead”

Take things slowly. Don’t panic.

That is helpful. It is her that is making things go so fast.

well, it cant be a class that does it- you marriage should survive outside influences, otherwise it might not be as strong as you think.

You should ask her on what grounds she would divorce you. Tell her you will contest it.

I’m not ready to say something like that.

I think outside influences can have very negative effects on someone’s confidence which, in turn can lead them to question what they want from life. It wouldn’t surprise me if that wasn’t the case here at least in part.

Picture the scene. She’s in a class where many of the women have been through a divorce. What’s the conversation going to be at break? It’s going to be full of “oh I am so much happier”…”I thought I loved him but you know what? I was so wrong.”… “I love being independent”. It would be very hard not to begin to question your own life and wonder whether you were supposed to be doing things differently. I’m not saying that this is what HAS happened, only that it could well be a contributory factor. You might want to initiate a conversation about that without being too direct. Maybe try “What do you think has made you start to question your feelings? Was it a discussion with girlfriends? Something you’ve been reading?” This might give you some scope to open up the issues further.

I think Value is right to say you do need to know why she feels this way. But tread carefully. Don’t say anything that will make her more defensive or less willing to talk.

Tell her you love her, smile and squeeze her hand gently. Don’t try to connect physically beyond that just now and hold your fears and emotion in check.

Is she still at home with you right now? Or is she staying with her friend?

She is not here. That is some great insight. Thanks for that. I am really messed up right now. It is going to be hard to be cool.

I am afraid that she might think that I don’t want to be with her.