poetry help: Critique? - Help.com

Critique?

:)

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An everlasting beat of life
Loosely tailored with worn flesh
Beats irregular in time

Too loose, it has been sewn
Thoughtful seas flood overboard
Forever lost in abyssal space

Accented with crimson winds
Shattered asunder, it will endure
Mended with an azure cloak.
___

This open post was written 5 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 124, 4, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


Reciprocity (0) Reciprocation Failure -- The poster has NOT helped anyone else yet!

Since writing this post Axi may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Axi is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 5 months and has 1 posts and 5 replies to their name.

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Literature, poetry, Critique (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (4)

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WhiteLoomCrows offline Verified User (8 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 2 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months, 2 weeks ago (3 minutes after post)

A better word than “Abyssal”, the proper word is “Abysmal”. Oi, and the poem is cool too.

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Help me with: free software for making animated stuff on your computer?
Axi offline Verified User (2 years, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months, 2 weeks ago (4 minutes after post)

Thanks. :)

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robinellengorha offline Verified User (5 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months, 2 weeks ago (12 minutes after post)

I really enjoyed reading this.
The only thing I would tell you is maybe to play with the words in the last verse a little bit. I can’t quite pinpoint it, but it just doesn’t sound right…
Good work!
xx

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Axi offline Verified User (2 years, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months, 2 weeks ago (14 minutes after post)

Hm, perhaps it’s ‘azure’. I didn’t think that word fit quite right, but I enjoy the optimistic connotations attached to it, so I left it. :)

Thank you!

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