marriage help: Help with an adult Step Son. - Help.com

It’s her son, if she wants to treat him that way then let her.

Thats sad..I think u n ur wife shud sit down n discuss the matter, just tell her you r more concerned about the fact that this attitude wont help ur son.Hes a grown up man now ,let him realize his responsibilities, coz he has a long way to go,get married ,have children n you two might not always be thre to help him.Then it will be real hard for him to cope with life.
His mother gives him money to buy stuff, is it her money or does she take it from you. If his mother still insists on keeping him that way then plainly refuse to give money for ur son , if its her money then probably there isnt much that u can do. Just be happy with ur life, ur wife will soon realize her mistake.

Good point I should’ve asked about money. But honestly, you’re doing his mom, what more do you want from the kid?

I know this puts you in a difficult position. On one hand you don’t want to put up with his immature behavior. On the other hand, you don’t want to involve yourself in what may or may not be your business.

I am 20 and my mother got remarried two years ago. And sad to say that if the same situation was happening to me, I would know exactly how I would feel if my stepfather got involved. I wouldn’t like it.

Because your step son has grown up without your influence, you do not necessarily have any part in raising him. Though he may one day (or currently) look at you with affection or to you for advise, you most likely will never be a father in his eyes. And because this bond isn’t there, you must continue to tell yourself that you didn’t marry a single woman, you married a woman and her child. And sadly, though you may share an account, a house, and your emotions, that child is not yours.

It’s a sticky situation and though it may bother you and it may not be the way you would raise your own child, it is out of your hands.

As long as her pampering her son isn’t preventing the family from eating or paying bills, it is my opinion you need to stay out of it.

Best of luck!

you need to talk to your wife ask her where she was at age 24 and what her parents would’ve expected of her. tell her what your parents would’ve expected and where you were at 24. that should put your point into view. and then you need to tell her all the sacrifices she’s making and that you are making or at least seeing. ask her if what she gives is worth the nothing she gets in return. she at least deserves the truth from her son that he’s not actually looking for a job. he’s always going to be her son, but that doesn’t mean he has to live under her roof. 24 years old he should have hid own life and not depending on his mothers.

thanks for all the great advice so far, I want to add in some more information on the situation, the step child is a middle child, his older brother works and is a normal positive member of society, however his younger sister is just entering highschool and i dont know how his lifestyle will influence her in life. Also these are all my step children.

well sounds to me his older brother is fine
and yes his younger sister will be influenced. take it from me, my older stepbrother is 21 and I just finished my 9th grade year. my stepbrother is a huge influence on me he drives me places i know all his friends and i developed some of his habits. now he’s a positive role model. if your stepson is a bad role model, most likely it’s not a good thing. if she hangs out with him or at all turns to him to be a role model she’ll develop the same habits he has. not to mention if she sees her mom letting him do whatever he wants she’ll know she can do the same, then you’ll have two kids living in your house way past due.
if your oldest stepson lives alone you might be able to suggest your middle stepson move in with him, that way he still lives with someone, and because it’s his older brother he will most likely kick him back into line. this will at least force him to be more self reliant.

Tough Love…it’s your house, too, after all. You need to set some boundaries and limits…even have the step son be involved in some of the planning, if he is willing. Talk out some rules and consequences, and write it out and hang it on a bulletin board or refrigerator.

The most important thing to remember when doing this is that you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. In other words, if you say that “if you don’t hold a job for 6 months, I will kick you out….” you need to mean it.

Therefore, you should start with SMALL things, such as “you need to be up and out of bed before 9 am each morning or you will not have gas money for one month”

Move on to bigger things, such as “you will be actively looking for a job (and here you need to tell what kind of ‘proof’ is sufficient~maybe a certain number of applications completed laying on the dining room table/a certain number of phone calls per week offering interviews…etc…) or your mother will not pay your insurance for a six month period”

But, remember, you MUST follow through, so make sure that your consequences are something that you are TRULY able/willing to do if he doesn’t do his share. He WILL test you.

And, yeah, you are with his mom, but to me, that is inconsequential…everyone has the right to seek a loving relationship, whether there are adult children involved or not. Further, as a 24 year old adult, who is still tied to his momma’s apron strings, he really has no room to argue.

Finally, one day he will thank you. He will get his life in order and he will become successful, happy, and a contributing member of society. Ppl actually LIKE it when they are contributing…our lives were not given to us (as a gift) to be idled away; we are SUPPOSED to do something with our lives.

****one caveat: remember the job market is not so good; and depending on how it is where you live, you might want to be careful about the stipulations you make regarding getting a job, especially for someone who can’t hold down a job…doesn’t look good on an application/resume

ill just start at the begining of the last reply:

Therefore, you should start with SMALL things, such as “you need to be up and out of bed before 9 am each morning or you will not have gas money for one month”

Both his mother and i work so there is no way to regulate this and reguardless my wife will give him money anyways.

then..

Move on to bigger things, such as “you will be actively looking for a job (and here you need to tell what kind of ‘proof’ is sufficient~maybe a certain number of applications completed laying on the dining room table/a certain number of phone calls per week offering interviews…etc…) or your mother will not pay your insurance for a six month period”

He will just lies to his mother and 6 months later he says how he needs his car to go look for work.. and its been on and on like that for years.

All righty then :)

I have to say I don’t think that will work. You said yourself your wife will do everything for him. You can’t threaten saying he has to do something or his mom wont pay his insurance, because it’s not true. AND HE KNOWS IT. and for a 6 month period? please, that’s like going halfway, it has to be no insurance whatsoever unless it comes out of his pocket. he’s 24! you’re the stepfather you’re the enemy (sorry to say, that’s how everyone views a step parent) YOU HAVE TO BE DIRECT. go to your wife confront her. make her understand, she needs to see this, sometimes you can’t always let her be pleased. once she understands, confront him, and be direct you can’t show a sign of going back on your word. trust me we notice. to get his attention you take something away right from the start. make him work to get something back, not to keep something because he’ll just be testing to see if you will actually take it. if you take something now he knows you mean business if you doesn’t try take something else. he’s 24 he’s a big boy now he can take it. I’m 15 I have a job, I pay for my own phone, I buy almost everything I own, and I already bought a car from my grandmother for my 16th birthday in a few months, and I did it because I know my parents wont shelter me because they have taken things away from me before and it stuck with me. he may not like you now for what you do, but when he turns 30 and lives on his own on his OWN TWO FEET he’ll appreciate it. I promise

kick the lazy bastard out ,