I don’t know how i am supposed to treat my parents

jetmoo

I don’t know how i am supposed to treat my parents

I don’t like them and I don’t respect them for alot of reasons. cos it seems like everytime I try to get on with them they throw it back at me and are horrible. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to forgive them? I think “no” because I’ve forgiven them loads of times and I will always have to forgive them.
i really want to move out, because I hate them, sometimes they are ok but sometimes they are wicked and I hate them. I don’t know whether I should forgive my mam for being nasty to me, because she had an overdose afew years ago and had to go to mental home thing for afew days. I don’t think she’s always mentally stable. but at the same time I don’t know whether she tries to use her past against me/to her advantage so people tell me that I should be nice to her. I don’t trust my dad. and my mam causes problems and then blames it on me and goes and tells people and gets them on her side to make me look bad and guilty. and she will lie to them about what really happened, missing out the parts that she did. then I have those people saying that I am cruel and telling me that they want nothing to do with me. I was talking with my mam yesterday about money I am supposed to get every month. I’m not sure what it is exactly, it’s something like child benefits and I think it’s supposed to go to me. She said she was going to give it to me. she was trying to explain this money matter to me. we were just talking at first. but I kept saying that I didn’t understand because it wasn’t that straight forward to undertstand. I genuinely didn’t understand and then she started shouting at me. and caused bother. and then blamed it on me and made me look guilty. sometimes we get on but sometimes the harmony that we do build with each other is broken down by stupid things like these. I admit that I’m not perfect, but when I realise I have done something wrong I say sorry. my mam does not like to say sorry. but at times it seems that she doesn’t actually think that she has done anything wrong.

I want to move out but I haven’t got a job and I don’t really have loads of money. I’m at college aswell so if I wanted to move out I’d have to quit. I want to go to uni. but if I move out I probably won’t be able to do that. I feel at times that my parents try to ruin everything. Especially my mam when she is being really childish. because I won’t apologise to her and let her walk all over me, she said that I wasn’t going to get this money. (it’s not the whole money thing that’s really important here, it’s like shes stealing from me when I think about it, and black mail which I hate until I apologise for something which wasn’t my fault and her shout at me again) when she gots annoyed with me, she rings her mam and lies to her about what has happened. she is like a bit chy sister and it’s like she telling her mammy off me. It’s stupid.

When I was younger we all used to fight. different people on different sides all the time. when I was about 6 I was hungry and asked my dad for something to eat cos my mam was out somewhere. he was playing on his game and said no you can wait until your mam comes in. my sis said it was about 5 o clock. then I muttered under my breath quietly, “huh, I’m so hungry” and then he took me upstairs and locked me in the cupboard. I was crying and screaming. I was stuck in the cupboard. it was a one that you couldn’t open from the inside. it was cramped and hard to breath in after a while, because it was full and had shelves in it. I was also scared of the dark when I little so I was crying alot. my sister came and let me out. then my dad came up again and locked us both in the cupboard. I also remember when my mam got taken away by the police and was locked up because they were drunk and fighting. and I was crying cos I didn’t want them to take her and leave us with my dad. and because I was crying he put me on the doorstep and locked me out in the dark for a few minutes(when they had gone ofcourse), before opening it and putting me back inside and said that he would put me back out if I didn’t stop crying. I think this happened twice until I was quiteter- I didn’t want to be outside. Another time when my mam was being nasty to me. I was really upset. I can’t remember why, but I know that she was defiantly in the wrong and had done nothing wrong. I got really stressed and was hyperventilating. I felt sick and light headed. I couldn’t even cry that much because of it. I went upstairs out of the road from her. my dad was upstairs in his room because he had the flu. and he heard me and called me in and gave me a hug and tried to make me feel better. when she came up he tried to stick up for me. Eventually after I went down stairs again away from everyone, about an hour later she realised that I wasn’t pretending to be upset and hugged me and said sorry. Then the next day my dad said that I was really naughy (or something to that effect, he probably swore) and that if he had not been poorly yesterday then he would have belted me.

sometimes I have no idea where the heck I stand with my parents. our family is and always will be messed up. when my sister was pregnant, we were nervous telling my dad. We were all happy about it. But my mam told him by saying “you’re going to be a granddad” and he said sarcastiacly something like “oh, i’m completely overjoyed” and was mad at us telling him whilst we were out. We were on holiday and out for a meal at the time. I hate my dad. But now that her baby is born. He’s nearly 2 now. He treats him lovely. Sometimes he says the oddest things though, like “are you coming here so grandar can give you a smack?” or something like that. My little nephew just looks at him when he says that. He does treat him lovely and makes him laugh. But I don’t think that was a nice thing to say. And I certainly don’t trust him. He made him cry when my mam was holding him whilst he was asleep. My dad shouted at my mam and he woke up crying. My dad tries to dominate everyone.

should I just ignore them and treat them like they just aren’t there? should i let them walk all over me and admit i’m wrong when I am not to try to keep things calm? I dont think that’s very fair

This open post was written 5 months ago | V/U/S: 430, 16, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (11 minutes after post)

If you read this please dont be put off replying if I am offline. I really want to talk about this. its been bugging me for ages. but it will be one in the morning for me soon and i need to be up early.Im going to be really busy tomorro. I will be back again soon

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

Anonymous #
5 months ago (26 minutes after post)

As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, emotionally and physically abusive environment, I can tell you this: True freedom only comes from finally striking it out on your own. This is not advice I would give someone younger, but since you’re already in college, it’s just about the right age for you to learn this. I dropped out of college, walked away from the college funds due me and pursued a career without benefit of a college degree to obtain my freedom.

I also eventually sought out much needed therapy to try to make sense of all that had occurred in my childhood and what on earth had been going on in the minds of those who raised me.

There is one absolute truth that you must understand and adhere to: As long as you are living under someone else’s roof, you must always respect their ways and their rules - no matter how much it irks or even hurts you. Their roof: their rules. If you want a better, happier life then it’s up to you to make the decision to get out from under their roof and provide one for yourself. If this means initially walking away from funds and continued education, then those just might be the temporary sacrifices you’ll have to make - you can always pick up where you left off with your education at a later time.

As to your current “feelings” about your parents: it may be too soon just now to come to terms with those - at some point, you may want to seriously consider seeking therapy to help you sort out your feelings and emotions.

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (9 hours, 58 minutes after post)

I would rather not respect their ways, and they kick me out, then I could get help to find a place. my sister got kicked out because my dad hated her and my sis wouldn’t back down when she was right. fcourse she was weaker physically, but she never gave in to him. thank you for your help and your reply. i’m gonna have to do some thinking.

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

turner.bell 2 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months ago (2 days after post)

:( good luck. It doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do, except try to tough it out and then get as far away as possible once you can move out. You’d have to be incredibly tolerant to be able to forgive all that

Help me with: I’m going to a 1920’s themed ball.

This reply has been removed.

Ronrodg5 0 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

If your only staying there because of uni then I don’t think it’s worth it taking crap from your parents just to go to a school because they might not pay for it. Just save your money and get an apartment or something and just keep working for enough money for college so you can still go to uni.

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

yep! exactly! no way am i gonna be like my parents. thanks for your replys

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

Ronrodg5 0 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

If you want someone to talk to just email me at. i> small>(email removed) /small> /i>

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

Ronrodg5 wrote:
If your only staying there because of uni then I don’t think it’s worth it taking crap from your parents just to go to a school because they might not pay for it. Just save your money and get an apartment or something and just keep working for enough money for college so you can still go to uni.

thank you. I think that basically that is the main reason that i am still at home. my dad earns a fair bit, but probably wouldn’t help me if I didnt live at home. but he said that he wouldnt let me have any money anyway when I had an argument with him, even though my mam had been saving up for me. but alot of the times they dont carry out the things they threaten me with. so i never have clue what to listen to and cant differentiate between when they are serious about something or not serious about something.

I really want to move out. i think i’m going to have to stick in one more year at college. I really need a job. i had an interview this week and I got turned down and didn’t get it. It’s really hard to get a job at the moment, but there’s nothing I can do until I get one. I’m going to have to keep trying.

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

Ronrodg5 0 #
An Unknown Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

Ronrodg53(at)yahoo(dot)com

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

I read a post yesterday and it dawned on me that maybe I could be the stronger person and admit being in the wrong just so things can run smoothly, as my mam is too immautre to admit she was in the wrong and started a big dilema. I then realised that my mam would use this against me even more so there’s no point. its impossible getting on with her.

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (5 days after post)

thank you

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 5 months ago (6 days, 12 hours after post)

well things seem to be running more smoothly at home now. my mam has appoligised so we’re getting on abit better now. I can get away with not getting on with one of them.as long as I can get on with one of them I’ll be ok. thank you for your help

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

This reply has been removed.

agaperoot 505 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 3 weeks ago (2 months, 1 week after post)

Jetmoo,
I understand this post is old but I really need to reply to you. I hope that you will get this. I understand what you are going through, I grew up with a mom who has a Borderline Personality Disorder.(b.p.d.) There is a website called b.p.d. central that is very helpful people who can chat about this stuff together. I t sounds to be like she has a lot of these traits and maybe your dad as well. I was tearing up when I read about the locking you and then your sister into the closet, we my sis and I went through this with the second husband she had. Mom would never admit she did anything wrong just leave out stuff and complain on the phone as well to her mother. No one outside see’s this bad side of them, and so they can not understand when u tell them. I am trying to forgive my mother still after she abused my grandmother, and it has ben hard. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this, it is very scary as a child, and leaves u unsteady.
Take care,hope to hear from u
:)

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jetmoo 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 month, 1 week ago (3 months, 3 weeks after post)

Thank you for your reply, I’ve had a look on that site, and looked at the article I hate you, don’t leave me, and it really does sound like my mam. probably why I always say that I’ll never understand her or my dad for that matter(but I don’t know if he’s as bad, the way he used to act may have been reactions from my mams behaviour). I think your right, but if I ever tried to suggest anything then she would be really defensive and would deny things so there’s not much point it taking it further. I think she probably does have it, but saying anything would probably cause bother. It’s not always a constant thing, she isnt always nasty,sometimes she’s lovely. but she does seem to have those traits.

Sorry you had a hard time growing up too and about your grandma

my mam has alot of weird behaviours. She doesnt actually sleep in a bed. she sleeps on the couch with the t.v on all night. She basically sees herself as someone who does all the housework everyday. and her excuse of staying up is that she never has anytime to herself during the day, to do what she wants. So she will stay up and watch her programmes. She is also absolutely obsessed with crafting things, we have a room full of boxes and crafting things. she is always buying things. even when she was on holiday,she called me to ask if I would find out what was on “the pick of the day” that is WAY to far. It’s like she’s in her little fantasy world. I think that it seems that she locks herself away from reality sometimes and surrounds herself with things she thinks are lovely-positive things, to protect her from thinking of the past and the hurt that she has been through with my dad. It is very confusing.
and years ago if we came in and we could tell that she’s been drinking and ask her if she had, she would denyin it. and then when we would find a nearly empty bottle of brandy in the cupboard then she would say “so what, what’s wrong with having a drink?” kind of thing. and she believes in God but I think she finds it hard to accept that not everyone believes the same thing and that that does not make them stupid.

I’m not sure if she sees everything as either good or evil, there may be an in between but I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it. but I know that when she would drink there would ALWAYS be arguments,(not as often now, but occansionally) even on xmas day once because my dad asked my mam to turn the xmas music down abit cos he was trying to talk while he was putting the dinner out and couldn’t hear and she accused him of trying to spoil everyone’s fun and she tried arguing with him.

I also remember another time when me, my dad and mam were on holiday. we were out seeing a horse show thing and my mam was trying to take pictures of them on the camera. but the camera setting was on taking videos instead of pictures. So I tired to help her by putting it on the right setting. just then the battery went on it-it had ran out.And she was saying “what have you done to do it?” and was shouting at me blaming me as if I was trying to stop her from talking pics.I know that she definately thought that I was evil then, but it was really her. I ended up crying my eyes out with her still shouting at me and went back to the caravan. and she never did say sorry. and when she used to drink she hated everyone, saying I don’t want to know you. and calling me a Bit ch ect. and later on when she fell asleep on the toilet i would try to help her up and on to the couch. and she wouldn’t have a clue what she had done when drinking.

Thank you for your reply, I've had a look on that site, and looked at the article I hate you, don't leave me, and it really does sound like my mam. probably why I always say that I'll never understand her or my dad for that matter(but I don't know if he's as bad, the way he used to act may have been reactions from my mams behaviour). I think your right, but if I ever tried to suggest anything then she would be really defensive and would deny things so there's not much point it taking it further. I think she probably does have it, but saying anything would probably cause bother. It's not always a constant thing, she isnt always nasty,sometimes she's lovely. but she does seem to have those traits.

Sorry you had a hard time growing up too and about your grandma

my mam has alot of weird behaviours. She doesnt actually sleep in a bed. she sleeps on the couch with the t.v on all night. She basically sees herself as someone who does all the housework everyday. and her excuse of staying up is that she never  has anytime to herself during the day, to do what she wants. So she will stay up and watch her programmes. She is also absolutely obsessed with crafting things, we have a room full of boxes and crafting things. she is always buying things. even when she was on holiday,she called me to ask if I would find out what was on "the pick of the day" that is WAY to far. It's like she's in her little fantasy world. I think that it seems that she locks herself away from reality sometimes and surrounds herself with things she thinks are lovely-positive things, to protect her from thinking of the past and the hurt that she has been through with my dad. It is very confusing.
and years ago if we came in and we could tell that she's been drinking and ask her if she had, she would denyin it. and then when we would find a nearly empty bottle of brandy in the cupboard then she would say "so what, what's wrong with having a drink?" kind of thing. and she believes in God but I think she finds it hard to accept that not everyone believes the same thing and that that does not make them stupid.

I'm not sure if she sees everything as either good or evil, there may be an in between but I'm not sure. I haven't really thought about it. but I know that when she would drink there would ALWAYS be arguments,(not as often now, but occansionally) even on xmas day once because my dad asked my mam to turn the xmas music down abit cos he was trying to talk while he was putting the dinner out and couldn't hear and she accused him of trying to spoil everyone's fun and she tried arguing with him.

I also remember another time when me, my dad and mam were on holiday. we were out seeing a horse show thing and my mam was trying to take pictures of them on the camera. but the camera setting was on taking videos instead of pictures. So I tired to help her by putting it on the right setting. just then the battery went on it-it had ran out.And she was saying "what have you done to do it?" and was shouting at me blaming me as if I was trying to stop her from talking pics.I know that she definately thought that I was evil then, but it was really her. I ended up crying my eyes out with her still shouting at me and went back to the caravan. and she never did say sorry. and when she used to drink she hated everyone, saying I don't want to know you. and calling me a Bit ch ect. and later on when she fell asleep on the toilet i would try to help her up and on to the couch. and she wouldn't have a clue what she had done when drinking.

Help me with: Have you ever been so happy that you have cried?

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