Love help: I’m an older adult female that’s so depressed I don’t know what to do. - Help.com

You ended your post with Starshine3. I’m guessing that is your name here. Such a beautiful name and thought. I hope that you can feel that again. This is a terrible thing that happened to you. The bright spot is that you should be divorced soon and I hope have a restraining order in place too. Either have that order or move away to someplace where he can’t find you. You would not want to have him destroy the life that you build in the future. I would also change my name so he couldn’t destroy anything you create online (I have no idea if a restraining order is of value in that but there must be something). Do you have family that can help you through this? I agree that you do need friends. To find them maybe join a church or a civic organization or teach beginning art classes for adults, maybe for adult education in a school.

See a doctor about getting on an antidepressant. They can be of great help to get you over this traumatic time. If you are on one and don’t feel it is helping go back and tell the doctor and keep going until you can find one that helps. As far as starting another relationship with a man is concerned, I would wait at least a year before committing to any one person. Statistics show that relationships entered into permanently in the next 2 years have a 70% chance of breaking up. You need the time to emotionally unhinge from your past and find your real self again, the woman who is and can feel like Starshine. Good luck to you, I hope you find everything you need to be happy–

It’s late for me since I’m in pain but thanks for the email I’ll write more tomorrow.
Starshine3

Did you ever read “the secret”?
Please DO!
You will feel reborn again, so empowered happy a full of strength. Its an easy book to read and it basically gives you the Key to life’s happiness.
You can be, have and feel everything you want!

Be strong!

Hug

Hi Bella,

Yes I have read “The Secret”, and was truly inspired. I love to read and often find solutions through the written word.
I believe I’m so low because this has gone on for so long. If I were physically well it would be so much easier to go forward. I was so very active my entire life I always felt sure I could take care of myself. I’m watching things falling apart around me & have to depend on others to help me.

I have to force myself to apply for some grants to continue with my art. Being an artist is quite expensive and I don’t have an updated professional portfolio any more. Although many art organizations etc. have bent the rules and excepted my work without meeting the criteria of the exhibition. Just recently I came across a book that would be published online & in print, They were accepting only cds to enter. I emailed them & briefly described my circumstances. They said they were already familiar with my work & to just send my slides & they would take care of the format. I was thrilled but still haven’t done because I’ve been so ill & have had to pay attention to what was needed for my divorce to go forward.

I’m just so worn out. Thanks for caring.

Starshine3

Hi Starshine3

It must be so hard to be ill, in pain, depressed and getting divorced. I can’t imagine applying for a grant while going through all this. Is there no one who could help you out at least to mail your slides for you–another artist or maybe gallery owner perhaps? Do you have medical insurance? Can doctors help you with your pain (both physical and emotional)? Are you able to spend at least some time with your art? I do hope so. Creating a work of art is so soul soothing in ways no other activity can equal. Write back and keep us updated so we can brainstorm into some kind of help for you but it is hard to do with just words and from afar. (Anon. from reply 1)

Hi,
Many people have been helping me as much as they can. This has just gone on for too long. An assistant is one thing I really need. Often I have to ship work to NYC or elsewhere. Not only is it expensive but practically impossible for me to get the work out. I also need help getting to open nights. Driving when it’s dark in areas that I’m not familiar with is also challenging. But I really need to go on with my work. My doctors often ask me how I can continue to work since my hands are deformed from an aggressive form of arthritis and I can’t usually sit, stand or walk for more than 15 minutes or so. I always tell them it’s divine intervention. I can’t work on a piece as long at one sitting that I used to but I can still produce the work. Each piece takes about 150 hrs. Today I’m going to force myself to start on one of the grants.

Yesterday I was hopeful until the mail came & my support check didn’t come. I had planned to do my bills first & then move on to the grant,

I do have medical insurance but my soon (I hope)to be ex had a $5,000. deductible on it. I have finally met the deductible so I will be able to have a lumbar epideral and any other procedures I might need. Of course I still have to pay all the Dr. bills that led me to reaching the deductible. The Dr.’s have all said I can pay whatever I can. March of 08 I had many little strokes (TIA’s) on both sides of my brain. I was lucky though they didn’t harm me in any significant way, but the threat of being “salad by Sunday” is always there.

I do go to counseling to help me cope with all the pressures. Living in poverty is humilating at my age. When I talked about missing a male companion, I meant I just want a companion. I love my children, grandcchildren & women friends but it doesn’t fill the void of feeling like a woman.

Peace,
Starshine3

P.S. Please forgive the spelling I can’t find spell check!

Considering all your problems , spell check is is the least of them, I don’t think anyone cares about that or grammar either. Thanks for the above info, it does help understanding. Wow $5,000 deductible, I had $3500 and I thought it was huge. After the divorce will you be eligible for Cobra? Most people don’t elect to take it because it is so expensive but there is new (Obama) legislation in effect that supplements 75% of the payments for 18 months for the unemployed and I believe underemployed. I would look into the income requirements of that before I turned down Cobra benefits. Here in CT towns have social services departments so we can just go to town hall and speak to someone about any qualifying benefits our situation qualifies us for. Also the phone number 211 gets all the social service information that may apply in any given situation. Not all states have this in effect but calling the library reference department probably could get you an answer as to where to get more information. You only have 3 months from the divorce to qualify for the Cobra benefits otherwise you forfeit any chance to obtain it. You might be able to get a policy with no deductible but would just have copays to pay at the point of service. Aries on this site, is a very knowlegable person and she has a number of posts that deal with the issue of being unemployed, underemployed, homeless and without benefits. I have no idea how to direct you to the information but can copy and paste in a future reply. I am so glad to know that your doctors are being kind to you and that you have children and grandchildren that are supportive. Please let us know how we can be of help?

Hi,

It helps to know someone out there cares. I’m so tired of talking about it to family & friends. I often try to change the subject & just engage in some normal chit chat. Unfortunately, today is not one of those days. I feel like giving up.

I like to try & find the good in everyone but this man did so many crazy things I find myself afraid to trust my own judgement. I did have an order of protection in the very beginning but one night in jail solved the problem. He does believe he’s smarter than most & above the law. I believe he’s mentally unsound and has always had neuralogical problems.

As far as Cobra goes thanks for the information. I haven’t done the research yet. We are going to try and get him to pay for a period of time.

Why are you on this help site? Can I give you a shoulder to lean on?
Starshine3

Gee, I got here by accident. I typed help in the search bar and hit return before I could type the rest–I can’t view my thumbnails (pictures)–not a vision defect–in my favorite photography site. When I saw help.com, I was intrigued. I posted my problem and didn’t get an answer but a scheduled update of Windows fixed the problem. I am an older woman who is divorced and went back to school for a masters in marriage and family therapy. I did my internship but had difficulty finding a job since almost all job require a license. The license requires 2 years of work (1000 patient contact hours and 100 hours of supervision) and a difficult and expensive written test. After a year out of work, I found a job as a weight management counselor. It was a self pay program which ended after about 5 years. As enrollment declined, I worked part time in a doctor’s office and now work full time as an office manager at a doctor’s office. The hours are long and the pay low and like many people, I am a few paychecks from poverty. I may be poor but I am happy now that I am divorced. I do what I want, when I want to. Unfortunately I have no retirement so I will have to work forever which is OK. I just don’t know if I have the stamina to work this particular job forever. But I feel lucky to have a job when unemployment is creeping toward double digits. I have wonderful children, extended family and good friends I can count on. I just feel that I can’t contribute all that education in any meaningful way at the job I am in, so this (help.com) is a good outlet for me. I think if I won the lottery (my retirement plan :)), I’d spend a lot more time here. I don’t feel I have any problems at all when I read what people like you are going through and if I put myself in your shoes I would be so distraught. How sweet of you to ask about me. With an attitude like that and some distance from that marriage and some good medical help, I expect that your life will change so much for the better. Sorry that there are these hurdles for you now.

I’m a person that tries to give her all to relationships. I used to love doing small unexpected things for people. I always listened carefully to their likes & dislikes so I could surprize them occassionally.

My hope is soon this will all be behind me and I hope the “flower child” I’ve always been returns. I’m a bit bruised but I pray this won’t keep me from reaching out again.

Hard as it is you’re lucky to be able to work. I could do so much in one day when I was well. Sometimes it makes me angry with God. I see mean, deceptive people reaping all kinds of rewards and wonder why they should have an easy life while mine is so difficult. It seems unfair that you put all your time & effort into your education & not be able to use it.

But I’ve also had some great moments that many others haven’t had.

Talk to tomorrow,
Starshine3

Hello Starshine3,

I am now learning that us females tend to do that:give our all to the other person when we are in a relationship!
But the secret to a healthy relationship is to give ourselves all, instead of the other person. I used to buy gifts to my parter that I would never dare to spend that much money on myself, I’d feel guilty if I did.
Another thing that women do is to give things or do thing to please the parter, that they did not ask for. Even though we say its from the heart, we always expect something back, either the same gesture, the same commitment, the same gift or a reaction of appreciation that fills our hearts. But we gorget…He Did Not Ask For It…So we get sad, disappointed and frustrated if we do not get what we want.
Start loving yourself, give yourself everything!!!
Men appreciate us more when we are so full of life and self love. And you only gain from it.
You have to love yourself so much that you will not need someone else to complete you. Whoever will come to your life will share of the love you are already giving yourself instead of filling your void.
This way, whatever happens, you will always have your primary source of happiness:Yourself, your heart(unbroken).

All the best to you!
Virtual Hug!

Hi,

It’s hard to describe what happened to me because he isn’t mentally stable. These were not regular issues that you expect in a relationship. I learned years ago when I was married (19 yrs.) to the father of my children that I had to love myself. When I speak of giving it’s without expecting anything in return. My pleasure came from the act of making someone happy & it was never about spending heaps of money.

During the 7 yrs. we dated we might have had 3 arguments. We discussed how we felt about money issues, kids (mine were grown but returned occassionally) etc. I thought we agreed beautifully and so did he (Ha!). As soon as we married I became the enemy. When we were going to sell our homes & buy one together we needed to put all our cards on the table. My house was paid off. I needed to know what his portflio consisted of and his bills. He blew and took all the money out of our bank accounts & left me (after 3 mos. of marriage). He did this about 4 times during the course of our marriage.

He got down right scary when we moved. During a backout because of a storm, I counldn’t find him (the house didn’t have a basement & wasn’t that large). I found him laying UNDER our bed in the dark!

Gotta go to counseling so see you later.
Starshine3

Bella you are absolutely right your words are so applicable to almost every woman under usual circumstance. Starshine’s marriage is highly unusual. Her first marriage lasted 19 years so she was totally capable of adapting to the problems in a long term relationship. Not only did she marry (this subsequent marriage) someone that had a growing biological reason for mental illness, but curing that biological illness left him worse and as she describes scary and her assessment is correct. I don’t think too many people come home from a honeymoon to find that the person they married is someone so totally different especially after a 7 year prior relationship. Marriages that fall into this category have physically and emotionally abusive partners, addicts that keep their addiction secret and people with severe personality disorders. These people choose someone they can use. They are clever enough to go for years without showing their scary or perverse side, that is how severe their pathology is. No amount of marriage counseling could put this marriage back together nor should anyone try to do that under these circumstances. I am concerned for her safety after the divorce–he is that scary. I just hope enough careful attention is in place legally in terms of protecting her long after this marriage ends. Glad she has counseling. :)

To Anonymous & Bella,

My counseling was cut yesterday by my state’s budget, but I’ll find another. I need counseling to help me with coping skills.
I haven’t begun to tell you guys about half the sick things he did. He has strange sleeping habits. He’s up anywhere from 2:00am - 4:00am. He promised he would stop because I became disabled 3 months after we married & waking so early was causing me more pain. That didn’t last. As soon as we moved he gradually worked his way back to those hours. He changed his work hrs. and said I was crazy they were never 9-5. This man has an important management job. He had 2 computers going in his home office plus his laptop. While waiting for a fax I leaned on the computer (I was not snooping) and his “Favorites” came up and they were teen sex sites. Then I did start to snoop and found a disk marked “my personal photos”. They were pictures of my next door neighbors (who we used to be best friends with) daughter & her friend before their prom. It was so frightening since I had 2 Grandaughters that were teens.

I have to get ready for an appointment with my pain specialist but I’ll be back later. This was such a sick relationship that I believe 1/2 my physical problems are caused by the constant stress. I think his problems are both from nature & nuture. His sister is just as ill. They shared a room all the way into adulthood. I didn’t know this when I married him. I am afraid of him. He likes to lurk. He told me when we separated the first time that he used to follow me around. I have no doubt he’s a sociopath. Wait til I tell you about when his head etc. started to grow! Seriously!
Starshine3

Has he been in trouble with the law ever that you know about? Does his sister know about his “problems”? Makes me wonder about those family dynamics. Will you feel safe after the divorce? I am afraid for you even knowing the little that I do. Is there a lot I don’t know to make this unrealistic? I would like to know about your thoughts on your personal safety now and for the future. It seems you have a very healthy attitude with respect to needing to change therapists. I hope your new one is able to help you as much and as well as you deserve. Could you also see someone from social services through your town, county or state? That may help in ways counseling isn’t able to address. Social workers are so resourceful on so many levels. I also hope your pain management appointment provided you with much needed relief.