This was written by my wife about our daughter. - Help.com

This was written by my wife about our daughter.

She wanted to share it with someone, so she could somehow help someone out there, but she didn’t know who to send it to. I then considered that this sight would be a good one.

September 25th 2008

5:00pm - I was driving down the road, the wind blowing through the window, through my hair. The sun was shining, reflecting off the shades on my sunglasses, keeping the harmful rays from my delicate eyes’ pupils. I looked at my watch on my wrist, the sun seemed to beam off everything; the silver border glistened like a star in the middle of a cool summer’s night. The arms directed the time at 5:00pm, exactly. The roads were clearly building up while everyone made their way home from a busy day at the office. I wasn’t. I was on my way to “Waterfront” for a dinner with my partner, Jared. We weren’t engaged, weren’t married, but we were so truly in love, and we both knew it.

I was tired, so this dinner would have been the ultimate relaxation. Jared would be meeting me there after he had finished working, so I’m sure he was hanging out the whole day, as was I. I looked at my watch again as I came to a stop at the traffic lights. It was only a few minutes since I last checked, but I couldn’t help. The roads quickly became more congested, but eventually the roads were flowing well into Sydney’s inner city.

Everything was normal, the traffic light ahead of me was directing me that it was okay to continue through the intersection, there were only a few other vehicles around. I came closer and closer to the intersection, and as I began crossing, I noticed the vehicle on my right suddenly brake, so I did too. But I wasn’t fast enough; I didn’t even know why I was braking in the first place. This thought was the quickest I had put through my system, but before it could even finish, I felt impact taken on the left hand side of the vehicle. The next thing I knew I could feel the car… thud…thud…thud…thud… Each thud the car made, the darker everything became and the more delirious I became.

I didn’t know what had happened; I was in a total state of shock. I couldn’t move. I felt like I was losing my breath. Everything was not only dark inside the vehicle but it was almost silent. It was similar to sitting in the middle of a paddock, a million miles away from any civilisation and the only noise was you. The only noise was my breathing. Quick, and breathless, is what you’d expect after such an experience. I could hear voices asking for me, but I couldn’t respond. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to – I couldn’t. It was if there was something that had taken over my body that disallowed this function. All I could do was lie there and hope everything would be okay. At this point I didn’t know if the person who ran into my vehicle was okay either, this was the main worry I had resting on my shoulders right at that time.

I could feel something wet on my face. I lifted my arm, and reached my fingers for my forehead, just above my right eyebrow. I looked back at my finger, and as hard as it was to see, I could tell it was blood. The dark shadow on my fingers stood out well enough against my pale white fingers, it was enough to see. It wasn’t that the car was dark, my mind had gone dark. I couldn’t see light properly, everything had been dulled out. I’m sure the position and the shape would not be helpful at the moment as to the light allowance through the mangled wreck of my vehichicle, I was driving in no more than ten minutes ago. The pain was intense, but it was the same, I couldn’t express it. I could only just sit and deal with it. That’s all I could do.

Suddenly a beam of light flashed through the wreck after what I thought was years, was in fact only ten minutes or so. The glow of the fresh, golden sunlight shone through the door as the ambulance officer opened it. The true extent of the amount of blood lost was evident as the light reflected off the pool of blood. It glistened like the ocean; an ocean that was full of blood. Tears rolled from my eyes, I could feel it run down my cheek and land on the back of my hand. It was difficult to judge if it was blood or a tear without looking because there was an even flow of each. Both were warm, both recognised the pain I was in at the time. I closed my eyes for a moment. It was if my eyelids were made of steel, and were forcing themselves shut, but I was still there. I felt something warm touch my face; not a tear, not blood. A hand reached in from the left hand side door and stroked my face. It was as if I had entered heaven; the hand stroke felt so familiar and very welcome. It was the first moment of comfort I had felt since the start of the whole ordeal.

The last of this that I remember was the ambulance officer giving me the support I needed while awaiting to be removed. While he was talking to me, each sentence seemed to be quieter and slower than the previous and so on. Eventually it must have completely stopped, and this is where I fell unconscious. Past this point, I do not remember anything more at the accident scene. For my sanity this was probably a good thing, I am not sure what I would have done had I had to face everyone on the outside watching in awe. I would have been so uncomfortable with all of the staring eyes directed on me at the worst time of my life.

The other driver did not suffer any major injuries from the car accident; though both of his legs were broken caused by the impact when the two hit and crushed the front of their vehicle. Though, this accident was fatal. I clearly was not the fatality, and nor was the other driver. I had a passenger in my vehicle, the only thing that kept me going through the whole ordeal.

I regained consciousness within an hour or so after arriving in the emergency room, so I was informed. My bleeding had been just about controlled, and overall everything was in a stable condition. I stared at the roof, the machines and all of the equipment that I was significantly familiar with. I recognized a number of the nurses and doctors walking around the emergency department, being colleagues of mine. It wasn’t until now did I realise I was where I worked. I was here at the Public Hospital’s Emergency Department in Sydney. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think I would ever be able to face work here again, especially after my colleagues seeing me in this state.
Sadly, I could remember everything in detail that had previously happened, as much as I hated. To this day, I still remember in detail what happened on September 25th 2008.

Shortly after my realisation, I came to terms with where I was, what had just happened and what was going to happen from here on in. I was then visited by my doctor and an emergency nurse. I knew them both, the nurse very well at that. We had been friends since I started working there in early 2005. I was here notified that I was having heavy bleeding. To this date, I was just on sixteen weeks pregnant, and any trauma to the uterus and surrounding area, poses threat to an unborn child, especially when they’re so early and so small. I was then told that the baby probably wouldn’t make it going by the circumstances. An ultrasound was performed and there was a heartbeat, but it was nowhere near as fast as it should have been. I was told there was nothing that could be done if I were to lose it; I would only have to wait and see. I wasn’t awake much longer after this, and until I fell into unconsciousness I could only lie staring at the roof, hoping for the best.

September 28th 2008

It was a few days before I regained consciousness again, when I woke up in a ward. At least this way I wouldn’t have had to face too many people I knew while they were working as I did in the Emergency Room. Later that afternoon (after the morning I woke up) I was informed if my current health status and was informed while unconscious I suffered from a seizure, linked to the head injuries I had suffered from the accident. I then asked about my baby whom I had been carrying for the last sixteen weeks. She passed the night of the accident at 11:56pm on September 25th 2008 while I was not conscious. Jared was there when she arrived, so at least she had one parent with her; to hold her. My biggest fear had been met, my little girl had died. I never once held her, nor did I even see her. I don’t think I could have held myself together to do so anyway, but it still hurts and I am filled with guilt that I never did so. That day we named her Emily Laylah, though I think Jared let me slip in the names – he’s like that to people; he thinks about others before himself, no matter the circumstance. I at least knew that when Emily arrived she was in great hands of her loving father, and I myself would trust him with my life.

Emily should know that Mummy and Daddy love her very, very much and nothing will ever take her place in both our hearts. We will remember her forever and ever, and will always be our first born daughter. Hugs and Kisses xoxo

I am now pregnant again, and this one seems to be sticking, hopefully this will bring new hope to couples and singles who have miscarried or lost a child.

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