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I Just Need to Vent

I dont really expect anyone to reply to this or even read it . . . but i just need to get a few things off my chest. And before you read any further, if you dont like sport frustrations and stressors, i guess you probably shouldnt continue.

But anyway . . .

Soccer is a game Ive loved to play for a long time. Not so much watching it or cheering on a particularly team, but just playing it in general has brought me a lot of joy, whether with a team or just by myself at home.

But this year has been so stressful for me, so frustrating, so infuriating . . . and also just so depressing for me in this area.

The coach we have this year i dont like very much. In fact, in all honesty, ive come to a stage where i now loathe the sight of him. And overall its because of one key reason; he has helped destroy the comfort and enjoyment i got from playing soccer. Destroyed it to the extent where i now wake up on game days with dread, fear and a massive sense of worthlessness.

These feelings came from a build of a small things i guess over the course of the season to what they are now. He is very intolerant of minor mistakes or mishaps. And i mean VERY intolerant. A mistake can result in him screaming and screaming and screaming at you for not doing this right and not doing that right. On and on and on, it would be a one way onslaught. And all we can do is keep playing and try to ignore it.

If you stood up for yourself, your sent off and made to feel pathetic about yourself, all because you just got sick of being screamed at.

And now we’re half way through the season, and the next insult has hit - players are basically going to be graded on performance and if you dont impress him enough, your basically going to sit on the bench for the rest of the season. And some of you might say, “well fair enough, afterall its a competition and the ultimate goal is to win overall”. And to some degree i agree with you. But on another level i dont. For one thing, the amount of money we have to pay just to play is $180 - $200 for a season. To be paying that much, only to be left to sit on the bench game after game is so insulting. The second gripe i have with this is that we are not a professional team, nor a 1st grade team. We are effectively a basic amateur team playing in a relatively small town league. Such a decision maybe acceptable in the pro leagues when the stakes are higher but not when the stakes are boasting rights at work the next day. I cant find the words to express my disgust at such a decision. This infuriates me so much hearing this.

And it destroys all confidence i once had in myself.

I confess that my self esteem and confidence is quite unstable. The smallest little bumps or hiccups on the road of my life can bring me down hard, making me so depressed, anxious and miserable.

I came into this season with so much confidence. So much excitement. So much potential. But this single man; no more important then you or I, has completely destroyed it all in a matter of 1 1/2 months.

And i write to you tonight no longer the strong player i started as but now a broken one questioning whether i still want to play or not. Questioning my love for it. Questioning my confidence at not only soccer, but my abilities outside of soccer too; feeling more worthless at life then anything.

How could i allow this to get to me so much? How?

This is such a minor part of my week and yet it is taking over much of my life.

It feels like i have so much to lose. So little to gain. And no way to unleash the energy burning inside me on the field.

Maybe im being childish. After all, it is nothing more then a game.

So i guess by now you’ve already made your mind up about me, probably a more negative typecast then that of a positive one.

I guess why i came here today was just to give my self some sort of relief. To convince myself that someone would actually read this and empathize. To no longer feel alone with such a deflated level of esteem and confidence.

In anycase, ive still got to confront my fears tomorrow and my coach. Hopefully getting some of this off my chest will clear my mind to allow me to play the way i do, and more importantly, clear my mind on my day to day life so that i can try and enjoy life more then fight it.

This open post was written 4 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 133, 2, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

SOCCER, Confidence, fear (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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