I’m so broken inside…

This post left anonymously

I’m so broken inside…

I thought I got over these feelings a long time ago. With much counseling, support from my family and personal growth I thought I had become..”better.” I feel as worthless as ever. It all started with an abusive, bastard of a step father. Grew with the loss and torment from what my “first love” put me through as she told me I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her while she screwed most of the people I knew. The swelling in my heart..the knot in my throat..the self abuse that I put myself through inside my mind every single day for the past 4 years has festered and plagued me to the point where I see no escape other then my own demise. I’m only 17, and I feel that I’ve already chosen my path in life, and it’s heading right off a cliff. From the abuse of my mother’s third husband (the first would be my sisters father, then my father was next, then the abusive one, and now she currently has another) and constant ridicule from kids when I was little I became different. From afar, I look normal (trust me, it pains me to talk of myself in even a medicre status). I’m not weird, I’m not ugly. But I let things get through to me. I’ve been depressed since as long as I can remember. I saw my first psychologist when I was about 9, and he was the first person that told me that I was mature in a state of mind that even most adults can’t quite grasp yet. From being depressed I lost sleep. I grew tired during the days I had school. I would get far behind, get bad grades not because I wasn’t intelligent but just because my mind couldn’t allow me to progress in even what I had wanted or was expected to. From spending hours in school being made fun of for no apparent reason, to going home and listening to the ridicule from a higher (age) stand point while my mother would sit there and bite her lip. I never had good grades, and therefore I was punished for it (not including my mother’s husband). I never in my life felt that I ammounted to anything better other then what I was dealt. That it’s what I deserved. That for some reason I did something in my life that I deserved every single ounce of suffering I was put through because I had done something somewhere that punishment was in order. I fell deeply in love with the first girlfriend I ever had, and when I think of it I have no idea why. I think it was just because she seemed interested in me. I would wonder for hours what would make someone be interested in me, that quite possibly she saw something in me that I couldn’t..that she knew that there was a reason for me to be a better person. We dated for a year, and it was fine for the first 6 months or so and then it just hit me again. Around that time we were dating is when I found the first signs of her disinterest. Talking to other people (she was bisexual apparently), flirting with other people, hearing stories from friends of her seducing and even screwing other people…..and I allowed it. How could I let her go? She was such an amazing person for giving someone like me a chance I had to stick it out. And all I did was let her rip my heart to shreds. Eventually I got enough nerve and will to break it off and all I did was feel depressed that I ever did. I got over it a few years ago..but all it did was restart the vicious cycle. Except this time, it wasn’t the physical abuse from my step father, it was mental abuse from someone that I believe had truely cared about me. The lies and deceit cut just as deep. I ended up ruining my grades again, got behind in school yet again, and ended up ruining my education. I ammounted to a high school G.E.D graduate, sitting in a class excluded from the rest of the school where the people that I knew and cared about were going about their daily lives while I sat in a portable with mindless, ingorant individuals that cared about nothing and noone. They truely were meant to be there. And I couldn’t help but think that I belonged there too. At around that point in time, it had come out of the dark that apparently my social security is ruined. See when I was born, my mother was either arguing with and did it to upset my dad, or she did it because she knew that their relationship wouldn’t last. Ether way, she had my name last name the same as hers (which was her first husbands at the time). My name was changed years later to my dads last name, but my social wasn’t. It’s been about 4 months since I’ve completed my astounding, incredible, worth-mentioning achievement (sarcasm) that would be my G.E.D, and all I can do is sit at home because I can’t get a car, get a liscense, get a job, or sign up to attend my ” ” ” ” community college because my social is ruined and cannot be fixed until we get the right things in order WHICH will be accomplished god knows when. I feel as worthless as ever sitting in my home day after day not only that I have to but because I WAN’T to. I don’t want to go outside and see people..feel the sun..be a normal individual. The first thing I do when I get up is close all of the blinds, put the a.c on 68, turn my fan on and sit on my computer. I guess you could say that I’m rather lucky that I haven’t put on 014835 pounds because I’m for some reason still in shape. But I feel like a loser. My mother has had 2 more boys with her current husband and I just can’t help but feel out of place. I see my dad occasionally, but he’s had a daughter with his wife and they have their own family as well. The only sibling that I can somewhat relate to has already grown up (she’s 21 I believe) and is out and living about on her own. I just can’t help but wonder why. Why couldn’t I grow up with the family in which I was made. Why couldn’t I wake up every day and see my mom and dads happy faces, living together as a whole happy family. Why was it that I was cursed to live through moving 6 times as well as going to MULTIPLE schools so that it was impossible for me to keep any friends that I’ve made. And now we reach the core of this pointless, space-taking ramble-of-a-post : Why do I deserve this? I asked this question for many years with no answer. I talk to myself every day just because I can’t tell anyone else. I ask god why, I beg him to give me a sign that someone out there can hear me even though I know in my mind that I doubt there is any higher being(s) out there. That I’m alone in this god forsaken world with noone but myself. I have no chosen direction in life. No goal. No career to be pursued. And my birthday is in 2 months and if I don’t have my social sorted out before then I not only won’t be able to apply for community college, but I won’t have healthcare, and I won’t have credit. I feel like I ruined my life a long time ago and there’s just no way to get it on track. I’ve contemplated commiting suicide multiple times just to find out I don’t have the gut to do it. But lately..it’s all I can think about. I don’t think there is an escape this time. I talk to myself and it’s probably a serious problem. I tell myself that I’m worthless..I laugh at myself for being so pathetic..I tell myself that I deserve everything that’s happened to me..I never expect anything good to ever happen to me just because I know that when I recieve the worst it’s no suprise. How can I be let down if I never expect anything good? I just….want to die. I don’t think there is anything that I can possibly do. There’s plenty that I’m sure I’m capable of doing..but I just don’t feel like going on. I feel like giving up and moving on to something else. I’ve ruined everything..and I know that I’m not going to survive living in the world when I am truely alone. What is someone supposed to do that’s in my shoes? Hobbies don’t interest me..I’m a very social and kind person, but I’d rather not talk to anyone. I’ve had only 1 job in a sandwhich shop so I have no work experience. And god for bid if I do live long enough to go to a community college I’ll only get more ridicule as everyone that’s going to be there will be atleast 2 years older then me, and I won’t be able to drive so my mother would be dropping me off and picking me up. So what do I do.. Anyone.. Say what you want, respond if you’d like (you don’t have to). I’m only writing this as a source of output..I need the assurance that someone out there is hearing and understanding my pain.

Who am I kidding..I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself and hoping someone will make me feel like a better person..

This open post was written 4 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 345, 9, 7 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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}Fållęn{ 25 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (16 minutes after post)

Don’t worry. The first breakup is usally the worst. Vent all you want. You’re not alone. :)

Help me with: So this is goodbye.

red1263 0 #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (16 minutes after post)

Heh heh, you sound just like me, when I was your age, I felt the exact same way, I was lucky enough to have my family intact, but as years pass by, I’m learning about divisions in my family that I never knew. In this life, we have to learn to stand on our own feet, mostly because that that’s how we will be for a majority of our lives. However, the fact that you feel so depressed is a sign from your own body that you desperately need to change your ways. I’m sure if you commit suicide, you’ll cause great pain for your mother, and for the only sister that you can relate to. There’s an old saying that goes “Be the change that you want to see in this world” so all you need to do is simply decide, right here and now, that you want to change, it’ll be hard, life always is. but there’s always hope, if nothing else, search around this website for other people who feel the same way you do (Trust me, I just finished posting a reply for them) and see how hard their lives are, and see if you can help someone else, who’s even in more pain than you, maybe then, will you find a way to help yourself, my friend.

idontwanttoleaveanem #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (23 minutes after post)

I don’t have much in the way of answers. I got on here because I feel similar feelings. So whatever I type here, I should take my own advice…so I’m going to carefully answer.

There is a bigger picture for why we’re here. We can’t see it now, but I do believe God has some plan. Some reason for our existence. We have to have faith. It’s hard, especially when it seems like it would be so much easier to give up. But we have to believe. One step at a time. One moment at a time

So many people “start over” when they are older - like in their 40’s - so it’s possible to start from scratch. You have the advantage of being young - even if you start from scratch right now, you’re ahead of all of those people. You can do anything. Yes it will be hard. Yes it will take patience and time, but whatever it is, in a few years, you can complete it! So what if it takes seven years - you will only be 24 or 25 years old!! You could join the military, get money for college of your choice - maybe that’s an option. I can’t join the military now, I’m too old. If I take seven years at something, I might be dead! You’re obviously intelligent, you wrote a good story, your options are endless. Just make it a goal to create goals. One step at a time.

Other than that, I would say pray, talk to a different preacher or counselor, and trust yourself. You may not want to face your pain and your struggles, but you can face what you want - find some spot inside of you that knows what positive things you need, and trust it to guide you. Then do it. Again, one step at a time.

Good luck - even if I didn’t help, at least you know someone heard you. =)

This account has been deactivated.

artyam #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (25 minutes after post)

Hiding amongst other queries such as “how do i weigh my boobs” and “does my bf luv me”, yours struck me as unusually poignant. The main advice i can offer is try to distract yourself with things unrelated to your current lifestyle - it can be something as dramatic as travelling abroad to work with orphans in borneo, or as little as taking up cycling. Often i’ve felt a sensation of emptiness in life; perhaps that there is little point. But instead of endlessly asking what meaning there is to be found, we must instead apply our own meaning to life. You may feel empty and at a loss, but we have the power to do so much more than we realise.

“That I’m alone in this god forsaken world with noone but myself. I have no chosen direction in life. No goal.” - Promise me you won’t find false comfort in religion, though. There are any number of websites/pamphlets in circulation trying to lure in the emotionally vunerable.

This account has been deactivated.

Sigurrós 2 #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (49 minutes after post)

Congratz with your GED, you may not be jumping round the room cheering but you got it & noone did it for you. Try to be a little proud of yourself! As far as the what to do, maybe start hanging out here, you like sitting in your room behind your PC - so why not?

Maybe you’ll find that sense of purpose/direction. Your home life isn’t exactly stable - but you have lived in that home with those people, you have done it so you can do it and maybe it won’t change: but you’re 17 someday you’ll be able to move out (for love, for a job, because you can).

Millions of people live at home with their parents for ages (it’s really not that weird for someone in their 20s to still live at home), mostly because it’s cheap. And you are young, try to remember your life hasn’t even started yet, there are so many opportunities out there.

Try to see a positive side to this: at least you are thinking about what you want.

Help me with: Waiting for nothing.

peaceonearth 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (7 hours, 58 minutes after post)

i am listening. you are not alone. ever. look at how many responses you have received in only the past few hours- these people have never met you, but they care about you. they care about YOU. because YOU are not worthless. YOU made these people (including myself) feel for you, hope for you, in just a page of words. YOU are not pathetic. YOU are a human being who is suffering under his own self loathing. look at your self in the mirror. you have eyes,ears, a nose, a mouth. you have arms and legs and hands and feet. god gave those to you. buddha gave those to you. the Great Spirit gave those to you. and do you know why? because they knew that you are capable of great things. they knew that YOU are capable of magnificant things. YOU. dont think to yourself that i dont understand. that i couldnt see how you could never do anything great. i KNOW that you can. and you WILL. who cares about school right now? right now you need to get out of your house. you have only lived 17 years. and those years have been horrible for you. but you have 83 years left to make up for lost time. dont throw those years away! dont let me down. LOVE YOURSELF for me. because as crazy as it may sound, i love you. yes, i love you and im not crazy, or a creepy 40 year old man. infact, i would consider myself as a determined, pretty, smart highschool girl. and i am NOT going to let you die. please please please- today, use your feet to walk out of your room. use your hand to open you front door. step outside. and use you eyes to see the world. look! can you see how big it all is?! there is so much to be done in this world! we need everyones help to bring the world together and keep it spinning. especially you. if you rise above all of those obsticals that have crushed you in the past, and show them that you can change the world for the better- prove them wrong for treating you that way- but mostly show yourself that you NEVER, NEVERRRRRRRRR in a trillion years deserved the cruel childhood you had and the thoughts that you hurt yourself with- then you will live life. and love life. and meet people. and love people. and they will love you. but most importantly, you will love yourself.
go on a walk everyday starting today. TODAY. right now. start your new life as a real, valuable, beautiful, important, strong, independant, renewed man. a man that is YOU. and man that i love, because he touched my life with a few words. let me know that i have touched yours. i hope i did.

Help me with: i am in love with my best guy friend!

bmmitchel 0 #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 2 weeks ago (20 hours, 42 minutes after post)

I used to be a pretty negative person. I was kind and loving but so negative. I never believed things would work out for the better and for some reason I thought the world was out to get me. It was dificult for me to see the light, because things just kept going wrong for me. But the reason behind this was because I was wrong in thinking nothing could go right.

My mom used to tell me the more you think negatively the more negative your world tends to be and nothing will ever go the way you want.

My friend, things will go right in the end. You just have to believe that, you have to have faith. And talk with others. Go out in the world. Leave your computer and leap. There’s a lot out there, waiting for you. There is someone that needs you just as much as you need them. This could be a new beginning but you can’t start it until you’ve ventured out and made a name for yourself.

And don’t worry about your social security right now. In the meantime volunteer. Help someone that is in a worse state than you. Believe me, you will learn from them and you’ll begin to sense your real purpose.

In the meantime I’ll be praying for you. It’s a rough road ahead but I honestly believe you will get through it. You seem so strong and smart, you just need to believe in yourself a little.

Anonymous #
4 months, 2 weeks ago (1 day, 8 hours after post)

I can’t help but thank all of you for the kind words that you all have taken the time out of your days to post.. I’m suprised that there were responses and therefore I’m deeply appreciative of each and every one of you. To be honest, I’m a bit ashamed at the least of how I came off on a few certain subjects (i.e getting my G.E.D).. I was just rambling on and on and never really took the time to stop and check what I had written. But I’m very grateful for what everyone has said..Especially a certain few of you (I’m sure you know who you are)..You deffinately hit a note. Some days reality just hits me pretty hard and I can come off a bit dramatic and childish.. Normally I don’t go about posting random topics including random chunks of my life as there’s so much more to my story but..I hoped to sum it up with that post and give a general idea, not so much as to gain pity or “fish for compliments” but to give a bit of an understanding. I also wanted to say that I’m sorry this post was generalized in the forums and not specifically in a certain part of this site. The last thing I wanted to do was gain alot of unnecessary attention, but rather wanted to post anonymously as I was telling so much of myself and well..In the process of doing so (posting anonymously)it seemed to have just thrown the post out there on a random board..

But again..thank all of you. I’m not sure where I can start at bettering myself..I have so many issues and problems lol.. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.. I suppose I’ll hold on for as long as I can. I just hope some day very soon I’ll be able to actually pursue possibilities once I have my social on order, a car, and some cash on my pocket. It’s funny that you mention a walk “peaceonearth” not so much that I enjoy walks but rather I enjoy some aspects of life. I live in Florida and it’s unpleasantly hot and humid all the time but..I love the ocean..and I often dream of the mountains..and the snow.. I was thinking the other day that maybe..I’ll travel some day. Maybe even soon.. I’ve been in one spot for so long surrounded by the same people that have prolonged my stress, anxiety and depression my entire life. I would love to go backpacking cross-country or even around the world to see nature through a completely different aspect. I need to have something that I can remember if I do grow old one day..I would hate to jump right in to a desk job for 40 years of my life, retire and die…. Well.. here I am rambling again lol..

To sum it up once more, thanks again.. all of you. I just needed a little outside support..If I would have told any of this to anyone in my family I would have probably had all sorts of drama (that, or if I would have told my psychiatrist he would have tried to put me on some sort of medication). I’m far from believing in myself..far from getting over my problems..but feeling a little better every other day is a start..right?

I can't help but thank all of you for the kind words that you all have taken the time out of your days to post.. I'm suprised that there were responses and therefore I'm deeply appreciative of each and every one of you. To be honest, I'm a bit ashamed at the least of how I came off on a few certain subjects (i.e getting my G.E.D).. I was just rambling on and on and never really took the time to stop and check what I had written. But I'm very grateful for what everyone has said..Especially a certain few of you (I'm sure you know who you are)..You deffinately hit a note. Some days reality just hits me pretty hard and I can come off a bit dramatic and childish.. Normally I don't go about posting random topics including random chunks of my life as there's so much more to my story but..I hoped to sum it up with that post and give a general idea, not so much as to gain pity or "fish for compliments" but to give a bit of an understanding. I also wanted to say that I'm sorry this post was generalized in the forums and not specifically in a certain part of this site. The last thing I wanted to do was gain alot of unnecessary attention, but rather wanted to post anonymously as I was telling so much of myself and well..In the process of doing so (posting anonymously)it seemed to have just thrown the post out there on a random board..

But again..thank all of you. I'm not sure where I can start at bettering myself..I have so many issues and problems lol.. I wouldn't even know where to begin.. I suppose I'll hold on for as long as I can. I just hope some day very soon I'll be able to actually pursue possibilities once I have my social on order, a car, and some cash on my pocket. It's funny that you mention a walk "peaceonearth" not so much that I enjoy walks but rather I enjoy some aspects of life. I live in Florida and it's unpleasantly hot and humid all the time but..I love the ocean..and I often dream of the mountains..and the snow.. I was thinking the other day that maybe..I'll travel some day. Maybe even soon.. I've been in one spot for so long surrounded by the same people that have prolonged my stress, anxiety and depression my entire life. I would love to go backpacking cross-country or even around the world to see nature through a completely different aspect. I need to have something that I can remember if I do grow old one day..I would hate to jump right in to a desk job for 40 years of my life, retire and die.... Well.. here I am rambling again lol..

To sum it up once more, thanks again.. all of you. I just needed a little outside support..If I would have told any of this to anyone in my family I would have probably had all sorts of drama (that, or if I would have told my psychiatrist he would have tried to put me on some sort of medication). I'm far from believing in myself..far from getting over my problems..but feeling a little better every other day is a start..right?

Sigurrós 2 #
An Unknown Location | 4 months, 1 week ago (2 days, 23 hours after post)

You do seem to have allot of great ideas, it’s really great to hear you talk so full of life - sometimes it takes a rant to figure out what’s going on, I certainly don’t feel anyone on here is out to get just attention or pity; everyone expresses themselves differently, and it’s all good I’ve been told *smiles*

One of these days I hope to see a post “Leaving: gone hiking/travelling”

Take little steps and when you fall, there’s always someone out there - some person you may not expect it from, if you look for help you’ll find it; people do care.

Help me with: Waiting for nothing.

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