Family help: My dad makes me sad.

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My dad makes me sad.

My dad is some what a dictator in our house. My brother mother and I can never say anything against his opinion otherwise there is a risk of him getting angry or violent. He has hit me, my brother and my mother in the past and once when I was about 8 years old he slapped me so many times that I had a bruise on my temple the next day and headaches long after. I thought I was going to die and my father promised that he would never hit me again after this incident but he broke his promise and when I confronted him with it he pretended he didn’t remember. My mother says she considered leaving him a lot of times but either didn’t have the money for it or thought it would be better for us to grow up with a father. My dad loves us and does a lot of good things for us, but it’s the way that he talks to us that kills me inside. I can’t say he is a bad dad because he supports us financially and tells us that he loves us and he has taught us a lot of good things, also spiritually but I never feel happy. I don’t understand how a man that is so close to God and is supposed to have so much control over his ego cannot understand that when he uses harsh words and sometimes violence it hurts us. My dad recently had a heart attack so now only part of his heart is functioning and he often mentions that we are ungrateful children because we don’t help out enough in the house and we have worked him near to death ect. He makes me feel very guilty by literally blaming me for his bad health when he is angry but my mother tells me not to take it seriously. However my father never apologises and just acts as if it didn’t happen. He is quite old and grew up in the war so he had a tough childhood himself but I just wish I could get rid of all the pain I feel inside. I have no confidence and sometimes even think of suicide even though I wouldn’t do it. I talk to a psychologist but I still feel depressed and put on a lot of weight the past couple of years and I don’t know what to do. This is just a brief explanation of my situation but I would appreciate some advice that could help me stop being depressed.

I live at a boarding school so technically I have kind of moved out but I still have to come home in the holidays. I’m almost 18 but the thing is since my father is at a risk of dying soon as only 40% of his heart is working I feel as if I can’t not be in contact with him because I know he needs our support. It’s just hard for me to tell him I love him because I feel as If I’m not sure if I mean it and don’t want to be fake but he gets upset if I don’t say that I love him. Once he felt my room was untidy so he picked up everything on the floor and burnt it. And I feel as if he uses his death as a threat because he always refers to himself as ‘a dying man’…He is very old fashioned and even said to my 19 year old brother that he cannot bring women in to his new apartment…I’ve never had a boyfriend and I feel as if my relationship with my dad has affected this and I just wish my dad could understand me but I know he won’t change.

I deeply wish that I could get my dad to go to anger management but unfortunately that is out of the question. My mum says he would get angry and feel insulted. He takes everything personally and cannot see anything from anyone’s point of view but his own…today he confronted me again because I forgot that I shouldn’t eat food in the lounge and I apologised and explained that I had forgotten about the rule as I have seen him eating there myself and he responded by saying I was disrespectful and that he would make me sorry. My mother told him today that I was depressed and he said that sadness comes from egoism and told me to dry my tears of self pity when I started crying. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

This open post was written 4 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 413, 9, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.

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Family, father, abuse (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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thelma.dair 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 months, 1 week ago (10 minutes after post)

Well first of all - it is not right for your father to abuse you. Ever. No one deserves that and don’t let it feel like it is your fault that he’s doing this. You and your mother could make excuses for him until the end of time - he’s old fashioned, he is a supportive man, he takes care of us - but dont ever let that make you think that it is okay that he abuses you.

That being said, it sounds like a very difficult situation since he is still your father and he does support you in other ways. It makes sense that you would feel conflicted over if you truly have love for him or not. But it sounds like you do care for him.

It is important to address all the ways that he has affected you. Once you do this, you’ll know why you act certain ways and maybe you can even figure out why you feel so depressed. Don’t repress your anger and resentment - find a way to express it. Once you express it, maybe you can find a way to let it go one day.

We all have different lives to lead so dont compare your life to anyone elses. Do what you feel you have to do.

Help me with: Possibilities are infinite.

Anonymous #
4 months, 1 week ago (20 minutes after post)

Thanks a lot for your reply, you are right we shouldn’t make excuses I just think my mother cannot leave my father now because she does love him in some way and he is dying and doesn’t have any other friends and has completely cut off his own family. I do try to express my feeling by talking to a psychologist but it is limited because my mother does not have enough money to pay for it as my dad doesn’t know about it. I think the reason for my depression is that my father makes me feel guilty and hurts me with his harsh words causing me to have low self-confidence. He would never accept that he is the reason for my sadness and actually gets angry at me for being sad because he thinks its because ‘I don’t have God within me’. So I’m trying my best to do the right thing.

thelma.dair 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 months, 1 week ago (29 minutes after post)

No one is perfect - not even your mother - it sounds very complicated and it doesn’t sound so simple to just get up and leave a dying man. So in a way, I get where she’s coming from.

Often our parents can be our harshest judges because they had an idea of who we would become before we could even comprehend how to hold our own heads up.

Do you have any more sessions with your therapist? Get as much out of it as you can - they really can help - but you have to share everything with them, that’s how you can truly utilize them.

Do you write at all? When I’m depressed, I make lists sometimes to try to make sense of it all. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with how your dad treats you - but you are not your father. Or your mother. Or your brother - you are you and no one else has to be you. You decide for yourself how to handle things, and it sounds like it would be hard for you sometimes to stand up for yourself, but express what you can when you can.

As for the self-esteem - Maybe you need to start by forgiving yourself for not turning into exactly what your father wishes. Forgive yourself dear. And start building yourself up in your mind. Be positive toward yourself, even if no one else is. It sounds like your doing a good job in other areas of your life, no?

Help me with: Possibilities are infinite.

Anonymous #
4 months, 1 week ago (17 hours, 51 minutes after post)

Yeah I hopefully have some more sessions with the therapist after the summer holiday..I just hope I can get through this holiday without any more big dramas. I do write sometimes, for example I wrote a letter to my dad saying how I feel without sending it to him. It helps a bit..sometimes I just try to push it out my head but when my dad comes and says a lot of things to me when he’s in a bad mood such as that I have worked him to death, used and abused him it’s really hard to make sense of anything..Sometimes I’m confused about whether I am a bad kid or whether it’s all his fault that I feel messed up. The things is my dad accuses me of so many things and says that I don’t love him and I’m ungrateful and just use him for the money that I just feel like cutting him off and only using him for the money because he hurts me emotionally, and the sad thing is then that I would be turning in to what he accuses me of. As for the other areas of my life, I was sent to boarding school in a different country from my parents 3 years ago and I think I fell in to a depressed because I put on 15 kilos in weight and didn’t do well in my school work. This year I started at a new school which is going a bit better but I’m still overweight. I just lack motivation to do anything sometimes and just want to sleep (my dad gets pissed when I wake up late too even on holiday). I’ve never had a boyfriend and just wish that I would meet a nice guy.

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Username77 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 months ago (1 week, 2 days after post)

Wtf?

deborahmay5 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months ago (1 month after post)

I have gone through the exact same feelings of despair and almost suffocating pain because of the harsh and critical words of my father. He always called me names and put me down in so many forms. I would cry endlessly and like you I even felt that dying would be a better resolution than living with the pain. I even pitied him many times because my dad grew up in an orphanage where was he was beaten, molested and tortured until he left at the age of 18. His mother was so selfish she would even let him be adopted by a nice and loving family who came to visit him daily. My Grandmother told me my father would sit outside of the orphanage each holiday waiting for his mother to come - but she never did - never once…I remember one time my father for no apparent reason other than I was not living up to his expectations told me to leave the house and if I ever come back he would shoot me.

It took me many years to live a normal life and to work through my feelings of worthlessness.But the main thing to remember and tell yourself often is that none of what your father says or does is about you, it is about his feelings of shame, defeat, and despair. You are a good, and loving person and none of this is your fault. It will get better, I promise… I will pray for you.

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deborahmay5 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months ago (1 month after post)

The best thing to do is to find supportive and loving relationships in the form of friends and helping people who have been through abuse,or are living in horrible conditions. The more you reach out to the others, the more your despair will be lifted..

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g #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 3 weeks ago (1 month, 2 weeks after post)

I think I know what you are talking about. But I am there only kid they have my Dad hits me all the time. I have told othere people even the plose the tell me never mind about gettini hit. They only hit me becuse they can. there is nothing I can do about it they told me.

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My dad makes me sad.

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