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Hello all.
Basically i am writing about how i am considering moving towns to be closer to a girl i am in love with. It’s a a fairly long & involved story but i will try not to write a novel about it.
I have known this girl since mid-2005, we met on the net and became fast friends. I feel from early on we had a pretty close friendship, we both suffer from depression to varying degrees and we would and still do counsel each other when either of us are feeling down.
We’ve always been just friends there was never anything close to anything romantic based, she was in a long term relationship and i was in (unrequited) love with someone else.
Things started to change around August 2008.
This girl by this time was married to her long term boyfriend and had a son with him but things had started going rapidly downhill at this time. As of now they have been separated 9 months.
We met in person for the first time in September 2008 when she suggested i stop off at her town on the way to moving cities, so i did. I was only there a couple of days but it was very nice, i felt very comfortable in her presence, i felt like i could really just be my own person and felt no pressure to try and change who i am. Most specifically because we had been talking for over three years at this point and felt we knew each other very well anyway. When we said our goodbyes she remarked that she feels i am easy to talk too.
About 2-3 weeks later things between her and her husband were getting really bad so, as mentioned before, she moved out of their house with their child (October 2008). Around this time also what started me and her talking literally almost every night which lasted a few months, until around Feb 2009. She was regularly in a very very bad shape emotionally i would be there to talk too her.
So, the plot thickens when in early Jan 2009 she told me that in so many words that she had feelings for me but how she was confused by those feelings. This was because she is in a place where she needs to be alone so she can work herself out emotionally. She has long lasting emotional issues which she is dealing with at the moment and she explained that she needs to be alone to sort through them. In other words, as she explained it, she needs to be happy with herself rather than find quick happiness through someone else. But when explaining all this too me she made no secret of the fact that she was feeling conflicted as she thinks very highly of me and her romantic feelings were battling with her feelings of needing to be alone.
What followed in the next two months was me and her ’sort of’ being a bit lovey-dovey. We talked every night and as well as helping her though her really tough times we said many wonderful, heart warming thing to each other. In mid Jan she asked me late on a Thursday night if i would come a visit her that weekend so i did. That was a really lovely sweet weekend. We had these long hugs, cuddled, walks on the beach, she bought me things, i bought her things, she introduced me to her parents etc.
The next time we saw each other (Feb 09) was when she flew into my town for unrelated reasons but we saw each other albeit quite briefly. We sat on a bench by the beach and at one point she said she wanted to sit closer to me but that she didn’t want to lead me on, so i sat up close to her. For a while we had our arms around each other, holding hands and we kissed a couple of times.
Unfortunately after that the story took a sad tone when in early March 09 she told me that she didn’t like me. What followed was a long conversation on the phone where she said she didn’t like me but that she also didn’t know. A bit contradictory i think you’d agree. She also said that if she likes me down the line then she will definitely let me know.
Things ‘lovey-dovey’ wise stopped but the story didn’t end there.
Come April 09 the ‘lovey-dovey’isms started to creep back, not quite as regular and intense as in that Jan/Feb period but they crept in. She said some pretty heavy things to me such as i mean the world to her, that she would be lost without me, that i give her hope etc. etc. On one particularity painful night for her i told her that if there is anything i can do for her then all she needs to do is ask. She asked me to come see her.
So i did, in May 09. Now i suppose it’s come across that can she can be ruled by emotional whims and this trip was like that. She asked me to go see her as she was clearly missing me but the trip overall was very nice but a bit troubled. She was glad to see me but me being there brought to the surface her conflict about being alone vs. (supposedly) being with me. We cuddled on and off. She said things to me like she likes being close to me and that when she is sad she wishes i were there but on the other hand she said things like she isn’t ready and that she knows i want to be with her. I was there four days and on the third day she couldn’t cuddle me for the aforementioned troubles she was going through.
She explained to me that she has a conflict between “head and heart and the closeness you are offering”. I know what that is about, it is the exact same conflict she has been feeling all along. Her head is telling her that she needs to be alone to work out these long standing problems, she has a baby to look after too single handed and she needs to focus all her attention on herself and her child. On the other hand she is lonely and her heart is (just like anyone) wanting that comfort of being with someone, a lover. But (hopefully only at the moment) she can’t offer me her love.
It is hard to get across via a message on a web site but we truly do feel a lot for each other. We have a rare connection. And while her feelings for remain undefined it is clear to me that she feels something for me and she knows how i feel about her. I’m sure she knows i am waiting for her to see what happens then.
Now we come to the present day. You see, i am not really happy in the town i am in now and come the end of the year the lease is up on the place i am renting and i have been giving a lot of thought to moving to her town. Primarily it would be just as friends but there is so much more going on than just friends and i want to be in her town so we can be in each others company and see what happens from there.
That is the whole question. It is a risk because she can’t promise me anything and when we talked about my possible move there although she is okay with the idea she also that she can only be my friend. I asked her if she meant that in the long run and she said she couldn’t answer that as she can’t tell the future. Which is fair enough. It’s like i said before she can’t promise anything but too me there are underlying romantic feelings there that will come out, in time. It just feels and Is very special between us. Maybe it is just my love for her speaking but it just Feels like something will happen between us one day, i want to look after her and her wonderful son and have a child with her one day. She just needs time.
Lately i have been getting excited about the idea of taking a road trip to her town over 3-4 days. Settling down there. And seeing what eventuates. But even though i want to do that at the same time the risk factor and the uncertainties of it all make me reluctant to go through with it. I have plenty of time, i mean i need to get a job and save some money.
That is my conflict if you will.
If anyone out there has been through something similar, or feels they could shed some light or whatever anyone things i would love too hear.
In truth i feel i will do it anyway eventually but that certainly isn’t definite. All i know is i am in love, that we are close and that out history together so far could possibly be the slow opening stages to a life long love.
If you made it this far i owe you a beer! :-D
This open post was written 4 months ago | V/U/S: 147, 5, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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