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Rant

Is the phrase “if it’s meant to happen then it will” just an excuse to sit back and not make it happen myself? Am I just using it because I’m scared to take risks? I used to be the kind of person who just went out there and did things, but since everything that happened, I’m scared. I don’t like to put myself in any kind of vulnerable position, put myself into any kind of risky situation where I could potentially get knocked down or turned away. Before it didn’t bother me, because I learned that nothing ever happens unless you do that, but now I just sit at home and wait for some magical entity, some powerful force which deep down I know doesn’t exist, to make it happen for me, and I’ll just sit back and say “well if it’s meant to happen then it will, fate will take care of it”. Well I’m beginning to realise that ‘fate’ is just as lazy as I am, ‘fate’ probably sits back and says “well if she wants it to happen then she’ll make it happen” so either way things stand stock still and my life has frozen up so gradually that I didn’t even notice until I was stuck. And I keep referring to the ‘old me’ as if she was another person, some mysterious, fascinating person who I both admire and adore and long for. But I’m still her, so why do I hate myself now, and look back and wish for my ‘old self’ again as if she was someone else? Sometimes I even imagine what she would think of me now, whether she would look down at me and sigh and look vaguely disappointed because she was so confident and cool and aloof, and now I’m just a humble, sad little wreck. She was witty, and friendly to people who deserved it. But now, I’m embarrassingly nice to everyone, even people who are total a**holes, practically grovelling, I’m so scared they’re going to hate me. The only way I’m ever brave and stand up to people is over the internet, which is the saddest thing ever. And boys used to like me because I was funny, genuine and down to earth. I never got stupid or over-emotional or over-sentimental like other girls, I didn’t cry over stupid things or accuse them all the time, I just laughed and drank beer with with them and had my own style. That’s why they liked me then. Now I’m not that, but I still crave their approval and attention so I compensate by acting like a total sl*t, not refusing anyone and getting so drunk I don’t even notice who has their hand up my skirt. And it doesn’t make me happy but I don’t know what else to do, I don’t even feel like my confidence was crushed, I feel like it was actually ripped out from me and taken away, so it’s not a case of building it back up, it’s a case of re-claiming it, finding it again. I don’t know where to start. Last time I went out I got called a mess so many times, and I was. My hair was scruffy, my make-up was running, I was stumbling drunkenly around and falling into people’s arms like a helpless invalid. I am an idiot, I keep failing and failing at everything, I don’t belong anywhere, girls hate me and boys just want to f**k me, and the worst thing is that doesn’t even bother me at all. I don’t expect anything of people because I’ve lowered my expectations as low as they could go to avoid disappointment. I hate my school for doing this to me, and I’m sick of saying “oh I know I brought it on myself, it was my fault too”. I don’t really believe that, I just say it all the time because if I don’t, I get some person who thinks they’re being so f**king wise launching into a great long speech, a lecture, giving me advice that they think I’ve never heard before. They all like to believe that by enlightening me, they’re changing my perspective and fixing my life, being all tough-talking and honest to the point, they think that will fix me. I used to just smile and nod and let them walk off feeling all triumphant and proud that they were “The One To Get Through To Me” but then I learned I could avoid that by saying everything that they were going to say first. “I made it happen, they didn’t react well but ultimately it was my fault, I shouldn’t have done a lot of the things I did blah blah I acted irresponsibly they were only doing their job etc etc”, then they can look a bit taken aback say “Well at least you realise and take responsibility” and move on.

I don’t really believe that though, I think it was the school’s fault, and while I know that at some point I’m going to have to get over it and move forward (although I’m really only saying that because I know someone will probably comment telling me to), I honestly believe that school broke something in me. I feel damaged, I feel like my wings have been clipped and beaten and shredded, and I’m too weak to grow them back. So I just keep on drinking, and stumbling through life like a zombie waiting for ‘fate’ to come along and make something happen that changes everything. But the more I realise that some handsome prince isn’t going to come along and carry me away to his castle, and that a record company isn’t going to somehow overhear me singing in the shower and sign me a multi-million pound contract, that a miracle is going to occur to make up for all the bad I have been through, the more I drive myself deeper into a state of numbness and laziness.
So what happens here, I guess I shift my *** and do something. But what? And is there any point? I can’t make myself believe that there is, and no amount of textbook ‘motivational’ counselor talk is going to change that, because it’s too late. It’s got to a point where I don’t know if I even want to move forward, I’d rather sit locked in my bedroom reading and writing and painting and crying like a pathetic little freak who thinks she’s being all “tragic” and “artistic”. What a f**king waste.

This open post was written 4 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 231, 5, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

worthless, Drunk, slut, unhappy, school, lazy, friends, boys, sex, Alcohol, really long boring post that you don't have to read (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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