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IMPOSTOR
Is it normal to feel like everywhere I go I am just pretending to be somebody in order to fit in? I always feel slightly guilty, like I’m an impostor. Not long ago I auditioned to be on the show Junior Apprentice (The Apprentice for teens) and I was put through the first round. While I was sitting in the waiting room with the other people who got through, they all talked about going off to Cambridge university, and about all of the business experience they’d had. I am never going to be one of those people, but I managed to talk well enough and sound confident enough and they all seemed to except me as part of their group. I then got through to the next round after that, and I suddenly panicked. You see, I had pretty much been bluffing my way through, I had no business experience, and no real passion for business either, I wasn’t even expecting to get that far. So when I got taken into a room to talk to the panel of producers and such, I got convinced that it wasn’t long until they found me out. So I started blabbering on, saying all my worst points, telling them I had no business experience. They looked at me like they were wondering how the hell I got that far and sent me off after about two minutes.
The problem is, I do that with everything in life. With the group of friends that live near me, I always feel like I’m just acting or pretending to be a loud, sociable person who drinks and has a laugh running from the local police and sitting around talking loudly outside the pub because that’s what I feel I have to be to fit in with them. The whole time I’m with them, I feel like deep down I’m a quiet, thoughtful person who would rather sit and home and read a book, but I pretend for the sake of being part of their gang. I am constantly anxious that they can sense I’m not one of them, that I’m pretending, and then they won’t want to be around me. Sometimes I get so worried, and so anxious, that I royally f**k things up deliberately because I can’t stand feeling like I’m pretending anymore. Like if I meet someone new, and they seem to think I’m a friendly, nice, funny person, my head goes “They think you are NICE! It won’t be long until they totally find you out and realise what a nasty little b*tch you are”. So I say/do stupid things in order to sabotage the friendship because I can’t stand feeling like their approval is so delicate and it won’t be long until it breaks. So I smash it up, get it over and done with.
Is this normal?
This open post was written 4 months ago | V/U/S: 64, 1, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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